She never stumbles, she's got no place to fall's Journal
19 most recent posts

Date:2012-05-26 23:23

I haven't used this thing in a while, but A took my car and I left my moleskin in the front seat.

I get all grumpy when he goes out and I stay home alone. He's going on a bike ride/hike tomorrow morning and it's things like that that get me down in the dumps.

I kind of hate being pregnant sometimes.
We don't hang out too much anymore because I get so tired late at night, so he goes out and I stay home by myself with the cats, or I'll go to bed before him because i get bored watching him play video games.

I never let him see me naked anymore if I can help it because I feel so gross, with my belly popping out and other things that my pregnant body does/has. We never have sex anymore. I just blow him all the time to hopefully keep him satiated and myself feeling physically wanted. I want to have sex, but I just don't feel attractive and I don't think he even really wants to have sex with me.

It makes me so depressed. I know it's just hormones.

I was childishly hoping that now that we have internet he would want to come home tonight and we could cuddle and watch a movie or something on netflix but he said he was too wired and needed to go out.

i'm really happy that he has taken to our new home and he has his two friends and his job and he's fitting in just fine.

It's summer time and I still have until August to pop this baby out and I just want to go on hikes and swim naked in the river and have wild and uninhibited sex with my man but I just go to work, come home with feet so sore and swollen that I can't even walk straight, go about cleaning the house, and then fall into bed by myself.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself right now, I really have no reason to be sad. Everything went so smoothly with our move, our baby is doing fine. I'm with my family again. I just wish him and I had more time together by ourselves because when the baby comes, it will be a rare moment when we get a chance to be alone. But I can't force him to do anything.

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Date:2012-01-22 22:56


Please hang out with me more. I know I'm probably not as interesting as killing zombies or watching football games, but I'm a good conversationalist and an even better cuddler.



( is it because I'm gaining weight?? :[ )

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Date:2011-07-24 16:03

"Excuse me, do you sell free water ?"

"Regular iced coffee please." "Large or small ?" "Medium."

"What time is the bookstore open until today ?" "9:30." "Tonight ?" "Nope, 9:30 tomorrow morning." "That's amazing!"

Face palm face palm face palm.

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Date:2011-07-24 12:26

I will love Josh until the day that I die, but I will never question why the universe has only allowed us to be together for a short period of time. He will always remain in my heart, and the dull ache that throbs for him will remain unsatisfied, but that is the way I wish to keep it.
When I see him, I want to hold him and not leave. I lay my head in his lap and we sit without speaking. We are always good. Our lips never stray towards each others. Our hands never intertwine. Once in a while, my fingers will trace the outline of his face before I say good bye, and sometimes our legs will touch under tables and bars. He waits for me. But I do not know for how long.
I have Andrew by my side, and he is perfect for me right now. But I can never forget the day I met Josh by the river, where we stood for a few minutes stupidly staring at each other as some sort of invisible connection brought us together in an embrace instead of a handshake.

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Date:2011-07-12 12:12

"My shoulders are tight."
"There's a stretch you can do for that."
"I stretch every day. They're still tight."
"Yeah but there's a really good stretch for that. You take a rope, tie it around your neck and then throw the other end over a beam and just chill there for an hour. Takes the tightness right out."
"I hate you."

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Date:2011-06-15 09:14

Today I wanted to go to the beach and sit with Vinnie.

I wanted to put my head on his shoulder and tell him how scared I am.

But he's gone, and I forgot.

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Date:2011-06-13 10:24

I need to buy little gold stars to put on my calendar for every day that I'm sober.

Maybe the gold stars will be good reminders.

Anyway. Day 1. Would have been Day 3 but I fucked up. blah.

I'm getting there at least. I just have to suffer through a bad mood.

However, I'm doing 16 hour shifts today, tomorrow, and wednesday, and I get paid thurs and fri. Soooo.

Yeah. Good stuff.

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Date:2011-06-08 14:39

Andrew <3

Got all A's this semester. Woot woot!

Starting my second job tomorrow.

I was robbed.... $600 missing from my room, neighbors threatening to shoot me
because I called the cops on them.
bullshit bullshit bullshit.
BUT because I now have a second job,
and my husband helped me out a little bit,
I'm able to pay off all of my debts and start saving money again :)

2011 has been one hell of a year so far.

Nude beach today with my friends, and then my first NA meeting is tonight at 8.
Kinda nervous. Only been clean less than 24 hours.
(I know, I suck)
But before last night I had been clean for 3 weeks.

I just want to stop doing drugs. For good.

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Date:2011-05-19 03:56

My reasons for updating this blog today are as follows:

1) I had quite a fucking day
2) I have been studying for finals, which means I've been long-handing it up
2a) (The reason for the long hand is because I don't like taking notes on the computer. Writing them down helps me remember them better)
3) I don't feel like actually writing this shit down, so I came to type it up here.

Not that anyone will see this besides me. Maybe.

My day started out as usual. I wrestled myself out of Andrew's arms as I realized I was late for work. As usual.

After dropping Andrew off at his house, parking my car, taking the bus, and entering my office building, I sat down at my desk with my cup of coffee and began designing the usual shitty school website.

I received a text message from my roommate, saying that Josh was banging on our back door. Being that it was 10am, she didn't want to deal with him so she ignored his incessant banging.

Until she heard him jiggling the handle for the door. He was trying to break in, thinking no one was home.

I got an actual phone call from her within five minutes of receiving her text saying that he had our downstairs door combining the two apartments off of it's hinges.

Sigh. I did not want to deal with that. But, I told my boss what was happening. Ran out the door, waited for the bus for what seemed like the longest 10 minutes of my life, sped home and swerved into the driveway.

I went over to the other side of the house after Carlye told me what happened and knocked on the downstairs neighbor's door. I stood there with my arms crossed over my chest and looking him dead in the eye with the most menacing stare I could muster, and said, "So. Carlye tells me there was a problem with the door."

It doesn't matter the stupid excuses that he gave me as to why exactly the door had been taken off of its hinges. He said he need to caulk it. I said, "You don't caulk doors, and you certainly do not take them off their hinges to do so."

I made it very clear to him that I knew he was trying to break in, without actually saying it. I gave him my phone number and said, "Look. I don't care what you have to say, or why in God's name you would need to do that to the door. If something is broken, you call the land lord. You need to call me if you ever do that again, because--" (and again, I gave him a death stare) -- "you wouldn't want us to get the wrong idea."

After taking a shot of whiskey and sharing an already half smoked blunt with Carlye and Wak (who had driven home from his mother's house at mine and Carlye's request), I drove back to work.

The day progressed normally after that. Work, Andrew's house, my house. I went over to Longo's house at around 9pm to start studying, but not before snorting a line of some good dope, recovering from that and then washing down an adderall with some yuengling.

Longo's roommate, Gus, was belligerent. He had his friend over, and she was slightly drunk too. I didn't interact with them much, as I have a final today and needed to freshen up on some notes. Gus was being annoying, and kept trying to come in to the room in which we were all studying, until I basically shoved him out (after asking politely, of course.)

Then some obnoxious noises from Gus' room. Things falling, the girl crying. Gus had started to get violent with her in his drunken state and she locked herself in the bathroom as Longo, Raf, and Alex tried to hold down Gus as he kept lunging toward the bathroom door.

I ran passed them and into the bathroom to find her on the phone, crying. She had called a friend from New Jersey to come and pick her up...a 3 hour drive from where we were. I asked her if she needed a ride anywhere, and she kept saying over and over again, "I just want to go home."

I walked her out of the bathroom and down the stairs with Gus on the floor behind us, pinned down by three other guys. I asked her if she wanted to come home with me until her friend got to the island, and she said yes. She gave her friend Longo's address, and as we were pulling out of his street three police cars sped by me.

When we got to my house, I put on some relaxing music and opened a bottle of beer for her and I to share. We went outside to smoke a cigarette, and she told me about herself. That her name was Eve, she was 20, and had known Gus for 5 years, and he had never acted that way around her. They had dated for a little while when she was 15 and he was 19, but broke up when she went to college and still remained good friends. Sometimes when she talked she would start crying, but after a while she calmed down and we had a beautiful conversation about life and all of its little (or big) twists and turns. For a 20 year old girl, she is extremely intelligent and savvy. I really liked her.

After our smoke I brought her inside and fixed her a cup of tea-- the Irish cure for everything. Whiskey was never an Irish cure; it only keeps us from sinning as we lay down passed out or lounging lazily and slurring old tunes.

I gave Longo a call and he said Gus was gone. The police had called an ambulance and they took him away.

He is going to wake up tomorrow without any clothes, no phone, no wallet, just his boxers and hopefully a good dose of shame and regret.

I drove Eve back to Longo's house, as she thanked me profusely the whole way. I asked her to text me when she was safe. I left Longo's, gassed up my car, had to go back to Longo's to drop off his notes, and now here I sit on a couch in Andrew's bedroom, listening to his snores mingling harmonically with the Miles Davis playing softly out of his speakers.

It's 4:21am, I have a final in six and a half hours, after which I plan on taking a shower, going to see Andrew's band play, passing out, waking up, going to work, shooting/snorting/smoking more dope (haven't decided on my method yet) and then passing out again and waking up as late as I fucking want on Saturday morning, because for once since January I will not have shit to do.

And then life will go one as it continually proves to do.

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Date:2010-08-16 18:03

I have been without internet for a month because cable vision sucks. And when the cable guy came to replace our modem, he plugged in the router to the wrong port. He claimed that the router was picking up different signals and that it needed to be reconfigured, so I thought, Hey, he's the cable guy, he knows best.

My roommate fixed the problem for us, not that it was much of a problem.

I have a new job now, and it's a lot more work than my previous one. Spread sheets, math, functions, phone calls, emails, meetings, blah.

I gave myself a new tattoo. It's on my thigh, and it's cthulhu in a business suit. I'm starting a band around my upper thigh and this was the starting point. It's high enough that it's easily hidden, and I'm going to add to it as I see fit. It will be my life story, in tattoo form.

I'm getting a kitten. Or at least, I hope I'm getting a kitten. My application cleared, but apparently something's wrong with his respiratory system and he can't come home yet. He's pure white, with one blue eye and one gold eye. I'm naming him Ender. I really, really hope he comes home soon :(

That is all.

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Date:2010-07-19 07:37

I wish everything would stop hurting.

I feel like I'm dying inside. I know it will all be a memory some day, but I just want it to stop hurting now.

I wish he'd come back. But I know I can't let him.
And every time he begs, the wounds are opened up again and I can't stop bleeding.

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Date:2010-06-17 00:55
Subject:The semester update!

Fall 2010:

9:00am - 11:30am: Work
11:45am - 12:40pm: The Ancient World
1:00pm - 5:00pm: Work

Tuesdays and Thursdays
9:50am - 11:10am: Ancient Philosophy
11:30am - 12:30pm: Work
12:50pm - 2:10pm: Philosophy of Science
2:30pm - 3:30pm: Work
3:50pm - 5:10pm: Prehistoric North America

9:00am - 11:30am: Work
11:45am - 12:40pm: The Ancient World
1:00pm - 2:00pm: Work
2:20pm - 3:15pm: The Ancient World, Recitation
4:00pm - 7:00pm: Philosophy of Beauty

Work 9 - 5


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Date:2010-06-16 23:58
Subject:In a nutshell

-I did good this semester. GPA is still above a 3.0. I live.-
-I think I'm going to start selling more artwork again.-
-I'm near to acquiring my tattoo license.-
-I got married last week. Long story.-
-Nuvraj loves me ♥-
-I'm visiting my mom for the next week. Dad is gone out of town, and my mom invited me up here so I wouldn't have to visit when he was home. That was nice.-
-I've decided to learn Turkish, have been playing piano and guitar again and trying to stay healthy-
-I still smoke a lot of cigs though. I cut it down to five a day but pffft I don't know. I cough up blood a lot.-
-My mind has been on Quantum Computing and psychic communication devices and information received in an equally coherent state and entanglement.-
-I broke into my friend's house to grab my phone charger and decided to fuck with them, so I turned over all of their furniture, made their beds and hung shoes from all the door knobs. They thought it was a ghost.-
-Oh! I went on a trip with some friends and found a swing set. I swang (swung?) really high and decided to jump off. Little did I know there was cement under the sand. I fractured both my feet, but didn't end up seeing a doctor for almost 2 weeks because I didn't think anything was wrong.-
-That's about it.-

When the sun shone
s t r e a m i n g

on my sofa.

i sent a snoz-a-gram and it -- silently
your Sultry smeller
♥ ♥ ♥

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Date:2010-03-16 20:33

My lymph nodes are sore and swollen. I have white crap invading my tonsils and nasal cavities. I've had a fever of 100+ for the last few days and have been coughing up a lot of blood. Thursday at 12pm I will be tested for HIV. Fuck.

Until then and for the next 5 days, I have been prescribed some antibiotics.

On the brighter side of things, Nu and I have been getting along quite well and acting like a couple again. He takes me on dates, and holds my hand. And sometimes I come over to his house and we cook dinner together and bake cookies and watch movies, blazed out of our minds. I have not told him yet about the blood test. I will wait until after, and if it's positive, obviously I will need to tell him.

The sun is out,and the weather is warm, and when there are moments to be stolen, I am prancing and rolling around in cool grass that somehow managed to stay green all winter, and the soft material from my dress brushing onto my bare legs makes me giggle. There are flowers blooming in my lawn and I cannot tell what they are yet, maybe tiger lilies, but I can almost smell them already every time I step out my door and walk to school. I love watching the students around campus. Everyone is out and smiling, the girls are scandalously dressed now compared to a few months ago, and male and female heads alike are turning a mile a minute. Everyone's in heat ♥

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Date:2010-01-12 22:47

I just gave myself a tattoo!!

pic )

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Date:2009-12-24 11:12

In General:

I went online at work on Monday and got all of my Christmas shopping done. I'm expecting about 4 packages tonight. Blah.

I'm visiting my mom and some family for only a week this year. I may or may not stay longer depending on how depressing it is. It's weird being home. It's like I exist as a bridge between the world my mother lives in and the world my father lives in. My mother's communication with him turns into a lost echo. It's starts out as something simple, such as a somewhat loud and cheerful, "Hello Thomas" and then when he ignores her, she says it again, quietly, and then he'll turn and say something to Tyler or I, or go downstairs, and she'll say it again, but it will be even quieter and will have an imitation-vanilla-extract version of cheerfulness. She's really beaten down. She sounds like a broken wind up toy whenever I talk to her. She tries to smile when she sees me and when I tell her I love her, but sometimes it's not enough.

Love does not make the world go around. Not the type of love from a mother or a friend or daughter or dog. It seems that no one is really happy until they're fucking someone.

Christmas Shopping, Online, is 10x more productive than in a crowded mall.
Write that down.

I bought Nu a 5in thick memory foam mattress pad, bamboo sheets, and a new alarm clock. I suppose technically the sheets and the pad are for me as well since we both sleep in the same bed. The alarm clock is super cool. I bought it from (the coolest website EVER, for all nerds alike) and it's made out of matrix boxes. I REALLY wanted to get the binary alarm clock but he probably wouldn't be able to read it. Other presents:
Mom: A travel Mahjong set and a check for $100
Ty: A ceramic coffee mug that looks like a paper coffee mug you'd get at shops. It has a rubber top too. His breaks failed, so I wrote him a check for $100 bucks too.
Dad: No clue. i'm in the process of painting a guitar, so I might stay up all night and finish it for him.
Gin: Magenta Blacklight ink so he can finish my back piece with style. I have so many tattoos now, living with a tat artist.
Lucy: She really liked this abstract painting I did, so I bought a frame for it and gave it to her.
The babies: Patience got a set of water flutes, Ireland got a Van Gogh baby Einstein, Briana got the box set of His Dark Materials trilogy, Lib got a moleskin sketchbook with colored pencils, and Pat got a St. Louis Cardinals jersey. All of this from amazon for 42 bucks. Fuck yes.

Finals Week:

I was in the library a total of 26 hours one weekend studying. And then every night after I got out of work as well. So many things went wrong. My camera was stolen. MY CAMERA WAS STOLEN. It was a Pentax manual 35mm camera that my dad gave me. And it was fucking stolen. I was so pissed. but I was able to buy a better one off of ebay for 60 bucks, and it came with 6 rolls of film, 3 different lenses, a flash, a timer, etc. So one door closed, another was opened, but dad gave me that camera. It was pretty much the only thing he's ever given me, besides helping me pay back some loans when I couldn't afford it myself. But whatever. Then apparently I'm not signed up for my classical myth lecture, just the recitation, so the time and date of the final exam was not on my blackboard site. I missed the final, emailed the TA saying I fucked up, and she let me take it and I got an A on it. Phew.

4 out of 5 grades are up on my solar account. I received A's in both of my art classes which was, in all complete honesty, no easy feat whatsoever. I have never had to work so hard in an art class before. For one of them, my Idea and Form class, we had a project due on Monday every week. These included (on top of 4 other assignments for classes due as well) a wire sculpture, a sculpture made out of cardboard--but, the object we made had to give the illusion that we wouldn't be able to pick it up due to its weight. Other assignments included a performance piece, an audio recording, a story line made from a disposable camera, etc. The other class was my photography class, and we had to know about every chemical for B&W photography development, the temp of the developer which differentiates with the film speed and manufacturer, etc. Shutter speeds, F Stops, filters, perfect lighting, movement, etc. I got a D+ in my Eastern Religions class, but that's no surprise there because even though it was a 100 level class, the only assignments were 3 exams and I failed one of them miserably and got a C on the first one. No clue how I did on my final. I got a B in classical mythology, and I'm still waiting for my Phi 401 grade. She gave us 5 assignments through the whole year, and she's graded 4 of them: I got 2 Bs and 2 A-. So the 5th grade will determine whether i have a B or an A in the class. And that B or A will determine if I break a 3.0 for my cumulative gpa. Christ.

I've made my sched for next semester. It's going to be ridiculous.

Mondays and Wednesdays
8:05am - 9:25am: Philosophical Psychology
9:35am - 10:30am: Archaeology
10:30am - 12:30pm: Work
12:50pm - 2:10pm: Human Biology (not on Wednesdays)
2:00pm - 7:00pm: Modeling!! (naked, for art classes...$20 an hour, 10 hrs p/week. Cold. Hard. Cash.)

Tuesdays and Thursdays
9:00am - 11:00 am: Work
11:20am - 12:40pm: Philosophy of Technology
12:50pm - 2:10pm: Symbollic Logic (in the same classroom, with the same teacher, as the prev. class)
2:30pm - 5:00pm: Work
6:50pm - 8:10pm: Statistics

9:35am - 10:30am: Archaeology
10:30am - 12:30pm: Work
12:30pm - 2:10pm: Human Bio
2:30pm - 5:00pm: Work.

That's about it for now. I have so much else to write about but this has become sufficiently long and I told mom I'd clean the house for her and put last minute decorations up. Plus no one's home and going to take advantage of this and smoke a bowl before I clean. (PS-- One month, drug free :) I am going to go batshit nuts for my 21st bday in January though. I fully expect to be thrown into an asylum)


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Date:2009-06-29 05:25
Subject:Please, I really need some advice.

I'm trying to figure out where him and I are at in our relationship. I know it sounds funny, but sometimes I think I love him too much to actually be with him. Last summer, I was kind of a bitch to him. I wasn't really sure if I wanted to get into something serious with him, and I was having a lot of trouble dealing with my parent's failing relationship. It was obvious my dad wanted didn't want to be a part of our family anymore, and it drove my mom to try and kill herself. This made me feel that I didn't want to be in a serious relationship because I was afraid of the same thing happening to me. And through this, my boyfriend tried to really be there for me, but I completely blocked him out and would sometimes ignore him, because I didn't want him to act all nice and then turn around and hurt me eventually the way my dad was hurting my mom and his kids. After I went back to school though, things were fine and I let myself fall madly in love with this guy. But he keeps me on the back burner most of the time. There was one time, when i was really sick and couldn't make it to class. He called me and offered to buy me some soup before his class. Ten minutes later, he called me and said he couldn't make it because one of his friends wanted weed. Things like that happen all of the time. He'll make plans to come visit me, and then literally at the last minute, which means the morning he's supposed to leave, he'll call me and say something's come up. There has never been a time when he's promised to do something that we've actually done it. Yet I usually cancel everything at the drop of a hat to be with him. He tells me he used to do all of these really sweet things for his ex girlfriends, like surprise them with visits or make them dinner. He's never done that for me. I know he's been hurt, and maybe doesn't want to put the effort it, but I mean, before I had met him, in less than one year I was impregnated, engaged to a guy that I wasn't in love with and who wasn't the father of the baby because the father didn't want to be with me; I lost the baby, never got married, was cheated on, and put in physical danger with my ex fiance. But I still find it in my heart to give him everything I can.

Idk. Sometimes I feel like it's punishment for the way I treated him last summer, and because I feel so horribly for that, I will gladly take any punishment as long as it meant I could still be with him.

Sometimes though, it would be nice for him to be there for me when I need him. He rarely ever is, and it hurts.

What should i do?

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Date:2009-06-13 23:54

When lovely woman stoops to folly,
And finds too late that men betray,
What charm can soothe her melancholy,
What art can wash her guilt away?

The only art her guilt to cover,
To hide her shame from every eye,
To give repentance to her lover
And wring his bosom, is—to die.

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Date:2009-05-24 19:58

That, ladies and gentlemen, is what's in our galaxy. Holy shit.

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