Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Marybeth's Blurty:

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Saturday, December 23rd, 2006
6:37 pm	O-H... I-O. That's where I am! It's been a few days now, and it's nice to see everyone, but it's weird to think that I'll be here for the next 6 days still... it's a looooooooooooong time. Hmm. Not much to discuss, actually, but life is good. I'm really at a loss about what to talk about these days. Why do I still have a blog? Who knows?? Anyway, I hope you're all having a very happy holiday season!! Peace. Current Mood: nervous Current Music: (Chapelle's Show stuff in the background) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 28th, 2006
10:19 am	Blah de blah, blah, blah... So in the almost 4 months that I've been teaching, I feel like it's all been a waste. I think I'm getting through to MAYBE 20% of my students, and the rest... I have no idea about. This school (and most schools?) seems like such a negative place, with students being so cruel to each other, adults yelling constantly, and not all that much getting accomplished. Anyway, negativity aside, I fear that I may be wishing my life away. Right now, I can't WAIT for the next 16 school days to pass so that I may relax during winter break. I can't WAIT for the end of May, when I can get away from teaching (for a few months or forever; I'm not sure yet)... and I'm on that dangerous train of thought that says, "I'll be happy when..." So I'm trying to make the best of my time right now (and it's really not that bad), but it's difficult. Hm.... I had a lot more to say, but I must soon pick up my class from music. I don't mean to be all down-in-the-dumps, so perhaps I'll try to write a more chipper entry in the foreseeable future. Vamos a ver. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
4:37 pm	Yay, Arizona!!! So in 2004, I voted AGAINST a Constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in Ohio. Yesterday, I voted against the same proposal in Arizona. In Ohio, 2 years ago now, the measure passed. I was crushed. Today, it failed in Arizona!!! I'm so excited!! I feel like my vote maybe *did* matter, since it was a 49-51% split. Wow. For once, the state did something good. Okee, that's all for now- just wanted to share the good news! (Read a blurb here: http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/1108AzGayMarriage08-ON.html) Current Mood: cheerful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, November 6th, 2006
7:26 pm	why can't all mondays be this good? so today was a pretty awesome day... i got a lot done at school (AND arrived a full hour early, thankyouverymuch), i went running this evening (which i haven't done in over a month), AND i'm reading through the voting materials for tomorrow's elections so that i may make my voice heard, howevery little. sooooooooooooooooooooooooo... things are good. c'est toute. :) Current Mood: good Current Music: food additives song- animaniacs (Comment on this)
Monday, October 30th, 2006
4:22 pm	Some thoughts... So I was thinking about an article I'd read a while back about diamonds. Like most women in the U.S., I had previously been convinced that I wanted a diamond ring if/when I got engaged. However, I read an article in National Geographic that talked about how diamond mining is a horrid industry. I also found this article online: http://www.fguide.org/Bulletin/conflictdiamonds.htm that has numerous references supporting its argument that diamond mining seems to do more harm than good. For a few months now, I've slowly been letting the diamond dream slip away, and the more I learn, the better I feel about this decision. That's right, boys: if you propose to me, you can do it for free!! :) ****12/13 Update: A friend of mine sent me this website: http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/198202/diamond ... I'll post it in a newer entry, perhaps, but there's some more food for thought. Peace! Second, I've been speaking with some friends lately about religion/spirituality. It seems a lot of people feel that if they're good people, then religion doesn't really matter. While I had issues with this at first, I am now inclined to agree. I think people of any religion can live simply and help each other out (and NOT fight with those of other religions???)... and still not rot in hell. Thus, I am trying to live my life the best I can, honestly and benevolently. Who's with me? That's all for now. Just thought I'd share some of this with y'all. Go go gadget self-improvement! Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: You Can't Please Everyone- ??? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 14th, 2006
4:05 pm	Good news!! So I got some good news at my job today!! (Reference my teaching blog: http://a-teachers-first-year.blogspot.com/ for the full story) I only have to teach math to *one* grade now, thanks to the help of the awesome 5th grade teacher!! :) Also, finally have a bit of a social life... the new teachers and I went out to dinner & then a bar last night, where we were able to vent and gossip. It was beautiful. However, we all realized that we're starting to get older... we didn't get carded, and we were pooped by 9:30pm!! We went home then, and this morning I learned that we were all asleep by 10:30. Ha. Anyway, things are looking better for the time being. I just hope things continue this way... Score. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: classical music on a CD (I'm in my classroom!) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
2:24 pm	stuck... hmm... so my courtship with optimism was indeed a short one. :P i'm feeling restless and directionless at the moment. i reeeeeeeeally want to just pack up my car and drive (to ohio? to canada?). i feel so stuck. i don't want to teach (and this is 9 weeks in now, so i'm starting to feel that this thought is a valid one), i'm broke (yay for student loans!!), and i have NO idea how to support myself financially or emotionally. i've been told to get a hobby, but there is nothing to do around here! perhaps a bigger city (phoenix?? columbus??) would help, but i can't move until june anyway. ok, enough self pity for now. i also will likely end the blog soon for real... it's important to reflect on life, but not always to an audience. score. on a brighter note, i hope you're all doing well, finding out what life is to you and all that. ooh- back to depressing thoughts for a minute, though... i was in phoenix yesterday, most of which is extremely built up and scary at this point. i stopped by circuit city to get a CD player for my car (since it only had radio before). while i waited for the installation, i walked around outside the shopping plaza. i couldn't help but feel nauseous. even though there weren't many people around at 10 in the morning, i knew exactly what type of people shopped there (rich, white women with huge diamond rings and a few spoiled children in tow), and i saw who was cleaning up after that type of people (who i took to be mexican men, ranging in age from 25-50). i was disgusted. i had a brief fantasy about the roles being reversed: about the mexican families shopping around, and the "froofy" women cleaning up after them! ha! anyway, i'm just very bitter and jaded with the country, with the world... with people in general. what to do? perhaps i need to follow ghandi's (??) advice: "be the change you wish to see in the world." but how? Current Mood: pensive Current Music: hail hail- pearl jam (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, October 5th, 2006
8:49 pm	"don't stop thinking about tomorrow..." ... i heard that song THREE times in one day a few days ago. i wondered what the heck i was supposed to make of it, and now it's coming together: i dwell on the past too much. i suppose i dwell on the future too much as well, and it sucks. i need to focus more on the PRESENT, because that is the only time i can do something about!! silly Mb. anyway, i picked up another job!! :P i'll be a hostess at a popular restaurant 30 minutes from my house. i'm reading through the training manual for my first training tomorrow after school. oh, joy. hmm... yah. first field trip as an actual *teacher* went well! the kids were good overall, and it was a reasonably enjoyable day. tomorrow is field trip #2 with the other half of my class. after that, we have a FOUR DAY weekend for fall break!! :) yay- time to catch up on sleep (and a new job!). peace out. Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: life support- RENT soundtrack (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 24th, 2006
11:59 pm	The self-improvement begins! After a most trying afternoon and evening (worrying about school and my dedication as a teacher), I talked to my mom and a good friend about what to do (I reeeeeeeeeeally wanted to quit today). My friend mostly listened and offered helpful questions; my mom suggested anti-depressants. I preferred the friend's response, though I appreciated both. Anyway, I found a most helpful article this evening while trying to learn more about depression and generalized anxiety disorder (gad). According to what I've found, I don't think I have either, since these conditions are chronic and not typically situation-based. (Maybe I'm normal after all??) Back to the point at hand, the article was exactly what I needed: insightful advice that makes sense. For your reading pleasure, check it out: http://www.mentalhealth.com/mag1/p51-str.html ... Great ideas here. I ended up making a list of things I don't like about school (teaching 2 grades, too much documentation, catering to 27 students all at once, etc.), and I titled them "How I currently view my job." Then, inspired by the aforementioned article, I created another column: "How I could view my job." This helped me reframe the situation by stating positives of the job (fast-paced, interesting, never dull, impacting the lives of others on a daily basis, important, etc.). I feel OK right now, which I haven't been feeling much lately when thinking about my career. Tomorrow, I'm taking the day off in order to a.) relax, b.) find a doctor/counselor to talk to, c.) to find one thing I really like doing, and d.) to plan the week out more extensively. For some reason, the more I lesson plan (even though it stresses me out), the better I feel in the end. So that's it for now. While this is a small step, I hope it's not temporary. I'm really trying to make my life (and the lives of those around me) good, so here it goes. Current Mood: hopeful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
4:17 pm	an affirmation so last night i went up to flag to celebrate a friend's b-day. it was fun, but relatively uneventful. today, in low spirits, i left flag and headed to sedona. up until recently, sedona had been one of my favorite places to visit EVER. now, it holds memories i don't wish to visit at the time. so, after the beautiful flag-to-sedona drive, i headed back toward my house. i stopped at a rest stop on the way. after visiting the little girls' room, i wandered around for a bit. the particular rest stop i had happened upon allowed for walking back on some trails overlooking a valley. it was quite gorgeous. anyway, i had a pseudo conversation (monologue?) with God, if S/He/It was even listening or in existance. i said that i was mad for the way the world had turned out, that there is all this incredible beauty, but that humans just shatter it. i said also that i was angry about the concept of hell; if God created us (a BIG if), why would S/He/It, in all of her/his/its love condem us to an eternity of misery, especially when the people going to hell have likely lived a life like that anyway. i asked what i'm supposed to be doing in my life... i've felt this sad before, sure, just not this directionless and lost. i asked for some sort of sign of what i'm supposed to do, or even just that the universe has *some* meaning/order to it. back on the road home, though, i found a wonderful new spot that i'd never visited before: montezuma's well! this is an absolutely BEAUTIFUL spot that is free of charge to visit! i wandered around for a while, reading the facts posted along the path. i ended up by a beautiful, flowing river surrounded by sycamores and other arizona trees. i just happened to stop to smell the leaves of a small tree on the path; this was the only thing i smelled or even paid close attention to on the whole trip. as luck/fate/the universe would have it, there was a 1977 penny wedged into the delicate bark of the tree. for those of you who don't know, my mom told my sister and me since we were young that every time we found a penny, it was our (deceased) grandfather saying "hello" or watching out for us. now that my grandma is also deceased, she leaves pennies, too. thus, i took this penny as a sign that everything is ok. i've decided to make the best of this difficult time in my life. i'm completely alone in this teeny town, but i'll make sure this time of struggle is also one of growth. thus, weekend by weekend, i shall explore the state of arizona, checking out all the places i've wanted to see but haven't been to yet. this is partially because i'm not sure how long i'll stay in the state. there's really nothing other than financial/legal obligations holding me here at the moment. the only way i got through school on thursday was to think of what it would be like if i could just get into my car and drive and drive and drive until i hit ohio. we'll see. i'm at the school until december, but that could be it. in the meantime, i shall try to enjoy my time here as much as possible. this means that i'll be spending LOTS of time by myself, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing; it could be an adventure! okee, that's it for now. Current Mood: okay Current Music: light my candle- RENT soundtrack (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 17th, 2006
5:03 pm	Here's to being single! After an interesting look into other people's insanity, I've decided to embrace my singledom. After all, what better way is there to know myself? Ha. Maturity's a little bitter, but I think it's good medicine. Or something. Just thought I'd post a *healthy* entry in here for once! Peace. Current Mood: okay Current Music: Raoul Diaz (misc. piano songs) (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 10th, 2006
10:32 pm	and so it is... ... yowzas. briefly: -spent the day off-and-on crying for 11 hours. yay! -an unlikely phone call (from my dad) actually helped... he can be a good motivator sometimes. -found an article that i've discussed on here before... fits my life perfectly right now: http://www.newteachercenter.org/article2.php -dreading tomorrow, but know this is a true test of my mettle. can i, a person usually surrounded by support and love, survive in a crazy school district with few people to help? stay tuned to find out. Current Mood: drained Current Music: the blower's daughter- damien rice (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
8:29 pm	a quick run-down of humor: so an excerpt from an IM convo with a friend goes like this: Anjelic79: oh, i keep seeing the craziest things when i go running Anjelic79: tonight: a skunk RIGHT in my path with its tail up (eek!!), and a bat almost dove into my head VersePsychology: LOL!!! VersePsychology: Oh my gosh Anjelic79: i know! VersePsychology: What did you do? Anjelic79: i ran! VersePsychology: Veer off to the side? LOL Anjelic79: kinda, yeah Anjelic79: and i have my music blasting always, but i always yell, "whoa! holy!" Anjelic79: and i'm sure it's louder than i think 'cause of the music... so neighbors probably think i'm psychotic VersePsychology: Well, I guess it's a good warning Current Music: everything's not lost- coldplay (Comment on this)
6:41 pm	i'll survive! yup. so today was a GOOD day at school... holy crap! (cross reference teacher blog for more details.) i'm still sad about the breakup thing, but i think it's good for me to become independent, stand on my own two feet, all that. so there. don't have much to write today. feel a LOT better than yesterday, though. i appreciate the concern i've seen from y'all; it means more than i can say. i also don't want this blog/blurty to be an MbBitchFest, so I'll leave you with a funny quote from conan o'brien: "Apple has issued a recall on several models of Mac laptops because the battery can overheat and catch fire. Experts say a Mac fire is just like a PC fire, except it's more hip and condescending." tee hee. well, that's all for now. just wanted to have a cheerier entry in here for once. peace. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Monday, September 4th, 2006
9:21 pm	oy. man, this sucks. about every 5-10 minutes, i cry. this CANNOT happen at school tomorrow. i' m vaguely worried, but i've been pretty good about "turning off the tears" in front of the kids. (knock on wood!) i feel very alone right now. i really don't have any friends in this new, tiny town, and i only have a handful in flagstaff anyway. i don't like my job at the moment, though the like/dislike fluctuates. i'm now out of a relationship that was my longest in years. crushing, actually. i'm worried about money (as always) and what will become of me. i don't mean to wallow in self-pity, but this is just a very sad time. also, i probably won't join the coast guard. for now, i'll probably stay in the states for a while. canada looks tempting. hmm... maybe i shouldn't update when i'm so sad. more another time. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: Don't Change Your Plans- BFF (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006
11:44 pm	my options... so i've been thinking about a career change (we'll see, though... maybe teaching will pan out). other ideas i'm considering: -joining the peace corps (2-year commitment) -flight attendant -coast guard -juvenile detention teacher and/or guard -random government job -random office job -going back to school for nursing or massage therapy if i'm neglecting something good here, please let me know!! also, i'll take votes on what y'all think would be a good option. peace. Current Mood: restless Current Music: bedtime story-madonna (Comment on this)
6:55 pm	alone again... naturally so i'm back to playing solitaire. not really a surprise, but still sad. we're gonna stay friends, which is great, but it's never fun breaking up with someone. especially when you've been with that someone for nearly a year. :( it's ok, though; i'm looking forward to some time alone. this will be extremely difficult (especially with a job i'm not sure if i like yet), but i shall survive. [sings:] "Here I go again on my own..." Current Mood: sad Current Music: brighter than sunshine- aqualung (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, August 28th, 2006
9:04 pm	oy quickly, then i MUST get to sleep... -not liking teaching right now... not at all -have been looking for ANY other job that pays well and that's NOT being in a classroom with 28+ kids all day (if you have suggestions, please let me know!) -feel bad for feeling bad lately, go figure -have been questioning many of the choices i've made in my life (oh, so healthy!) -am looking forward to the end of the school year!! .... and i'm spent. sorry to be a pooper lately, but that's how i'm feeling. it'd be nice to feel competent at a job i've been preparing for for the majority of my life. :P Current Mood: discontent (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 24th, 2006
7:39 am	Ah, yes... ... sorry, faithful readers, I have not updated in a while. teaching's kinda taken over my life for the moment. fear not, though; i shall write again this weekend to letcha know what's up. peace. p.s. if anyone has any ideas for good jobs (read: jobs that help people) that pay decently, let me know! :P i'm trying to find back-up plans to teaching, just in case. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 6th, 2006
1:24 pm	Teacher Blog is Up!!! (and there was much rejoicing.... yaaaaay...) So here it is, kids: http://a-teachers-first-year.blogspot.com/ Now I'll do you all the favor of keeping personal stuff on here, and teaching stuff on the other one. Wooo! Hokay, off to Flag I go! Peace! Current Mood: accomplished (Comment on this)