"Starting today, like all other days, life begins again for me and the world as I know it. I am the world as I see it and it needs to change. I know life changes with or without me knowing, knowing where to change is not always so simple to notice, yet realizing that change is needed is a paradox."

Status:how I live.
My room is somewhat neat and I like things to be a certain way to feel comfortable: although I share a room with my partner who does not feel the same. Seeing the discomfort she seems to dwell in the state of the room tidy or not. Not to say that she is the reason Why the room is not neat all the time, more so, the fact that she is not a "neat freak" like me conflicts. The difference between "clean" and "not tidy" agitates the discomfort in me and I am not sure if she feels the same though it shows.

The Room itself:where I live.
On the third floor of this 60 - 80 year old (normal) house, I am currently residing is not only strange to me but the work needed to be done to feel safe and "at home" is far beyond the reaches of my efforts. Meaning the money and manpower does not fit the bill of the rent I am expected to pay. Not to mention that I have discovered the energy (chi -- life force) flow of this room is compromised by two exits or entrances (one facing the south we don't really use but has no lock and the other facing west that has no door knob and is rather lower than most openings, giving the fact that I am over six feet tall), two low windows facing the north and no insulation in the ceilings or walls that are only covered with quarter-inch sheet rock. So I have diverted my attention on how to build my own home, using the least amount of resource for maximum amount of comfort. Basically build a house for what I would be paying in rent each month until the home (earthen shelter) is complete.

Conclusion:what I need to live better.

-problem: this apartment does not suit the needs of my mind, body and soul, it portrays the status of my current relationship, and it hemorrhages resources and drains energy from my life as well as my partner.

-solution: acquire new (figure of speech) apartment with listed attributes and amenities.

My sites have been set on using the principal of thermal mass (surrounding structure that acts as wall and the thickness as protection from the elements) and direct R value (using the angle of the sun to light a space or heat a space in the colder months of the year) into the search for a new place to rest my head and weary mind. --A renovated or finished basement apartment with a well built foundation, long south facing windows (clear of obstructions), private entrance, utilities included into the price of the rental agreement, distanced from the busy noise of the city traffic, close enough to still commute the surrounding areas. The list goes on...
With faith and patience all things are possible.

My real name is Emmanuel, (Charlene a.k.a Charly) my girlfriend and I have both been (and still are) Caregivers for an elderly man who is a quadriplegic and his name is Bob. She has worked with him for many years (paid) and I have worked with Bob for about two years. In the past Charly had become so “burnt-out” that she had to admit herself to a hospital and they admitted her to a mental/rehab institution for two weeks (not an enjoyable vacation). After her admittance I took over her job “full time” working and drained to the point that I would sleep between double and triple shifts just to wake up after nightmares of Bob deceased and still talking to me while mourning at his wake.

I on the other hand found myself drinking way too much and not recalling the fact that I was becoming burnt out myself, as this continued, our relationship (as rocky as it was already) had become dangerously volatile and infidelity struck a blow that would devastate our too fragile friendship. I became lost and living right next door the Bob, I needed release but couldn’t leave the city he lived in just to compensate for the fact that the other employee’s would call out randomly because they knew that if they did not want to come in that I am there anyway.

Some time after all this, an old ‘friend/fling’ of mine (whose name won’t be mentioned) was visiting ‘her’ daughter living the next street over with her grand parents, seen me on the way back to Bob’s ‘my room I was renting’ and asked if everything was “ok” and wondered if ‘we could hang out like old times’ and I sure all who read this could understand what happened next. I cheated and became an alcoholic with no regard for my own life.

The main point that I am getting at now is that as I am typing this, Charly is still sleeping at 11am after falling asleep at 11pm last night. She has been working over time, and not taking any time for herself. Just a while ago she woke crying from a horrible dream that all of my family (including me) had turned on her and wanted nothing to do with her. I am not sure what to do, I do go to Bob’s with her at least three out of her six shifts a week, just to keep her from having another mental break down and now I am worried that she won’t snap out of it this time around.

Seeking help for Me, my dearest Charly and Bob. Please help!

Instead of saying "I'll do it, if no one esle is going to..." recite "I like the way I do it, better!"

Never was here before.

This place, where I am now, has been and always will be my life.
The up's and down's are all part of the game, which I feel I am
playing very well. I am not always so competitive, yet I play to win. Different strategies and techniques are key to winning, but the
winners circle is not always the best place to be. Most proud people
have no problem stepping on the little guy to get where they are, I
on the other hand don't feel so comfortable chilling inside the
winners circle, surrounded by losers, nor do I want to be on the
outside looking in.

Off and running my new game plan seems to have it flaws but what
plan does not acknowledge the pitfalls before they happen? Some of
these so called plans sink like lead balloons while others soar like
paper airplanes. Mine is somewhat more complicated, even though it has been thoroughly looked over many times for its mistakes, which I
feel is only the beginning. Where you learn to correct your mistakes
and make the proper changes is truly where you start. Going on to new things is a small step in the right direction, moreover the momentum
is the key factor in the paradigm, no-motion vs. slow-motion.

Hitting the ground running, on the other hand, is a life lesson
only taught to the like-minded that can comprehend the inevitable,
hitting the ground, however, is still hitting the ground and gravity
is an all encompassing force with no mercy or consciousness. Like all the forces in the universe they all follow one rule, for every action is a reaction.

Jetting off into the cosmic ether, I send forth positive thoughts
and action. Part of my plan is to only promote the will of my
creator, which is to be all I can be and learn all there is to know
by means of experience and wisdom. This message (journal entry) is
firmly directed to the ones who know there on the right path, because they have lived it and they love it.

So my saying to you is "Love the life you live, live the life you
love." *famous person-

I hate Danielle.

I want to pray for Danielle.

Seeing, believes and knowing is improving, there can be something’s that have not made sense but a clear thought and just the right illumination, all become understood. Many fear the dark and the night sky, afraid of the natural wonders or dangers that may lurk, yet I look forward to the evening when the night is quiet and the crickets sing their nightly songs. So used to the sun and it daily transit across the equator, helps me with my sense of direction but the moon and her glow lets me feel the resting of dusk and the yawning of dawn, as I never start at any particular time I am always in tune with the son and the moon.

Slowly creeping through this solar system gently sliding over the earth crust seems to comfort my wandering spirit, but the mind never rests. Always clanking and stuttering my jumbled ideas and visions. And yet steadily with the sun setting I can let the whole day go as the last light is seem and the new day has just been inseminated by the spermatozoon of tomorrow, killing anything left of yesterday.

“The bottom line is that we're all due for some changes and the most desirable ones are those that we choose ourselves.” *Jeff Jawer

What’s in a name? an old Chinese proverb says "your true wealth is your reputation," and I would like to add to that "you can not pay your way with your character." I have seen so many people try to "buy with their way with their good looks" and many people who don't seem to get the point that “what is on your face is more than likely what is going on in your head.” Using this as a guideline for others, I try to smile and remember name and faces of people by how they act and their manners. The hand shake means you have social interacting skills and you are not afraid of putting a piece of you out there. The look in the eyes show a general interest and a connection that is recognized by the brain as trustworthy. Introducing yourself is the last thing you do before you make a bad impression.

Many of my friends and family know me (and choose to call me by) Mystro, and those who know me somewhat well enough (or have no respect for my individualism) call me Manny, while my first name is Emmanuel, these personas are no more than a necessary transition from the person I thought I was and the Me I am today.

There is a list of names I would call myself, answering the universal question, “who am I?” I would say first an artist and last a loving supporting father and member of a large family, a giver of life and a seeker of knowledge, a boy in a man’s body and a body of life floating in the cosmic waves of space. Then again I am just a city slicking-want-to-be country boy, tree hugging hippie born too late after the revolution. Or maybe an alcoholic deadbeat who has admitted to cheating and sinning. If this sounds like you, you should stop reading, or keep reading because we may have a lot in common that might teach you something that you thought did not exist.

So what difference does the name make? If I go by what people called me when they were upset, I would refrain from using my name around young influential children. Or if I were to go by how different people have flocked to me like some kind of messiah, my name would probably be broken down into seventy-two different meanings like the early Hebrews did with the name of GOD before most of them were cast out or killed, and it would be so holy that the wrong person speaking my name would go into an demonic trance or convulsions. Needless to say another quote (and there will be more with every entry),

“Everyone is a nobody, and nobody is perfect!” *R Brezsny.