Blurty for Laura.

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Sunday, June 8th, 2003

Subject:today could be blah
Time:10:38 am.
Mood: stressed.
Music:mo' money mo' problems :P.
i hate the weekends because weekends = parents being home. i think i hate living here even more, but it's only temporary. it's better than moving around and never knowing where i'll be sleeping the next night, i'll attest to that. right now they're out, so that's a plus... gives me some time online before i get yelled at. :) how quaint, i know.

i miss alan. ;_; 25 days!! 25 DAYS!!!

mmmn i need money for that. shit. shitshitshit.

why is it always money? money is the devil when you DON'T have it.

i suppose today will be full of stress over money, chain smoking, and ebay. ebay is your friend when you're poor.
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Saturday, June 7th, 2003

Time:10:57 am.
Mood: awake.
Music:"can't get you out of my head" STUCK in my head. Irony, yes?.
i just woke up, and i immediately had the urge to hold my Tinsley-bebe-bunneh. so he's just chillin' in my lap like ...mmmlap. i need to get some pics of my other bunneh, Gryphon. bunnies are TEH SHIT. that's right, teh shit. if you don't like bunnies, you are dumb.

i'm not sure what i'm going to do today, considering that at the moment i have no real job, and my agent hasn't called me for the past two weeks... so i'm free as a bird as far as i know. ooh i know what i'll do, i'll go do some job-hunting because GASP! i NEED a real job. yeah. yesterday i went to the bank to get some shit straightened out with my account, and lo-and-behold i have like $9 left in an account that started with 2 grand. fuuuuuck. and in 26 days i HAVE to have enough to make that trip to cali for Anime Expo. double fuuuuuck.

i'm thinkin Hooter's would be a great option for me at this point. (the blonde girl next to me in this pic is my bets friend jenny, who incidentally works there! :) yay!)

anyways. i had a dream about doves last night. there was snow on the ground and a bunch of near-frozen-to-death doves scattered around in the snow... some burried, some dead, most burried but not quite dead. so get this - in my dream i was running around with a large, sharp metal pole, scewering these poor creatures like shishkabobs regardless of if they were alive or not, and meanwhile a bunch of dragonball z characters were trying to get me to take sides in a fight they were having. O_O

note to self - no more chocolate pie accompianied by tortilla chips and salsa before bedtime.
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.

Friday, June 6th, 2003

Time:9:47 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
Music:mozart - in the hall of the mountain king club remix.
maybe i should make this journal more public?

maybe i shouldn't.

i met a few people recently who want to help me break into the industry further. i'm doing tommy's website, and when i make a demo he's asked to be the first one to hear it. i suppose it's one of those "you-help-me-i'll-help-you" type things. his rap group is definitely going places... so perhaps if i pursue this connection it could help me get my foot in the door.




entertainment industry = money.

i think i could deal with fame well. i doubt it would ever get that far, but i've always had that dream of making money doing something fun and productive...something i love. it could be due to the fact that i'm a leo.. i'm not sure. whatever i do in life, i want to enjoy it and be successful at it. if i have to work in a cubicle or wait tables all my life....well... i'd rather die before resigning myself to that kind of consistant, mediocre hell-torture.

maybe i wasn't really cut out for any kind of life, but i know for a fact i will not settle for a life of mediocrity.

it's all black and white.
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.

Wednesday, June 4th, 2003

Time:12:47 pm.
Mood: complacent.
I am just thankful for the fact that I'm not the only one fucked up in the head. ;)

私の生命がよりよくなるか, またはより悪くなれば私は知っていない。私がmediocrity のこの一定した状態を停止できるように明確な何かが起こることを私は望む私が中付く。私は間違いを... 許されることができるそれら作ったか. あなたが傷つけないあなたを... 知らないが, 何を私を傷つけないことをそれは意味しない。

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Tuesday, March 18th, 2003

Subject:i think..
Time:11:54 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
i think i want to beat the shit outta that woman.

but then i could never do that.

but i can visualize..


somedays i think i'm going insane.

other days i just watch as the time passes me by.

i'm like that rock in the middle of the flowing river.

you see the water rushing past it on every side, but that rock never moves.

but eventually the water erodes the rock.. wears it down until it's nothing.

so what... do i sit here and watch and the world passes me by and just wait until i fade away with it? is that it?

when will I move? when is it my turn?

there is a certain peace of mind that comes with the knowledge that nothing is ever going to change.
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Saturday, March 15th, 2003

Time:12:59 am.
Mood: indescribable.
I felt a sense of wonder tonight as I sat there, cigarette in hand, watching little wisps of smoke twirl and wrap their way up my fingers, beyond my fingertips and up in to the night sky; vanishing into that temperate, sultry air. I couldn't see the stars... only hints of space through the gaps in the mist of clouds above me. It's so quiet out there.

I can't sleep.

I have Madam Butterfly playing on repeat in my mind. It's a soundtrack for the images I've glimpsed and let sink in tonight. I sat there wondering how one could possibly relate to others what they see through their eyes as an individual. How could I possibly create a portrait of myself sitting there, staring at the burning cherry of my cigarette, whilst I glanced around every once in awhile to drink in the beauty around me? Words can't begin to describe how a single moment can capture so many flavors, so many images, so many smells, so much depth. There is a certain mood that is impossible to capture and relate. I was pondering that just now.. how to capture... how to relate.

We have so much depth. Every living being on this planet is full of so many of these memories and instances in time. Would it be a sin to want to steal some of them and play them over and over for anyone to see? There is so much we have yet to experience.... many things we could learn from others; be it human, or maybe even a gust of wind that travels across a starlit field on a summer night.

I wonder what the moon has glimpsed in its years watching over earth. I could only dream.

It's difficult for me to express these workings of my mind. I could play something over and over again in my head to try and understand it and yet it would slip through my fingers like chilled water. I abstain from thinking like this. I always intend to keep myself busy enough as to avoid deep thought... otherwise I know that I will lose myself in these thoughts and eventually alienate myself from reality. Caught up in the intrigue of that blurred line between reality and dreams and what could be and what is. I feel like I'm floating... so lost and yet unafraid of what is to come, or what is to never come... I'm not sure... but I like this contentment.

I feel so light.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, March 8th, 2003

Subject:the day
Time:11:03 pm.
Mood: relaxed.
Today was a breath of fresh air, in the most literal sense. The sky was robin's egg blue, and the clouds were few but the ones that were there were heavenly and fluffy and had silver linings. I enjoyed looking at them. It got to 70 degrees, and the breeze was warm and gentle and nice in every way. All the snow has melted. It really felt like spring today. I sat outside when I awoke. My dad had put Seppen (our dove)'s cage out on the glass table on the back porch, so I sat in the comfy lawnchair next to him and smoked a cigarette while listening to him coo. It was the first time I've really relaxed like that in quite a lengthy amount of time. Birds chirping, dog barking in the distance... things like that. I grasped that moment and took firm hold of it.

I want to share moments like that with Alain.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, March 7th, 2003

Subject:the little things
Time:1:26 am.
Mood:I'm not sure..
Music:the rythmic sound of my typing.
I need to learn how to vacuum better. I was never really taught how to do that persay - I just kind of go through the motions as I see others doing. Is there are proper way to vacuum? I will need a vacuum cleaner when it comes time to start the life I've been dreaming of for the past two months or so. I'll enjoy going through the motions then... fancying myself some sort of domestic goddess, watching as I make those line-patterns in the carpet and feeling my arm get heavy with the repetitiveness of it all.

I want that kind of life. Maybe it's my maternal insticts slowly starting to awaken... but... I want to have a place that's mine and a family that is mine, by blood. Mine. I need that place in my life. I've been running around in circles for so long, and now I just want to sit down in the middle of that circle and rest my head. I can't learn to appreciate that type of repetitiveness. It's causing me to grow ever wearier and fall deeper into a hole of dreams I cannot for the life of me grasp and get a firm hold of. My knuckles are white.

Comfort is increasingly rare.

I found comfort tonight when I was vacuuming. For a moment I lost myself in the repeatitive physical excersize of moving my arm back and forth... back and forth... and the loud hum of the machine itself. The hum became more distant too. I always have a tight feeling in my stomache. The urge to run away and be a child again. I don't want to work... I don't want to worry... I want to hold you and die like that... It's been constant like that for awhile now. It went away in that moment. I was greatful for a small, momentary escapism technique. At least I can know that moments like that one exist, so I can keep going.

...take what you can from your dreams...
...make them as real as anything...'ll take the work out of the courage...

Honestly the one thing keeping me from curling up in a ball in my sheets like a little girl and staying there for awhile is him. I not only have to be strong for myself.... I must be strong for him.

I love him.

I thank God for the little things.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Saturday, March 1st, 2003

Subject:off to dreamland~
Time:1:41 am.
Mood: sleepy.
I really need sleep. But I wanna talk to my baby. Ah well... he's not on so I suppose I will hear from him tomorrow. I hope he gets some good sleep tonight... he needs rest. He works so hard... I love him for that among everything else I love about him.

Rented the Ringu (Japanese version!) tonight... will most likely watch it tomorrow. Ah, the excitement~ :D har.

LOVE YOU, BABY!!! ^__^

goodnight to whomever happens to be reading this.
Comments: Add Your Own.

Friday, February 28th, 2003

Subject:waking whispers
Time:2:55 pm.
Mood: uncomfortable.
Music:DMB - Bartender.
I fear the morning
I fear the aftermath
of what could be the only truth I grasp

I fear the waking
I fear the whispers
of those whom could be the only dreams I forget

If I lose the radience
If it slips through my fingertips
like liquid moonbeams on salty lips
I will never regain that song
that filled my ears so long ago
the only song I could ever know

why do I feel so frightened?
why is every eye a threat?
if I take one last breath of this air
I will perhaps forget...
leave me breathless
take away all doubt
render my heart in a likeness of its past stone-like trance
and show me what a dream of love can be about

I fear the nothing
I fear the everything
I only fear losing you
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Time:1:22 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:DMB - You Never Know.
last night's interview went well. Deanna gave me the leads.. so now all I gotta do is finish my resume and get that black and white headshot taken. Simple enough, right? Here is the list of leads she gave me:

Feature Films
  • The Jacket - Paramount Pictures - filming starts in March
  • Starsky & Hutch - Warner Bros. - filming starts in April
  • Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkabah - Warner Bros. - filming starts in April in the UK

  • E.R. (central casting)
  • Friends (central casting)
  • Malcolm in the Middle (extras casting)
  • 7th Heaven (extras casting)

    so basically I send my headshot and resume into the studios and if they like the way I look and my cover letter and my resume then they'll call me in for an audition. What I really can't wait for, is when my agent gets me auditions I actually GO IN for instead of the whole aforementioned process. *shrug* This is a start, though... don'tcha think?
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    Thursday, February 27th, 2003

    Subject:muy interesanto? O_O SPELL CHECK??
    Time:11:19 pm.
    Mood: bored.
    Music:Eminem - Criminal.
    here's my list of "Laura's points of the day":

  • Odwalla's Superfood drink is the shitbomb.
  • I need to get laid.
  • Meow Mix needs to deliver a particular kitty a complimentary nose job. :P
  • The only reason some people are still being allowed to exist is that commiting murder/homicide/genocide is illegal. It's unfortunate, I know.
  • I need to buy an AK 47.
  • President Bush smokes some dank motherfuckin weed up in that whitehouse. O_O
  • Comments: Add Your Own.

    Subject:1st time for everything..
    Time:12:14 pm.
    Mood: excited.
    Music:Snoop et Jamel - Mission Cleopatre.
    ok so here it is. my first entry.

    I'm really excited about this acting/talent thing. Deanna told me the auditions she wants me to do are for these TV series and movies:
    the next Harry Potter movie
    The Jacket

    The Harry Potter thing would be interesting... me trying to speak with a british accent. *lmao* XD mmyeah right.

    I really wasn't expecting this. X_x

    Well, I just wanna get $$ outta this deal. I better fucking get PAID for it. If I'm paying her a flat fee of $300 per year to be my agent... she BETTER sure as FUCK get me work that will gimme money in my pocket.


    So yeah, I miss Alain.

    I love him so much.

    The whole reason I'm DOING this is to get the $$ to be with him.
    Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.

    Blurty for Laura.

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