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Monday, November 9th, 2009
bigblackheart
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1:31a
if you wanna stand and say fight
we had a long talk last night.
everything seems beautiful when planning for the future.
but in the hour before i finally slept last night, my lousy shadow tapped me on my shoulder.
"it will all fall apart," it said. "every thing you touch."
that always foreboding message has never failed to materialise before. not that i have ever let it stop me from going for what i want, but the catch is that i will surely shatter at some point, and i'll find myself questioning the naiveness every time.
there was a point last night where i wanted to share that exact thought, and even thought of dismantling everything before it even gets to start.
the last time i tried the latter, it didn't work. in fact, it only caused a lot of hurt to everybody. that was some years ago, and i have never done something that stupid since.
what can i say?
do i blindfold myself again?
how many times must a fool fall before he realises that he's already dead?
silly, but i don't think i can not try.
something's coming over me
fever of a hundred and three
and if you wanna stand and say fight
well i can do this all night
i've got the weight of the world on me
not tomorrow
not today
i'll do it anyway you like
something's coming over me
fever of a hundred and three
you've got one chance
take it
something's coming over me
i've lost all feeling
i can't even fake it
something's coming over me
fever of a hundred and three
we've got no second chances
something's got a hold of me
it's our one chance
take it
ready? laser? let's go.
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Sunday, November 8th, 2009
bigblackheart
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2:47p
last night, we decided
we'll get it right
it's the last chance to forgive ourselves
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bigblackheart
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6:50a
the resistance
whole night of drinks and nonsense. sat around for the past hour and a half to recover.
really need to reduce the drinking and the smokes.
finally was arsed to listen to muse's new album, the resistance.
been a week so far, and i think i have a grip on the album now.
an okay album. not very original. the influences rose to the surface too often for my liking.
it's the same problem i have with their previous releases, save for a few gems here and there.
however, i'd say that exogenesis symphony is easily the best thing muse has ever done.
well, it is at least next to stockholm syndrome, i think. haha.
even though it's quite clear where the pieces stemmed from, i still love them.
by the time it got to redemption, it is simply magic.
got to sleep.
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twistified
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1:15p
no point struggling now.
let myself freefall.
come what may.
when i hit rock bottom i'll know how to get back up. at least that's what i think.
i'm sick of how my wanting to be silent is often misinterpreted as indifference by others. it is even more disappointing when the ones whom you think will love and accept who you are do so too.
i also want to know.
why humans complicate every single thing?
why are there so many symbolic gestures or actions or behaviors we need to display in order to let others know that we are genuinely sincere at a very particular moment?
i'm so sick.
just this morning i had the urge to sweep everything off the coffee table. but i can't. because that'd be perceived as rude and immature.
for me, it's a means of taking it out against things that don't really matter. rather than issuing a slap across someone's face.
maybe i'm just rude, selfish, insensitive, whatever.
but i don't give a shit. my life is lived not to please others. i was given life to enjoy the beauty of this world.
unfortunately, apart from nature - trees, sky, clouds, flowers, massive ocean, i see nothing particularly beautiful.
on some days when you are in love, everything looks good.
on other days when you feel like everyone is aiming an arrow at you, there's nothing to be seen.
so...do i shift my sight away from those arrows (which are gonna come anyway) or enjoy the scenery for as long as i live?
is there a word that means "angry" + "sad"?
how about "angry" + "1/2sad" * "dejection" / "hopelessness"?
i think i'm wasting space on earth. i should just die off. i mean fuck off.
okie....back to my books. hope i'd forget the shit soon.
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Friday, November 6th, 2009
bigblackheart
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4:25p
dark luck
on some days, we are meant to be gods.
and gods we are.
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Thursday, November 5th, 2009
bigblackheart
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11:44p
my turn
said my piece today. life these coming few months will be all up in the air.
had some beer in the evening. failed in abstinence.
came home feeling low in energy for some reason. maybe too much smoking.
sat around for a couple of hours before showering just now.
suddenly, i feel motivated to play a dj set.
looking forward to tomorrow's masterclass with park chan-wook.
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twistified
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4:32p
achieving bigger things for dummies
everything just went wrong today.
my item list for my weekly report has quadrupled.
my boss said out loud in exasperation that she's got more things to remember than me, and there i was confusing her. matters were made worse when i wrote rubbish on my email.
morning was nothing pleasant either, a perceived lack of affection for my other half is making me feel crap too.
nothing i say or do went down well.
everyone is just striking me out. cross cross cross.
sigh...am i not destined for bigger things?
why is it that at moments when it matters most, i screw up?
and why are my mistakes more glaring than others?
this despite me making a promise to focus more on work than facebook and what-nots.
does this signify that if i can't handle whatever's in my task-box now, i can never move up a corporate ladder? and that i should just be content with what i've got now?
does that mean god designed me to be as inferior?
*looks up the sky
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bigblackheart
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1:57a
and there you go
a brand new keyboard:
got into school in the morning and decided i need a keyboard for the project, so i went to ask the technical support people.
couldn't find them, but i bumped into luis instead and so i told him what i was up to.
went back to my studio and continued working.
vicky then appeared at my door, saying that she heard about my cooking. found out that she had wanted to come over on sunday but she had already cooked roast at home, so she stayed home instead.
she then asked me how i made the food, which i thought was quite hard to explain in proper context unless we were in a kitchen or unless she had at least tasted them.
in the end, i said that i'll cook for everyone again one day, and she can come over then. while she was still in the state of joy, i suggested she bring me some of her funky cakes too.
in the midst of our excitement for another dinner party, one of the technical support people appeared, holding a brand new box containing the keyboard i asked for! woohoo!
turned out that luis had subsequently bumped into one of the techies and so he asked them for the keyboard on my behalf. that is why he is one of my amigos.
vicky pranced off back to work, as i watched the keyboard get unwrapped and connected to my system. in a matter of minutes, it was blinking and all ready to be abused.
".. and there you go!"
thanked the techie and the first thing i did was to make a bunch of noise.
jean-marc dropped by for a short while and we jammed a little. haha.
we also had lunch at the pub, and i was proud of myself for not ordering any alcohol.
much later, i realised i forgot to ask vicky about her halloween get-up from last friday. was pretty impressed with the paint job – top effort and quality!
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Wednesday, November 4th, 2009
bigblackheart
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1:00a
walked into a nuclear war
so marianne and i decided to start drinking from 5 pm.
jean-marc joined us, and soon, we migrated to the pub.
more people joined us.
had dinner there because we were famished.
my drunkenness got cleared off by the food.
then, a mini spectacle happened.
marianne almost got into a fight, with not one person, but two.
for some reason, jean-marc and i just kept laughing, while listening to music from his iphone.
we left soon after.
funny day.
as tom put it: "did i just walk into a nuclear war here?"
head still pounding a little. need sleep.
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