|
[24 Jan 2005|11:55pm] |
|
yeah pretty boring day. No school so I went to Mollies for awhile Who I love very much. Then me and Joe went to have my fluids in my car checked then cruised and went to Best Buy. After wards we went to Macados and I remembered I had to work so I was late for it. Worked and came home and talking to Mollie and gotta get a shower and 2 hour delay tomorrow. Yeah
|
|
| My sunday |
[24 Jan 2005|12:46am] |
so I went to Mollies at around 3:30-4 and chilled with her and Terra for a little while. Since Mollies grounded we can't go anywhere but its cool. I don't care, as long as I get to see her (good huh?) because I love her soooo much and everything. I'm over there so much my mom thinks me and her are dating.
So at around 6 I went home and ate dinner then took a shower then back to Mollies at around 8. we watched Some movies then we put in Pirates of the Caribean until about 12 then I had to go home. but I'll see her tomorrow
|
|
|
[18 Nov 2004|09:58pm] |
So shits been the same. Nothing changes anymore. I hate that. I start to hate my life and all that shit. Got a big show Sunday night with Kataklysm and Doom and The Macabre. Its gunna be tight as hell. Hopefully.
I'm out here, by myself.
All alone.
Ready to blow my head off.
I hurt so bad inside.
I wish you could see the world through my eyes.
Each day is the same
I just wanna live again
|
|
| homecoming party |
[10 Oct 2004|11:02pm] |
|
So saturday night went to Chris' house for a homecoming party. It was fuckin crazy. Met my new friend Laura. We got fuckin trashed man. Taking shot after shot of vodka. Ended up feeling like shit and passing out in the kitchen floor but hey man it was worth it. Man somebody fuckin stole my bottle of Jack and my lighter. What the fuck!!!??!?!?!?! god damn you bastards always stealing shit from me. Anyway so yeah I definitely got to do that shit again. Especially with Laura man. That was fuckin amazing. The girl drank just as much as me. she ended up losing it a few times though and passed out in the grass crying but hey shit happens.
|
|
| the big 1 7 |
[30 Sep 2004|03:11pm] |
So last weekend I did what I do best which was drink. Got stoned Saturday night as well.
Monday was boring nothing extraordinary happened.
Tuesday was my birthday and school was cancelled because of the rain, so I picked up Lindsey and we went to Jesskas. Then Brewer came over and me and him took shots of aristocrat. Went to Eddies and by the time I left there I was getting pretty drunk, and I had to drive. So it sucked I almost hit someone. Anyway so I chilled at Jesskas til about 9 then took Lindsey home and went home. My mom thought I was smoking so she smelled my breath, I'm a dumbass and forgot she would be able to smell the alcohol.
woke up Wednesday and we had a 2 hour delay. As I was leaving for school I asked my mom for some antacids and she asked me if I had been drinking last night so I tod her I had a shot or 2. She didnt' really blow up on me like normal. After school I went to band practice and we went out to IHOP while we were gone my mom called Tylers mom and told her she had found some of the pictures of me at Mollies b day party. Every pic of me I have a cig and a beer and the god damn bong with me. Surprisingly she still hasn't said anything about any of it.
But what is she really gunna do? She can't take my car. I need it and she needs me to drive. Other than that there really isn't much else to do to me. But I'm probably just jinxing myself which is gunna be a bitch if I am.
So all in all it was a pretty good birthday for me. It sucked too but what can ya do. It probably the most interesting birthday yet.
|
|
| PARTY |
[21 Sep 2004|11:57pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
What a wonderful world-Louis Armstrong |
] |
yeah so I did alot of drinking this weekend.
Friday I hung out with Jessy and went to El Torreo with her and Patty. Then chilled with her and went shopping for HC dresses. Then went to Mollies and chilled with Evan and them. Then went and picked Joe up at McDonalds and we got drunk kinda.
Saturday I didn't do a whole lot during the day. drove around alot. Ended up in Franklin county. I love to do that though, take long ass drives through back roads in the country. I like to do it with some one I like but it doesnt always work like that. Its still very relaxing. Then that night went to Mollies surprise birthday party. It was one hell of a night. Don't really think I should go into details about it though. Sunday I left her house at about 6 and went home and did nothing.
So anyway. Life seems to be so much more tolerable now. Its amazing how somebody can say one little thing and completely change your whole out look on life. Thats what happened to me last week. I just feel rejuvenated. Its a great feeling.
|
|
| BluDFeD Mutha fuckas!!! |
[16 Sep 2004|11:19pm] |
|
Thats right boys and girls, we are back and even heavy and better than before. Servo has taken the place of Spaz and fits so much better. Hopes are to write a few more songs and try to record by the end of the next week. Then play Battle of the Bands at Hidden Valley on October 8th. Other than that I really don't have anything. Oh yeah I'm supposed to go to prom this year with Lindsey. Apparently shes serious about it too, I saw the dress she wants. Whatever I'm down I suppose I could suck it up this once. Yeah my personal life hasn't changed much or I haven't noticed if it has. ITs just work and school and band practice it seems like now. I try to do things with Lindsey or Jessy or whoever I can when I get the chance but its hard nowadays.
|
|
| It all comes back in the end |
[12 Sep 2004|11:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Down Again-Chimaira |
] |
Everything always comes back around every god damn time. I feel like shit for the longest time. I'm miserable and want to disappear forever. Then I leave for a few months and I come back and I've recovered from all the bullshit that happens and I'm doing good, I can see her and not feel anything I can just do things and feel fine, nothing can get me down. Then one night something that doesn't even matter happens, doesn't even directly affect me, actually fuckin ruined everything. I fall right back into what I was. Unhappy thinking shit that I really shouldn't be.
Its not normal. Its not as bad as it used to be. Its now that I feel like all my friends and everybody is passing me by. I'm the only one who isn't advancing in high school or in the adult world. I mean yeah I can drive I work alot and make pretty good money. I am a mature person, but I don't mean it like that. Things are now happening to my friends that aren't to me and I can't handle it. I don't know why this bothers me so much but Christ I can't take it sometimes. I'm gunna take a fuckin huge ass long knife and fuckin nail myself to the wall and just slowly bleed to death.
Darkness, imprisoning all that I see absolute horror.
I cannot live, I cannot die, trapped in myself, body my holding cell.
|
|
| With all thats said and done |
[03 Sep 2004|11:45pm] |
|
Glad thats been settled so now we can move on. Anyway, so HV sucks balls and Blevins can kiss my ass because I don't really have a problem leaving school. What I did to him was a little thing called FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!! asshole. Look at the first amendment. Yeha the whole students don't have rights at school is bullshit. FUck him. Yeah so I finally saw Lindsey and shes doing good. Everyone else is the same. Benn hanging out with Perkins lately. Went to the game and saw Kylee who is great too won't say what happened though for her sake. peace
|
|
| With all thats said |
[02 Sep 2004|11:43pm] |
|
With that being covered I love you too. Friends til the end. Just lets not let this happen again. I don't like when this kinda stuff happens especially between us. Fights will just make us lose contact then it'll end up being another 3 years before I even talk to you. So I'll make sure to call you or come by and see you when I'm in town from now on. Is that alright with you? If you're busy then I can deal with that, if you blow me off then I'm gunna call it quits. I've wasted too much of my life on things that won't happen and don't matter. LEts not make this one of them. I love you Alyssa Lauren Hamlin. Until the day I die
|
|
| I can deal |
[02 Sep 2004|12:34am] |
Fuck Hidden Valley those fucking pricks.
Anyway, I know how it was and how it is now. I know you've moved on, its not that I haven't but I still do miss what was once. I know its gone and to be honest it probably won't be again. I wish I could say differently but thats how life is, you can't always like it. I've had heartbreaks and I'm sure I've done it myself( highly unlikey but you get the point) but I won't let it stop me from my life and being happy and not having to worry about you and how I will affect you by what I do. I miss you, I always have and always will. I sometimes wish I had never left and maybe we'd be together now. But thats not how it worked out and if we're to continue what we have now which is apparently just friendship we have to try. As I've said before I's rather just be friends thatn nothing at all. Had I not left I wouldn't be who I am today. Which I can say I'm pretty much proud of what I am now as to what I was then. I'd like to still you and hang out and whatever would happen would happen. I'd rather not say in the future " yeah I used to know that girl when I was younger but we stopped talking" 20 years later. I don't really know waht else to say so I hope this covered it. I think you understand and agree with what I say but maybe you won'y and I can't help that. This is what I feel but maybe I'm wrong and things will just get much better than they are now. I hope so. I'd really hate to lose you. We've known each other for more than half of our lives. Why waste that?
|
|
| in regards to the last entry |
[30 Aug 2004|11:11pm] |
|
Summer was pretty damn good, don't really feel like going into detail about it though. Drank and smoked alot though. Someone annonymously posted a comment on my last entry though, which I'm pretty sure I know who it was. So anyway. If you don't want to be a lost cause then make it out to be one. I've tried to meet you half way but you refuse to do that. I won't sit around forever and wait for you. If you would have just done something instead of always saying it maybe I would have changed my mind, but everytime I'm around you don't care and when I'm gone you say how much you miss me and I'm tired of it. You knew I liked you more than a friend so don't play that card, its already been used. Whatever happens is a result of what you do and what you say. I tried, now its your turn. I called you, I even went to your work to talk to you and all I get is a hi and thats it. I don't want to end what we had/have but your making it as though I should, so make up your mind and let me know what you have to say.
|
|
| Summer part one |
[23 Jun 2004|03:57pm] |
its been awhile since I wrote anything. Not that any of you read it but its ok. Just lets me know who cares and who doesn't.
Anyway since school has been out I've either been drunk off my ass or stoned outta my mind. I'm up at my dads for the whole summer so I don't get to see any of my friends down in Roanoke. Which sucks but I seriously doubt any of them really care or notice that I'm gone. I've talked to a few people since I left but I don't think they really wanted to talk to me. Fuck it.
So wes stayed at my house and last night and we went to this cabin down the street from my house and jacked a few bottles of 18 year old wine. That shit was aged so well. We made a bonfire and got toasted then went back up to my house at like 2 and went to sleep. Drinking is so great. I think I'm just gunna become an alcoholic just for the hell of it. Smoking is good too but I prefer being drunk to high. Cigarettes I can deal with, those are just great too. Never give that up.
I miss the way things used to be. Like last summer was full of stupid high school drama type shit but it was still great. This year just doesn't seem the same. I don't think it will be either. there was a time in 9th grade during school that I wish I could bring back too. I've tried to bring that back since I lost it but it just isn't gunna happen. I guess somethings aren't menat to be. Which pisses me off because I really want her.
On other notes my fucking car should be done tonight so I can drive it soon. I missed the WIGM fest which sucks. Monica is no longer an issue because she has a boyfriend who she won't cheat on, and I have yet to talk to Alyssa which almost seems like a lost cause. To tell you the truth Roanoke is alot beter thatn here. I have more friends guys and girls, and the girlfriends are so much better. They actually don't mind hanging out with me when asked or they ask me to hang out with them. Here you don't get that. Like Lindsey, and Maggie,Patty, and Jesska and some others. They ask me to hang out. What great friends. I'm lucky to have them. Yeah I know I'm getting all sentimental but I can't help it. Just too many things are always left unsaid by me. I never say what I need to say to certain people. Or when I think I'll get the chance it always falls through. Maybe its best that she doesn't hear what I have to say.
|
|
|
[31 May 2004|12:28pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Vermillion pt 2- Slipknot |
] |
She is everything to me
The unrequited dream
A song that no one sings
The unattainable, Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason
I dont know what to do, I dont know what to do when she makes me sad.
But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
A catch in my throat
Choke, torn into pieces
No, I dont want to be this
But I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
I wont let this build up inside of me
She isnt real
I can't make her real
She isnt real
I can't make her real
So much shit happened lately. I'm officially done with it. I quit. everyone has a breaking point, and I've reached mine. I don't really see or talk to her much and I kinda don't care. Its her loss. I don't get it, she says one thing but does or menas another. I can't help feeling the way I do but atleast she could just let me know. Either help me out and meet me half way or just say sorry not interested. FUCK!!!
I've been working alot lately.. I can't wait to get paid. I need the money so damn bad. Work sucks and I work alot but fuck it.
Aaron quit the band again, and this time for sure. He's gone for good, I don't want him back this time. We missed two shows because of that fucker.
Friday night I went to Festival in the Park with Lindsey. It was pretty good and enjoyable. Got drunk with Joe and David and a bunch of other guys.
Saturday I worked and then slept until the evening. Went to Guys and Dolls pool hall with Zach, April, and Aprils sister Britney. That was pretty cool. I went to Evans at like 12 and we got drunk there.
Sunday I worked and then went to Festival in the Park again with Maggie and Megan. Saw Zach and them and Britney was hangin all over me saying I was her boyfriend. I'm like ok whatever. After that we chilled for awhile and the beatles tribute band didn't show up. So they're coming today at 5.
|
|
| addiction |
[19 May 2004|12:30am] |
Why is it that I can't wait to see you everyday?
And when I don't I feel imcomplete?
As if something is missing inside of me
You're like an addiction
I'm addicted to you
Is that a lost cause?
If so is there something to get me off of you?
If not I need to fulfill this desire
But how?
Kory- man 2 months already Miss you dude RIP
the foundation on any relationship is three words............I don't know
Where are you going? I don't know
What are you doing? I don't know
Whose that under you? I don't know
-Kelso
|
|
|
[16 May 2004|08:10pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Helter Skelter |
] |
Man. Friday me, evan and some girls from NS went out and it was pretty fun. More fun than I've had in ahwile. I started work Thursday. My life has just kinda halted now. Everytime I get up I always fall back down. Everytime I get down I usually come back up. Mostly because of my friend Shane. He is one of the greatest people I know. I pity the people who don't know him. Last night he helped me decide some tough things I needed to do. I've decided that I don't think I'm moving. atleast not yet. I was feeling pretty good about things, like my relationships with people. Or atleast the lack of it, but right then it wasn't bothering me. Today I went to the mall and to the local colors festival with Evan. Had a pretty good time this weekend. Then I don't think people quite realize that some things they say really hurts you. They might not realize that you care that much but you take it differently than they think you will. It just sucks. I just keep on falling and someone stops me then lets go again. The temporary highs in life aren't cutting it anymore. I want to send my car into a tree sometimes. Just to test my odds. How lucky am I? If I live through it then that means I'm pretty lucky and I could probably get her. If I die then that means I didn't have a chance so fuck it. Its a horrible way to think but what can ya do. People say and do crazy things for love. HA love what the fuck is that? I am not worthy of it nor will I ever get it.
|
|
| my time to shine |
[11 May 2004|12:55am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
My Immortal-Evanescence |
] |
School is school. SOL's tomorrow. I was supposed to pick up my car after school today but they called and said it wouldn't be ready until tomrrow. God damnit. My mom made me go to my isters band concert thing. God it was boring so I went to sleep during that. What a day.
When will it be my time to shine? I feel that staying here isn't doing anything for me yet leaving won't do much either. I have about as much here as I do anywhere else. So why stay? but why go? I feel like everybody is catching these breaks recently but me. Tyler has a girlfriend who he spends all of his time with, like everyone else. Everyone seems to be getting girlfriends but me. Its not just that its everything, I don't know what I'm going to do after high school or about this summer. I've got like 4 weeks to decide and nothing has made me want to change my mind. Bludfed is the only new thing but sometimes I feel we aren't gunna go anywhere with it. If I leave I have to start all over again, and I'm tired of doing that, no one has really made me want to stay but no one has made me want to leave either. I'm at a stale mate. Fuck I hate thinking like I'm like a fucking adult or something. Its so tiring and stupid. I worry constantly about things I shouldn't have to. I hope to much on things I know won't happen. I know I'm not gunna get a girlfriend here, no one shows any interest. But you would think that since I know this I wouldn't dwell on it yet I do anyway. Fuck people and how they think but won't say. I do it yet I hate it. I need a sign, a straight forward sign from somebody that there is a reason to stay. If not then fuck I'm out. Bludfed is the only thing that I'll stay for at this point as long as we get somewhere. If not then I'm out. I'm tired of being tired, thinking but not getting an answer to the questions I ask, hoping but them not coming true, trying but failing. I'm stuck right in the fucking middle of it. Sometimes I wish I would just die. Not that I'm suicidal or anything just so I can be at ease over this shit. Its too hard.That way I know who cares and who doesn't. I have a problem with believing what I'm told. I know some people have it worse than me but I don't exactly like what I am. I like things to be there right in front of me. I like to know whats going on and how to do it and how to fix it and know what I'm doing. But I don't and fuck I can't stand it. You can only look on the bright side of things for so long before you just can't take it anymore. I think I'm just about at my breaking point. I don't want that to happen. I'm a very serious person yet I like to have fun but I can't if I'm not happy. When is the last time I was happy? I don't remember, I have people say things to me that made my day but that only takes me so far before it doesn't mean anything anymore. I hate bitching but I do that more than anything else, I just naturally complain on just about everything. I think I try to live my dads life too much. He married his high school sweetheart and for some reason I think I need to too. Why? I look up to my dad so much yet why? Granted hes not the greatest person in the world but now matter what he does I still think so highly of him. My dad is my hero, my idol, my whatever you want to call it. Drugs always seem good just so I have something to fall back on but I can't will myself to do them which pisses me off. I have nothing to fall back on and I hate it. I feel like I'm the only one that realizes that in 2 years we graduate and most of us will leave and we won't see each other anymore or not as much. Does any one else realize this? 2 years isn't that long if you think about it. But nobody will act on it. Oppurtunities come every so often but once they're gone you can't get them back. I've passed up my share which I regret almost everyday. Likw when I screwed things up for me and someone else. Had I just acted on it when it was there just think of where I would be now. Most likely not writing in this stupid ass thing about how I hate myself. Maybe even made tat person happy. Today on the way to my sisters concert I was listening to My Immortal by Evanescence and I realized what I'm afraid of: I'm afraid that when I die that no one will care. That I made no impact on anybody mentally or physically. That nothing I did or said meant anything to them. They'll just go on doing what they were before they found out I was gone. But even if they told me that I made a difference in their lives, would I believe it? It seems conceded to me but I think I just want to be remembered and not forgotten. I'm such a bastard.
|
|
|
[09 May 2004|02:19am] |
|
Not much happened today. Woke up at 2. Went to the mall again with Evan, Clay Coyer and Chris. Then Me and Chris saw Van Hellsing while the rest saw Punisher. Van Hellsing is fuckin awesome as hell man. Thats about it. Got home at 12:30. Talked to Tyler for a while since he got off work when we got out of the movie. Came home and haven't done shit since then.
|
|
| I drive a P.O.S. |
[08 May 2004|02:59am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Not so Kool-aid-Dane Cook |
] |
I had to take my moms car today because mine had to go in the shop to get fixed. I don't get it back until Monday after school. Didn't do shit at school, went to Lindseys until like 5 and did stuff. After that I went home and slept until dinner then after that me and Eric went to the mall and I bought a new belt buckle. Its badass. Then I went and bought the Dane Cook cd/dvd. God damn he is like the funniest mother fucker ever. Went back to Erics and we watched the dvd and I came home at 11.
I started watching Master and Commander but passed out like 20 minutes into it. Man at fuckin 1am somebody was tapping me telling me to wake up and I looked at him and thought it was my friend Tony from Ohio and I started freakin out man. I was like holy shit dude what are you doing here. Then when I was actually conscience I realized it was David Meilky. Joe and austin and him came over and I left the door unlocked because I was outside earlier. Man I about had a god damn heart attack. So I went out with them until about 2:30 came home and probably gunna finish that movie.
|
|
|
[07 May 2004|08:57am] |
Aaron is back! Now nobody has to be angry and kick his ass. The show was good. Terror ascends is cool and this band psychotogen was fuckin awesome. I didn't stay for the rest of the show though because I was tired as hell and I had to be home. I didn't even stay to see Dying Fetus but oh well I don't listen to them anyway.
This morning I had to take my moms car because she took mine in to get worked on. Not much planned tonight or this weekend. But we'll see.
|
|