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[04 Mar 2004|10:35am] |
Something feels a little off-balance today. Yesterday too, actually. I don't know.
xxx
Alex
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[04 Mar 2004|07:50pm] |
I think my opinion of John has changed a little bit... and I don't feel like I overreacted over Ben's news from last week anymore.
We were in calc today and John was fooling around on his cell phone, obviously text messaging people. In the middle of class he got really upset about something... like he got really quiet and he had this blank look on his face, but when I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fine.
Near the end of the period he put his head down on the desk and I figured he was just going to sleep, because... well, John goes to sleep in calculus every day. But then when the period ended he didn't pick his head up... he was just sort of rubbing his eyes and when Erin and I asked if he was okay he didn't answer.
Finally when he picked his head up, his face and eyes were red, and clearly he was crying, and I was shocked because I had never seen him cry before... actually I had never really seen him show any emotion like that before... and it was really sudden and random.
So we started walking to lunch and I felt really bad, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he kind of kept walking, and then when we passed the bathroom he went in to wash his face, and he handed me his phone to show me the text message from one of his good friends that said something along the lines of "my dad has cancer... don't tell anyone."
I felt horrible to hear that; even though I don't know his friend, it always stings when you hear something like that. I waited for John to come out of the bathroom and we went to lunch, and by the middle of the period he was back to his normal self.
As horrible as this sounds, I think a little more highly of him because of the way he reacted today. In the back of my mind I always saw him as a little bit heartless, the kid that you could never trust. And I still know that I can't trust him, but now I see that he really does care about people. Somewhat. But seeing him break down like that... it made the concept of "well maybe he does have a soul" a little bit more concrete.
I don't really know what the point of this entry is, other than to say that I now know that John actually does have the ability to feel something. He always seems to push everyone and everything away... he never shows any emotion at all... things just don't seem to bother him. He always seemed sort of invincible, if you will, to me but seeing him vulnerable the way he was today made me realize that everybody has their limit. No matter how on top of things you try to make yourself appear to be, everybody has a breaking point.
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