| And all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight |
[24 Jan 2004|01:49am] |
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I spent the entire night thinking about him.
And all he can do is speak to me about V.
I don't want to be the best friend anymore. I want to be the one he thinks about when he watches movies like Along Came Polly and Say Anything. Because he's the one I think about.
This is without a doubt the worst feeling ever. I don't know if I can deal. Maybe I should just end it now. Before I get any more wrapped up in it.
I spend the entire night waiting for him to call. Even though I know that he's going to call, even though when he does call I know in the back of my mind that it's not because he wants to talk to me, but because he needs to talk to someone.
I can't decide whether I feel used or not. I think I do a little bit, but something makes me feel like he is genuine.
Why do I continue to lead myself on? Why does he think it's okay to talk to me about V when he clearly knows that I am in love with him? Because that's what our friendship is based on, the fact that he can talk to me. And I can talk to him too. And I like that. And I need that. But the thing that is on my mind the most, the one thing that I really do need to talk about is the one thing I cannot say.
And honestly, things were a lot worse before this whole thing began. School is better for me now. I used to think that I wouldn't make it through the day; I used to go from class to class virtually on the verge of tears. I feel like I have a place and a purpose in being his friend; I have something solid that has yet to betray me.
Speaking of betrayal, I saw Adam walking to his car today, and for the first time since Lincoln was assassinated, he acknowledged my presence, waving his arms in the air and yelling my name. I looked him in the eye, gave him the most obviously fake smile that my muscles could produce and kept walking. Then he had the nerve to smile back and say "What? I don't even get a wave?" and I kept my eye contact with him and continued on my way.
Is he serious?
People are ridiculous. He is such a pompous asshole... does he really think that I would welcome him with open arms after he and his little posse completely ruined my life last year? After I came home from school and wished that I would die so I wouldn't have to go back and face them again the next day? After I almost had to fucking go on medication because I couldn't deal with the way they treated me?
I almost laughed at him.
Fuck him.
I am better than that.
Out of sight, out of mind is a wonderful solution to all of my problems. Too bad it's not an option.
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[24 Jan 2004|10:58am] |
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You know what? Maybe this isn't normal.
Maybe I should go on anti-depressants.
I mean they can't make things worse. I'm still not sure if I am really a candidate but maybe they will help me.
I guess I'll tell my mom. But I kind of just want to get the medication.. I don't want to talk to a shrink. Maybe my dad can just prescribe them for me without actually taking me to someone.
Hm..
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