| I'd like to fall asleep to the sound of you breathing |
[18 Jan 2004|11:53pm] |
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mood |
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lost |
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music |
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silence |
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Disclaimer: This entry is ridiculous. It's incoherent writing, just a bunch of incomplete thoughts.
I'm so afraid that he's going to back off.
I'm so afraid that he's going to realize that those moments that we're sitting in his car and I go silent are caused by the fact that I am completely head over heels for him. Those moments are just me coming up for air from the battle of head vs. heart that I drown myself in.
And I can't fucking control them.
I am so afraid that he's going to shut me out because he feels sorry for me or feels awkward telling me things when he knows I'm in love with him.
I can't fuck this one up. I can't. I don't know what I will do with myself if I do.
But he's just... I don't fucking know.
And what's scary is, up until this point I was convinced that I had been in love with Ryan once upon a time. Like real love. I thought that was it. But over this weekend, I have come to realize that I feel for Ben about 100 times what I ever felt for Ryan. I remember when Ryan seemed so intelligent and so worldly to me, but now, in retrospect, he is just another stupid boy. Ben has so much more depth.
I didn't know people like him existed. I didn't know you could find someone so similar to you.
I don't know what to do with myself because I know I can't have him.
I'm so afraid that I am going to mess this up.
There was this one moment tonight when he was driving me back to my car, and he was talking about his jetski accident last year, and he knew that I was slipping. He looked at me and kind of smirked and asked me why I got so quiet, and I tried to play it off as nothing, but I knew that he knew exactly what I was thinking. And he kept on glancing at me asking me what was wrong, even though he totally knew. I couldn't even cover it up; it had taken over so much of me. He sees right through me. And that's bad. It's those kind of moments, that we mutually sense "it," that will do it.
I'm hanging on to what we have now, because it's keeping me going.
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