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[01 Apr 2004|09:22am] |
everything is fucking terrible right now why is it that every boy i ever give my heart to has to break it i can't remember the last time things have been this bad it hurts to fucking breathe i hate love i hate love i hate love
never again.
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[29 Mar 2004|09:12pm] |
Today, while lamenting to Lindsey about my love for Ben, she asked me what was wrong with what I have now. And it made me think. Because what is exactly wrong with being his best friend? After all, being that I am a living, breathing female, that is clearly the most important part of the relationship. The sexual relations that come along with having a boyfriend should be superfluous; right now what we have is what everybody wishes to have with someone.
And honestly, it's never felt more perfect. I can't even describe how comfortable our friendship is; when I try to put it into words I'm speechless. I have never, ever felt like this towards anyone. I thought I had been in love... but this is better than what I thought was love. There's just never a dull moment; there's never nothing to talk about. I feel like he is a part of me. As trite as this all sounds, when I'm with him there is nowhere else I would rather be.
So I have the most important part. I have the nightly phone calls, I have the shoulder to cry on, I have the ever-growing list of inside jokes. Why is it that I'm not satisfied?
Why is it that the feeling you get right before you kiss someone for the first time has become second-nature to me? I don't even feel it anymore, I know it's there.
Why is it that it takes every ounce of self-restraint in me to keep from kissing him? WHY IS THAT? Why has he turned me into a hormonal prepubescent boy?
Here's your classic movie moment. Here's me, looking into his big blue eyes and knowing this is it, and here's me not making a move because I know I can't.
Here's me, completely head over heels. Where is he?
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[29 Mar 2004|08:24pm] |
Today, while lamenting to Lindsey about my love for Ben, she asked me what was wrong with what I have now. And it made me think. Because what is exactly wrong with being his best friend? After all, being that I am a living, breathing female, that is clearly the most important part of the relationship. The sexual relations that come along with having a boyfriend should be superfluous; right now what we have is what everybody wishes to have with someone.
And honestly, it's never felt more perfect. I can't even describe how comfortable our friendship is; when I try to put it into words I'm speechless. I have never, ever felt like this towards anyone. I thought I had been in love... but this is better than what I thought was love. There's just never a dull moment; there's never nothing to talk about. I feel like he is a part of me. As trite as this all sounds, when I'm with him there is nowhere else I would rather be.
So I have the most important part. I have the nightly phonecalls, I have the shoulder to cry on, I have the ever-growing list of inside jokes. Why is it that I'm not satisfied?
Why is it that the feeling you get right before you kiss someone for the first time has become second-nature to me? I don't even feel it anymore, I know it's there.
Why is it that it takes every ounce of self-restraint in me to keep from kissing him? WHY IS THAT? Why has he turned me into a hormonal prepubescent boy?
Here's your classic movie moment. Here's me, looking into his big blue eyes and knowing this is it, and here's me not making a move because I know I can't.
Here's me, completely head over heels. Where is he?
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[19 Mar 2004|08:09pm] |
I miss Ben so much right now.
I need to hear his voice, feel him somehow. Tuesday feels like forever...
xxx
Alex
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[09 Mar 2004|10:49am] |
Good night last night.
Ben, Jessica and Amanda came over and I was really excited because I love all of them so much.
We chilled for a little while and then Ben decided he wanted ice cream so we went to Coldstone which is like the reason I exist. Amanda and I fell in love with one of the guys who works there. When Ben was paying for his ice cream AND his milkshake (where the fuck does he put it?) I asked the guy who was ringing him up how he felt about having to sing every time someone gave them a tip and he sort of looked at me funny and said that it's just become second nature to him and he doesn't really pay attention to it anymore. Interesting.
On the way back to my house Ben sent me a text message that said "I don't think I want guys anymore." I don't know what that means but okay. I asked him if it was Jessica or Amanda who changed his mind or something but he said it wasn't.. so it was really random but we didn't really talk about it because Jessica and Amanda were like in the car with us.
Anyway, so we came back to my house and Siobhan came over and we all watched The Life of David Gale which was excellent, even though I fell asleep and missed the end which supposedly makes the entire movie. So. I will be renting that one.
Ben had to leave in the middle of the movie because his mom wanted him home by 11:45 since he's leaving today. So I walked him out and it was sad because that was the last time we will see eachother for almost 3 weeks. :( We can still talk on the phone and stuff until Saturday though so I guess it's all good. He's going to Atlanta and North Carolina with his stepdad to look at Emory and Duke and then on Saturday he leaves for Puerto Rico for 10 days for interims.... so we are kind of freaking out because we won't have any means of communication during that time. LOL. But last night when we were saying goodbye he told me he is going to write me letters every day while he is gone and then he's going to give them to me when he comes back and he wants me to do the same. So it's kind of like Heather and Zach this summer except Ben and I are doing it because we have no way of talking, Heather and Zach were on the phone every 2 seconds and wrote letters in addition because they are freaks.
Anyway, so the letter thing made me happy and it will give me something to do when I'm sitting in interims bored off of my ass because my school is ridiculous. Stupid interims. Soo pointless...
Anyway, so I had fun last night nonetheless, and I am really excited because I leave for DC tomorrow yay! And I am really sick of typing so I'm gonna go now.
Love you all. <3 <3 <3
xxx
Alex
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[08 Mar 2004|11:47am] |
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I can still smell his cologne on my skin and I can't bring myself to wash it off.
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| the postal service = amazing |
[06 Mar 2004|07:08pm] |
it was familiar to me
the smoke too thick to breathe
the tile floors glistened
i slowly stirred my drink
and when you started to sing
you spoke with broken speech
that i could not understand
and then you grabbed me tightly
i wont let go
i wont let go
even if you say so
oh no
i've tried and tried with no results
i wont let go
i wont let go
he then played every song from 1993
the crowd applauded as he curtsied bashfully
your eyelashes tickled my neck
with every nervous blink
and it was perfect
until the telephone started
ringing ringing ringing ringing off
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[04 Mar 2004|07:50pm] |
I think my opinion of John has changed a little bit... and I don't feel like I overreacted over Ben's news from last week anymore.
We were in calc today and John was fooling around on his cell phone, obviously text messaging people. In the middle of class he got really upset about something... like he got really quiet and he had this blank look on his face, but when I asked him what was wrong and he said he was fine.
Near the end of the period he put his head down on the desk and I figured he was just going to sleep, because... well, John goes to sleep in calculus every day. But then when the period ended he didn't pick his head up... he was just sort of rubbing his eyes and when Erin and I asked if he was okay he didn't answer.
Finally when he picked his head up, his face and eyes were red, and clearly he was crying, and I was shocked because I had never seen him cry before... actually I had never really seen him show any emotion like that before... and it was really sudden and random.
So we started walking to lunch and I felt really bad, I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he kind of kept walking, and then when we passed the bathroom he went in to wash his face, and he handed me his phone to show me the text message from one of his good friends that said something along the lines of "my dad has cancer... don't tell anyone."
I felt horrible to hear that; even though I don't know his friend, it always stings when you hear something like that. I waited for John to come out of the bathroom and we went to lunch, and by the middle of the period he was back to his normal self.
As horrible as this sounds, I think a little more highly of him because of the way he reacted today. In the back of my mind I always saw him as a little bit heartless, the kid that you could never trust. And I still know that I can't trust him, but now I see that he really does care about people. Somewhat. But seeing him break down like that... it made the concept of "well maybe he does have a soul" a little bit more concrete.
I don't really know what the point of this entry is, other than to say that I now know that John actually does have the ability to feel something. He always seems to push everyone and everything away... he never shows any emotion at all... things just don't seem to bother him. He always seemed sort of invincible, if you will, to me but seeing him vulnerable the way he was today made me realize that everybody has their limit. No matter how on top of things you try to make yourself appear to be, everybody has a breaking point.
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[04 Mar 2004|10:35am] |
Something feels a little off-balance today. Yesterday too, actually. I don't know.
xxx
Alex
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[28 Feb 2004|12:25pm] |
I had an unusually social day yesterday. It was Ben's birthday, yay, so I gave him his gift, which consisted of Sex For Dummies, Secret Sex Coupons (just in case he ever feels the need to have me act out his most exotic sexual desire, now he has a coupon that insists I am obligated to do so), The Book Of Bunny Suicides, and a batch of the Greatest Chocolate Chip Cookies Ever.
He also received a pink and purple tricycle and a large piece of wood from Home Depot from Tomer, a bottle of Vagisil from Amanda, and lots of expensive designer things from his parents.
So anyway, we had a half day of school yesterday because of some teacher work day, so after school I went out to lunch with Siobhan, Nancy, Jackie, and Austin. I love the name Austin. Haha. He's actually a really nice kid. I had never hung out with him before and I used to think he was kind of annoying, but he was really chill yesterday. We went back to his house afterwards and played ping-pong (and Alex had her self esteem crushed as a result of her inability to hit the ball... ever) and watched movies. They were going to smoke pot and I was gonna watch but then they didn't because Jackie and Nancy both had to drive.
Last night I left my house again (gasp) because John called me and told me he and Hans (John's very hot swimmer friend from last time) were gonna go to Mizner to hang out, and they wanted me to come. I wasn't going to but after feeling uplifted by my earlier social experiences, I got dressed and put makeup on and headed out east. I went mostly because Hans was going to be there, and John told me he was interested in me, so I was like "eh maybe I'll get some out of this."
So I was on my way down there when John called and said there was nothing going on at Mizner and to just come to his house instead, and while I was on my way they were going to quickly make an appearance at some party on the beach. I ended up going to Ben's house first anyway because I figured they would be a little while, and Ben lives down the street from John.
John and Hans called me like 15 minutes later to say that they were home and to come over but I kind of didn't want to leave because I wanted to stay with Ben... and being the loser that I am, I was more interested in talking to Ben than hooking up with Hans.
Ben was talking to his latest love-interest on the computer, trying to convince him to come out east and hang out with us, but he was shy and said he was nervous (aww). I kept on trying to get Ben to come over to John's with me but I was unable to surgically remove Ben from his computer, and when I tried to leave by myself he threw me into a plant. Ah, what a loving relationship we have.
So, after 2 more phone calls from John and Hans I finally got Ben to go over there with me, and we get there and Hans is playing pool without a shirt on and his amazing body is like BAM IN YOUR FACE. Ben and I were both like shitting on ourselves because he was so hot.
Unfortunately though, Hans had to leave after like 20 minutes because he had to be home by 12:30, so nothing happened with that, and after he left John was like yeah you definitely should have come over earlier because he was really lonely tonight and he really wanted to make out with you and I was like fucking shit. Ah whatever. I had fun being thrown into plants with Ben. Yeah, I will just keep telling myself that that was more fun than making out with a swimmer with a perfect body. Mehhhhh.
So anyway, Ben and I stayed at John's for like another hour... we vegetated on his bed listening to Postal Service and Keller Williams and Phish and put our hands in inappropriate places. Hahaha not really though, it definitely was not as intimate as the last time with John and Hans and I, after they had kava.
We left at like 1, and I took Ben back to his house, and then I went home and dreamed about all of the hot guys I hung out with that night. Haha just kidding, none of them were in my dream. It would have been nice if they were though.
So yeah, I don't know why I typed out the entire sequence of events of my day/night yesterday; I just started typing and next thing I knew I was doing it. Mad props to you if you have put up with my pointless banter for this long and are still reading. Anyway, I'm off to go do something else now. <3 <3 <3
xxx
Alex
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| This is my new hideously ugly layout that I will redo ASAP. |
[24 Feb 2004|04:34pm] |
I am going to ask that the next time I complain about anything in my life, someone please take the liberty of smacking me across the face.
I don't know where to begin. I don't know how to take all of these broken pieces and put them back together again.
I've spent so much time searching for something constant, when in reality it's been presented to me nicely on a silver platter for my entire life. I guess this is a normal reaction for me, someone who has been so blessed, to not be able to comprehend what it's like to not have that constant variable.
There are people out there that have to confront pain so extreme that it is unfathomable to me. And I try not to ask too many questions, I try to be as understanding and comforting as I can possibly be, but I don't know how he's feeling; I can never relate.
"How it was. How it was that the earth could open up under you and swallow you whole, close above you as if you never were. Like Persephone snatched by the god. The ground opened up and out he came, sweeping her into the black chariot. Then down they plunged, under the ground, into the darkness, and the earth closed over her head, and she was gone, as if she had never been."
--Janet Fitch, White Oleander
When the clock strikes 11:11 tonight, I will make a wish for a particular person who is not as fortunate as I am.
xxx
Alex
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[23 Feb 2004|05:25pm] |
So I've come crawling back to my Blurty for some healthy incoherent rambling that I no longer see fit for my Livejournal. Meh.
I don't like this layout anymore and I think I'm going to do something else. This is way too depressing for me. I mean it's pretty but I need something BRIGHT and HAPPY to go with my new anti-depressant personality. WOO. Maybe I'll give this one to Stacy. I know she liked it.
So anyway, I was experiencing all of these heightened emotions yesterday after the Sex and the City finale, which was absolutely fantastic, brilliant, incredible, could-not-possibly-have-been-any-better, when Ben sent me an IM that said something along the lines of "tell me when you're ready to not be happy anymore because i have something really sad to tell you."
I literally felt my heart sink down to a remote place of my body, and when he told me his "news" I broke down and started crying and my hands were shaking and I thought I was going to throw up.
I probably overreacted, but it was all just so sudden, and I didn't know how serious it was, and I didn't know anything about the circumstances that caused it, and I didn't know what effect it was going to have on him. And I just got ridiculously scared and upset and I tried to relate it to myself but I couldn't because this was something you only heard about from other people, not something that happens to someone you know and love.
It was a good thing he told me online rather than on the phone, because the last thing he needed was to deal with me freaking out; he confided in me because he needed someone to help him through it, and if he knew how I reacted it would have scared the crap out of him. It should have been me telling him that everything was going to be okay, not vice-versa, but I of course have to be the over-emotional teenage girl.
Fortunately, when I saw him in school this morning he said it was all cleared up and everything was okay. But can we just talk about how I think I was more upset than he was? I mean I guess I can't really say, because we hadn't talked on the phone last night, and I definitely seemed a lot more put together on AOL than I actually was; I guess he technically could have been crying and freaking out like I was.
But anyway, I am relieved that everything is okay now, and kind of shocked that I lost my composure so easily, and hopeful that this "okay" is a permanent okay for his family.
Also, now that I have rambled on for a very long time, and the people reading this clearly have no idea what I am talking about, I would just like to announce that the Postal Service CD is a masterpiece. And the new Incubus CD is horrendous, PLEASE DO NOT BUY IT.
And... that is all.
xxx
Alex
P.S, Added after the 2475687978th time I've tried to post this, and restarting my computer: I am highly considering moving this over to a Livejournal, because Blurty is a piece of shit and their server is so fucking slow.
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[18 Feb 2004|07:51pm] |
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He was wearing my sweatshirt today and now it smells like his cologne and that makes me happy.
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[31 Jan 2004|11:36am] |
I would just like to announce that I love everybody who is a part of my life at this moment.
I just do. You are all amazing.
I don't know where this came from. But I just want you all to know, even though there are only like 3 people that actually read this, that I appreciate everything and I love you more than words could ever express.
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[24 Jan 2004|10:58am] |
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You know what? Maybe this isn't normal.
Maybe I should go on anti-depressants.
I mean they can't make things worse. I'm still not sure if I am really a candidate but maybe they will help me.
I guess I'll tell my mom. But I kind of just want to get the medication.. I don't want to talk to a shrink. Maybe my dad can just prescribe them for me without actually taking me to someone.
Hm..
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| And all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight |
[24 Jan 2004|01:49am] |
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I spent the entire night thinking about him.
And all he can do is speak to me about V.
I don't want to be the best friend anymore. I want to be the one he thinks about when he watches movies like Along Came Polly and Say Anything. Because he's the one I think about.
This is without a doubt the worst feeling ever. I don't know if I can deal. Maybe I should just end it now. Before I get any more wrapped up in it.
I spend the entire night waiting for him to call. Even though I know that he's going to call, even though when he does call I know in the back of my mind that it's not because he wants to talk to me, but because he needs to talk to someone.
I can't decide whether I feel used or not. I think I do a little bit, but something makes me feel like he is genuine.
Why do I continue to lead myself on? Why does he think it's okay to talk to me about V when he clearly knows that I am in love with him? Because that's what our friendship is based on, the fact that he can talk to me. And I can talk to him too. And I like that. And I need that. But the thing that is on my mind the most, the one thing that I really do need to talk about is the one thing I cannot say.
And honestly, things were a lot worse before this whole thing began. School is better for me now. I used to think that I wouldn't make it through the day; I used to go from class to class virtually on the verge of tears. I feel like I have a place and a purpose in being his friend; I have something solid that has yet to betray me.
Speaking of betrayal, I saw Adam walking to his car today, and for the first time since Lincoln was assassinated, he acknowledged my presence, waving his arms in the air and yelling my name. I looked him in the eye, gave him the most obviously fake smile that my muscles could produce and kept walking. Then he had the nerve to smile back and say "What? I don't even get a wave?" and I kept my eye contact with him and continued on my way.
Is he serious?
People are ridiculous. He is such a pompous asshole... does he really think that I would welcome him with open arms after he and his little posse completely ruined my life last year? After I came home from school and wished that I would die so I wouldn't have to go back and face them again the next day? After I almost had to fucking go on medication because I couldn't deal with the way they treated me?
I almost laughed at him.
Fuck him.
I am better than that.
Out of sight, out of mind is a wonderful solution to all of my problems. Too bad it's not an option.
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| This is wonderful as loving goes |
[23 Jan 2004|04:57pm] |
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Dashboard Confessional - Am I Missing |
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So after school today I had to go get my calculator back from Ben, who was in his Spanish classroom working on an assignment. We were speaking for a few minutes when his teacher smiled at me and asked, "tu eres su novia?" (just in case: are you his girlfriend?) and I immediately was like nnnoooo. And he goes, "Ella es una amiga." And in my head I was like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
To anyone in the world who is interested in becoming the sixth, seventh, eighth or fifty-millionth person to ask Ben or I this question this week (although this is clearly the wrong place to be offering this position, considering there are 4 people that read this): BITE ME.
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| You look better when out of sight |
[22 Jan 2004|07:45pm] |
C is 4 Kookie (6:33:57 PM): no you cannot do that. okay alex he is so fresh out of the closet that the door is still closing behind him. like, its natural for him to WANT TO and NEED TO find someone, a man, to prove to himself that he actually IS bisexual. but you need to be in the presence of an individual to find attraction to them. you cant do it on the phone or online. you have to be around a person. and be with them. and their mannarisms and the way the look at a certain angle and the way they smile when you say certain words...you dont get that w/ a virtual relationship
I love you Jess. <3 <3
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| I'd like to fall asleep to the sound of you breathing |
[18 Jan 2004|11:53pm] |
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Disclaimer: This entry is ridiculous. It's incoherent writing, just a bunch of incomplete thoughts.
I'm so afraid that he's going to back off.
I'm so afraid that he's going to realize that those moments that we're sitting in his car and I go silent are caused by the fact that I am completely head over heels for him. Those moments are just me coming up for air from the battle of head vs. heart that I drown myself in.
And I can't fucking control them.
I am so afraid that he's going to shut me out because he feels sorry for me or feels awkward telling me things when he knows I'm in love with him.
I can't fuck this one up. I can't. I don't know what I will do with myself if I do.
But he's just... I don't fucking know.
And what's scary is, up until this point I was convinced that I had been in love with Ryan once upon a time. Like real love. I thought that was it. But over this weekend, I have come to realize that I feel for Ben about 100 times what I ever felt for Ryan. I remember when Ryan seemed so intelligent and so worldly to me, but now, in retrospect, he is just another stupid boy. Ben has so much more depth.
I didn't know people like him existed. I didn't know you could find someone so similar to you.
I don't know what to do with myself because I know I can't have him.
I'm so afraid that I am going to mess this up.
There was this one moment tonight when he was driving me back to my car, and he was talking about his jetski accident last year, and he knew that I was slipping. He looked at me and kind of smirked and asked me why I got so quiet, and I tried to play it off as nothing, but I knew that he knew exactly what I was thinking. And he kept on glancing at me asking me what was wrong, even though he totally knew. I couldn't even cover it up; it had taken over so much of me. He sees right through me. And that's bad. It's those kind of moments, that we mutually sense "it," that will do it.
I'm hanging on to what we have now, because it's keeping me going.
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| You used to say that you would come around but you're never here |
[16 Jan 2004|10:15pm] |
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Dispatch - Bullet Holes |
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I love it when he calls me right after he has just woken up.
His voice is all... okay I'm sorry for this post, I am grossing myself out. My bad.
Good mood. ;) This certainly is an odd Friday night for me. The only thing that would make tonight any more out of the ordinary would be me actually leaving the premesis of my house. Um no, definitely not happening.
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