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[09 Jul 2004|05:43pm] [ music | taking back sunday - there's no "i" in team ] Well I can't regret, can't you just forget it I started something I couldn't finish And if we go down, we go down together best friends means, well best friends means And I've got a twenty-dollar bill that says you're up late night starting fist fights versus fences in your backyard Wearing your black eye like a badge of honor Soaking in sympathy from friends who never loved you nearly half as much as me Broken down in bars and bathrooms All I did was what I had to Don't believe me when I tell you it's just what anyone would do Take the time to talk about it Think a lot and live without it Don't believe me when I tell you it's something unforgivable Well I can't regret, can't you just forget it I started something I couldn't finish If we go down, we go down together best friends means, well best friends means You never knew well i never told you... Everything I know about breaking hearts I learned from you, it's true I've never done it with the style and grace you have But I've made long term plans based on these mistakes Broken down in bars and bathrooms All I did was what I had to Don't believe me when I tell you it's just what anyone would do Take the time to talk about it Think a lot and live without it Don't believe me when I tell you it's something unforgivable Is this what you call tact I swear you're as subtle as a brick in the small of my back so let's end this call, and end this conversation there's nothing worse... I swear, you have no idea The jealousy that became me thinking that you always had it way too easy Broken down in bars and bathrooms All I did was what I had to Don't believe me when I tell you it's just what anyone would do Take the time to talk about it Think a lot and live without it Don't believe me when I tell you it's something unforgivable Best friends means I pulled the trigger Best friends means you get what you deserve Best friends means I pulled the trigger Best friends means you get what you deserve Best friends means I pulled the trigger Best friends means you get what you deserve Best friends means I pulled the trigger Best friends means you get what you deserve Best friends means I pulled the trigger Best friends means you get what you deserve !?@#%

[30 Jun 2004|01:49pm] So first, Ryan and I kiss. Then the next night, The Get Up Kids play "I'll Catch You." And now, an e-mail from Lauren? Talk about coincidence... !?@#%

For Jess and Sam <3 <3 I'm thinking HOVA. [26 May 2004|10:32pm] gALEXy829 (9:29:51 PM): hey, this is alex, fl0werchyld on livejournal (this is the way losers introduce themselves) Luakabopp (9:30:05 PM): ohhhhh(got it ;D) lol Luakabopp (9:30:09 PM): whats up! gALEXy829 (9:30:23 PM): not much, how are you? Luakabopp (9:30:26 PM): i love how the ALEX is emphasized in zee name Luakabopp (9:30:34 PM): pretty good, a little sleepy gALEXy829 (9:31:46 PM): i had to do that, lol, people still don't get it. Luakabopp (9:32:28 PM): "hey yew dnt know how to spel galaxy rite" gALEXy829 (9:33:32 PM): it's usually more of the whole not realizing galaxy is spelled wrong in my screenname... so entirely missing the point. gALEXy829 (9:33:59 PM): i had to give my email address to my english teacher the other day, and i went on for like an hour to make sure she knew i could spell Luakabopp (9:34:13 PM): ahhh Luakabopp (9:34:22 PM): thats why i give teachers my non AOL address Luakabopp (9:34:31 PM): first initial, last name, DONE. gALEXy829 (9:36:01 PM): my gw e-mail address is my initials and my birthday. i felt really uncreative but i just told myself i'd make up for it elsewhere. Luakabopp (9:36:32 PM): lol, thats fine Luakabopp (9:36:42 PM): at least its not like SEXGODDESS6969@gwu.edu gALEXy829 (9:38:03 PM): hahaha... yeah they give you a warning when you're making your email address that it may be cool to have a "funny" or "cute" e-mail address now, "but would you really want to put it on a resume?" and i was like ah stop it i'll conform!! Luakabopp (9:39:09 PM): lolol Luakabopp (9:39:12 PM): IF I MUST Luakabopp (9:39:42 PM): how horrible is this GW community on LJ, i joined it and unjoined, everyone hates teh bloody school. gALEXy829 (9:39:57 PM): i know! it's so sad! Luakabopp (9:40:07 PM): i mean it might be good for you guys cause there is a whole like 2008 pride thing. gALEXy829 (9:40:19 PM): yeah, we're all so excited haha Luakabopp (9:40:25 PM): "This is the community for the poor souls who attend or are apart of The George Washington University. We're here to comment, compliment, protest, and complain about our community in good ol' Foggy Bottom. " gALEXy829 (9:40:25 PM): do you all really not like it? gALEXy829 (9:40:33 PM): hahahaha Luakabopp (9:40:53 PM): honestly....my freshman year...i didnt like it Luakabopp (9:40:58 PM): it was hard for me to adjust. Luakabopp (9:41:16 PM): DC is kind of impersonal, yknow? and i just had a bunch of trying situations Luakabopp (9:42:03 PM): cause i have a group of girlfriends at home and i came to DC looking to find suitable replacements while i was away...and i hung out with these girls, but we never really clicked, and it took me the entire year to realize..wait..maybe i dont need to have this kind of relationship here. Luakabopp (9:42:12 PM): but i lurrrved sophomore year :) Luakabopp signed off at 9:42:21 PM. Luakabopp signed on at 9:42:22 PM. gALEXy829 (9:43:07 PM): i understand that. i actually know about 8 people that i like who are coming to gw next year. so i already know a bunch of cool people that i trust, and i'm sure i'll meet others. Luakabopp (9:43:10 PM): but i know a lot of people who love freshman year, im just being honest. its a big adjustment, and plus im super emotional Luakabopp (9:43:19 PM): oh great! Luakabopp (9:43:23 PM): wow so many! Luakabopp (9:43:26 PM): that will really help you Luakabopp (9:43:42 PM): because u will all meet people and be able to come together as one big pack gALEXy829 (9:44:20 PM): i know right? there are 5 people from my school going Luakabopp (9:44:40 PM): its good you got in, the ratings of the school are going up quickly Luakabopp (9:44:46 PM): i think its becoming pretty difficult gALEXy829 (9:46:15 PM): is it really? (sorry, getting sidetracked, my mom is flipping out because she just realized she has a buddy icon and a background on her ims) Luakabopp (9:46:39 PM): oh nooo Luakabopp (9:46:41 PM): moms. Luakabopp (9:46:45 PM): yeah i believe it is gALEXy829 (9:48:23 PM): i know two people who applied and didn't get in. Luakabopp (9:48:38 PM): yeah Luakabopp (9:48:46 PM): college acceptance is TOTALLY random. gALEXy829 (9:49:08 PM): it really is. and it's getting harder and harder to get in everywhere. Luakabopp (9:50:06 PM): glad im so done. Luakabopp (9:50:14 PM): so tell me about your hova thurston dilemma Luakabopp (9:50:21 PM): or is that it Luakabopp (9:50:21 PM): lol gALEXy829 (9:51:42 PM): okay. you lived in hova right? Luakabopp (9:52:11 PM): yes ma'am gALEXy829 (9:53:03 PM): and you liked it? like if you could do it again, would you pick hova or thurston? Luakabopp (9:53:13 PM): HOVA Luakabopp (9:53:17 PM): hands down. Luakabopp (9:53:21 PM): my god. gALEXy829 (9:53:32 PM): i know thurston is like, an std party.. Luakabopp (9:53:35 PM): and people in thurston even wish they were in hova some of them. Luakabopp (9:53:43 PM): you'll stay in thurston at CI... Luakabopp (9:53:49 PM): its just a bundle of not fun. Luakabopp (9:53:57 PM): i know so many people who moved from there to hova Luakabopp (9:54:10 PM): its like a big party, in a bad way. gALEXy829 (9:54:12 PM): i've actually seen it, i had a friend who lived in thurston this year and she showed me around one night Luakabopp (9:54:16 PM): hova was a big party in a good way gALEXy829 (9:54:24 PM): yeah. the rooms in hova are much nicer too? Luakabopp (9:54:35 PM): Yeah Luakabopp (9:54:44 PM): it just feels more welcoming... gALEXy829 (9:54:51 PM): but it's so far Luakabopp (9:55:02 PM): its right across fromm the watergate with a CVS, and safeway, and near the gym Luakabopp (9:55:11 PM): no it really isnt that far Luakabopp (9:55:20 PM): i never was like "ugh i hate walkinghere" Luakabopp (9:55:29 PM): if anything i did that this year whenever i bought groceries Luakabopp (9:55:46 PM): and SO much closer to the movie theater Luakabopp (9:55:50 PM): that too, and georgetown gALEXy829 (9:56:00 PM): where did you live this year, just out of curiosity? Luakabopp (9:56:26 PM): FSK Luakabopp (9:56:28 PM): loved it. Luakabopp (9:56:34 PM): would choose it over New Hall Luakabopp (9:56:42 PM): and go figure it was my last choice gALEXy829 (9:58:06 PM): most of the people i've met on livejournal who i've liked are picking hova, and i'm afraid i wont like the people in thurston Luakabopp (9:58:26 PM): are you definitely living in thurston? gALEXy829 (9:58:56 PM): nope, we're allowed to change our housing thing as often as we like until july something Luakabopp (9:59:06 PM): switch to hova if you can Luakabopp (9:59:16 PM): thurston reminds me of long island.. Luakabopp (9:59:30 PM): juicy jump suits...flat ironed hair...homogeneity. Luakabopp (9:59:47 PM): and 6 bitchy girls living in a room together Luakabopp (9:59:55 PM): and no carpeting for heavens sakes! gALEXy829 (9:59:56 PM): i got that picture when i visited. i like unique people better. gALEXy829 (9:59:57 PM): haha gALEXy829 (9:59:59 PM): yeah Luakabopp (10:00:09 PM): yeah hova was awesome. Luakabopp (10:00:21 PM): when i applied..i was really torn. Luakabopp (10:00:30 PM): i was like..Thurston:Party Time! Hova: Dorks. Luakabopp (10:00:38 PM): and i love to party.. Luakabopp (10:00:50 PM): and i was like..ugh i dont want to be in hova out of the loop Luakabopp (10:00:59 PM): and have it be quiet and boring Luakabopp (10:01:07 PM): but honestly...HOVA is a community Luakabopp (10:01:11 PM): everyone knows everyone.. Luakabopp (10:01:22 PM): you'll know who Tom is from the 4th floor and Cindy from the 7th Luakabopp (10:01:36 PM): in thurston, people dont even know their neighbors gALEXy829 (10:01:52 PM): that's nice. and i am a dork, so i should probably live in the dork dorm. gALEXy829 (10:01:53 PM): lol. gALEXy829 (10:02:25 PM): were you able to get work done in your room in hova? or did you have to go to the library all the time anyway Luakabopp (10:02:40 PM): library isnt my flavor.. Luakabopp (10:02:48 PM): but during finals it was my sanctuary Luakabopp (10:02:56 PM): you can definitely study easily there Luakabopp (10:03:00 PM): but i always studied in my room Luakabopp (10:03:06 PM): with my 'phones on gALEXy829 (10:03:17 PM): that's kind of what i want.. i think i'm too ADD to work in a library.. too many other people around. Luakabopp (10:03:18 PM): but there is a study lounge i sometimes used onthe mezanine Luakabopp (10:03:25 PM): yeah i people watch Luakabopp (10:03:36 PM): but there are parts of the library wher eu have your own cubicle Luakabopp (10:03:46 PM): and it gets you in that intense study mode gALEXy829 (10:04:01 PM): right.. Luakabopp (10:04:18 PM): didnt go once freshman year... Luakabopp (10:04:21 PM): i dont think lol Luakabopp (10:05:04 PM): what CI are you going to? gALEXy829 (10:05:07 PM): i mean generally i think i'm a hova person, but i know that its really far from classes, and 2 of my close friends are adament about thurston.. gALEXy829 (10:05:08 PM): #2 Luakabopp (10:05:17 PM): dates? Luakabopp (10:05:23 PM): i went to 2 :) Luakabopp (10:05:32 PM): you really need to do what you think is best gALEXy829 (10:05:44 PM): aw! june 20-22 Luakabopp (10:05:50 PM): take it from someone who has been there, thurston-ick. Luakabopp (10:06:00 PM): and i mean if you really want to party it up there you can walk the 10 minutes. Luakabopp (10:06:06 PM): but i never really had fun there.. Luakabopp (10:06:28 PM): it honestly is like a different breed of people gALEXy829 (10:06:41 PM): right. i mean i know i'll meet people regardless, it's just kind of a comfort factor, having my friends in the same dorm as me. my roommate though is like me, she's not sure whether she wants hova or thurston Luakabopp (10:07:14 PM): you'll meet more acquaintances in thurston, more friends in hova Luakabopp (10:07:21 PM): i found. Luakabopp (10:07:36 PM): my cell phone is full of thurston acquaintances Luakabopp (10:07:43 PM): all my close friends are from HOVA Luakabopp (10:08:08 PM): my old neighbor is my best friend, he is awesome gALEXy829 (10:10:33 PM): so i'm thinking hova now. gALEXy829 (10:10:34 PM): lol Luakabopp (10:11:29 PM): honestly, i really am so gung-ho about that Luakabopp (10:11:54 PM): it was so much fun Luakabopp (10:12:10 PM): and for the first few weeks my floor and i went out together everywhere Luakabopp (10:12:18 PM): and to this day i could still call any one of them up gALEXy829 (10:12:25 PM): aww gALEXy829 (10:12:30 PM): that's so cute. Luakabopp (10:12:39 PM): yeah it was really nice Luakabopp (10:12:45 PM): for someone who was so nervous about school Luakabopp (10:12:51 PM): to not be alone gALEXy829 (10:17:14 PM): also in thurston you don't get much privacy because most of the rooms are like, quads or bigger gALEXy829 (10:17:23 PM): the whole one-roommate thing is nice Luakabopp (10:17:36 PM): no privacy Luakabopp (10:17:41 PM): and if you get sexiled you're fucked. gALEXy829 (10:18:20 PM): haha yeah, i was worried about that actually, like what if one person sexiles her 85 roommates Luakabopp (10:20:37 PM): yeah.. Luakabopp (10:20:43 PM): either that or earplugs..ick. Luakabopp (10:20:51 PM): i was the one doing the sexiling :X Luakabopp (10:20:57 PM): or not even bothering to Luakabopp (10:21:01 PM): im an awful roomie Luakabopp (10:21:02 PM): lol gALEXy829 (10:24:43 PM): haha.. alright, well i'm gonna get going, thanks so much, this has helped so much Luakabopp (10:25:08 PM): noooo problem, have a good nite :) gALEXy829 (10:25:18 PM): thanks, you too! !?@#%

[18 May 2004|04:17pm] I've decided that I am going to tell Graham how I feel about him before the end of this week, basically, because I have three days left of school and nothing to lose. But my pride. But pride is overrated anyway. I've also decided that I'm going to make all of this shit friends only from now on, because you never know in life. Sam, if you want in on my freaky obsessive tendencies, make an account. ;) 2 ♥ !?@#%

[17 May 2004|08:44pm] haha wait... so i got second place in broward county for entertainment writing. 2nd out of 70-ish... haha... um okay. !?@#%

[16 May 2004|09:50pm] So Evanescence is playing... Everybody in my limo is gathered by the door, ready to go. And I'm walking around the outskirts of the dance floor looking for Ben so I can say goodbye. He's nowhere to be found. I see Graham by himself. He sees me. I pretend not to see him. I look the other way. Out of the corner of my eye I see him coming over. I turn toward the door and start walking away. And then I hear his voice, right behind me, confident, sweet, "Alex." And I turn around (hello Matt Damon), and he asks me to dance. And I say, "I think I'm leaving." And he smiles and makes some sort of sarcastic comment, but I can't hear it because my heart is beating too loudly, screaming at me for being so stupid. And we stand there for a little while, talking, and I turn to look at my date, my friends, standing by the door, just messing around, not even paying attention to where I am or what I'm doing. And I realize what a mistake I'd made and just as I'm about to say, "Actually, it doesn't seem like we're going anywhere, let's just dance" ... the song ends. Ifheonlyknew. !?@#%

[14 May 2004|06:34pm] Okay. So, I would like to announce that I am officially completely infatuated with Graham. I seriously cannot stop thinking about him. I've known this kid for three years and never once have I felt anything physical towards him, and now, I have completely fallen for him. And he doesn't want me, I know he doesn't want me, and I don't care. The thing is though, if it weren't for the fact that he flatout told Allison that he doesn't think of me that way, I would probably think that he was interested. Because he's so friendly. Although I guess he's kind of just like that with everyone. When I was walking to Spanish today I passed by him walking in the other direction. And he winked at me. And I think I almost passed out. I floated into Spanish today. I was glowing because he WINKED at me. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME GRAHAM I WOULD LIKE TO RAPE YOU, YOU BRILLIANTLY ARTICULATE INNOCENT BOY-BAND LOOK-ALIKE PRETTY BOY. Ha. That last sentence felt good. My mother was reading our school newspaper and she saw a picture of him, and she was like, "your friend Graham is very good-looking" and I was like "yeah" and inside my head I was like "HELL YES HE IS GOOD-LOOKING, HE'S NOT JEWISH AND HE'S A FUCKING MODEL." In journalism the flirting is seriously getting out of hand; we were trying to have an editor's meeting the other day and Allison threatened to "separate us unless we shut up," Matt told us to "get a room," and Kim told us to "just go to prom together." Graham why do you like Erin, Erin doesn't like you, you asked her to prom and she said no. GRAHAM PLEASE HOOK UP WITH ME (Lindsey, you probably think I am absolutely insane by this point; Jess, I'm not worried.) Matt keeps on making jokes to me about Graham... MATT HE'S YOUR FUCKING BEST FRIEND WHY CAN'T YOU CONVINCE HIM TO MARRY ME?! I wonder if Matt gives Graham shit about it too, and I wonder how Graham responds if he does. (This is by far my most embarassing post to date.) (However, it's posts like this that are the most therapeutic, so I'm just going to continue.) (Actually maybe I'm done. More later.) !?@#%

[12 May 2004|01:58pm] GUESS WHO GOT HER PERIOD THIS MORNING?!?!?!? Today = Wednesday Prom = Saturday TAMPONS ON PROM NIGHT HELL YEAH! My ovaries feel like they are going to explode. Other than that though, I'm in a pretty good mood. Things are pretty much back to normal with Ben. On Monday after school we went to Starbucks and reviewed for psych for a little while, just me and him. And stuff was comfortable and everything felt right. Then yesterday was my AP Psych exam. It was fun actually. LOL. It started at 12 so I went to lunch with Ben and Akiva and we messed around for a little while. Then we came back to school and waited outside the room for a few minutes and studied haha... people started showing up and we all got really hyper and pumped and stuff for no reason. Ms. Smith came by and gave us all "lucky pencils" with stickers on them... it was cute. Graham was talking to me before the exam so of course I was ecstatic from that, then we sat together during it, yay! CAN I JUST SAY: THE BACK OF HIS HEAD IS EXQUISITE. Seriously I want to hook up with him so fucking badlyyyyyyyyy Ben sat behind me and poked me multiple times during the exam, so I was concentrating really well with him behind me and Graham's beautiful back of his head in front of me. Ben and Amanda and I were so obnoxious when our proctor was reading us the directions, lol, but oh well, we were really hyper. So after the exam I went to Friday's with Ben, Amanda, and Nancy and then Benny and I went shopping! We bonded some more. (And by bonding I mean walking into Hugo Boss... Ben: "I have that, I have that, I have that...") Then I brought him into Victoria's Secret and he bought ice cream in the food court and paid with a credit card. After the mall he drove me back to school to pick up my car... it was nice, driving in Boca with the top down blasting Maroon 5 (at least it wasn't Madonna). So yeah, things are ok with us now, other than the fact that he sneezed on me two (2) times today. Bastard. I think I'm kind of excited about prom and that scares me. Amanda is going now because one of the guys in our limo didn't have a date, so he asked her. So actually I like everyone in our limo now, since the three people who I strongly dislike switched out of it. Hm. I think I'm finished now. Graham has no date for prom but he's going anyway since he's class president and he planned it. Maybe I will seduce him. AND MAYBE MY FUCKING OVARIES WILL LEAVE ME ALONE KTHX. 1 ♥ !?@#%

[06 May 2004|10:21pm] Everything's falling apart with us and it kills me that you don't care. i hate you so much for making me fall in love with you and just because i'm not in love with you anymore doesn't mean i don't love you Everything's slipping through my fingertips and it kills me that I can't stop it. i don't understand how you can go from finishing each other's sentences one week to not iming me the next why can't you feel that i'm feeling this why have you replaced me with sean why is it that i can't remember our last phone conversation why is it that it pissed me off when you spilled water down my shirt yesterday Things haven't been the same since that night and we both know it. ben where are we going what are we doing !?@#%

[04 May 2004|09:04pm] i miss being in love !?@#%

[27 Apr 2004|10:06pm] So... Graham called me to ask me a question about newspaper and I missed the call so he left a message... And I saved the message. Hi, I'm ridiculous, how are you? !?@#%

[26 Apr 2004|10:19pm] i just don't know what to do with all these feelings, because they've been growing and prospering for so long and suddenly they are cut off from their air supply, but they're still there, just not for him. not for anybody. i need to find someone incredible and worthy of these emotions to fall in love with because they show no intentions of going anywhere anytime soon. i just need i just need i just need you who? !?@#%

[26 Apr 2004|09:38pm] love, i get so lost sometimes days pass and this emptiness fills my heart when i want to run away i drive off in my car but whichever way I go i come back to the place you are all my instincts, they return and the grand façade, so soon will burn without a noise, without my pride i reach out from the inside in your eyes the light, the heat in your eyes i am complete in your eyes i see the doorway to a thousand churches in your eyes the resolution of all the fruitless searches in your eyes i see the light and the heat in your eyes oh, i want to be that complete i want to touch the light the heat i see in your eyes love, i don't like to see so much pain so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away i get so tired of working so hard for our survival i look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive and all my instincts, they return and the grand façade, so soon will burn without a noise, without my pride i reach out from the inside in your eyes the light, the heat in your eyes i am complete in your eyes i see the doorway to a thousand churches in your eyes the resolution of all the fruitless searches in your eyes i see the light and the heat in your eyes oh, i want to be that complete i want to touch the light, the heat i see in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes in your eyes !?@#%

[25 Apr 2004|11:14am] Jess fuck you come home right now. Kthx. Fine, if you're going to stay on spring break, at least get lots of ass to make up for my (unfortunate) forced celibacy. Love, Alex Also, remember to sign up for GW orientation so we make sure you get the same date as Sam and I. (Yes, I am like, your mother.) !?@#%

[21 Apr 2004|08:15pm] James asked me to prom. Aww :) !?@#%

[18 Apr 2004|04:55pm] I'm going to recap on this weekend for no reason. Friday night was a loser-ish night for me. I went out to dinner with my family (oh yeah, I am so hardcore) and then I came home and went online. Ahahaha. John called me at like 11 and we stayed on the phone for an hour, and we talked about really personal things. I don't know where that conversation came from but it was probably one of the most introspective conversations I've ever had with anyone. I've noticed a change in him since that aim conversation we had a few weeks ago. He's been a lot more caring and trustworthy. We even talked about that. I told him about how when we first started to become friends I trusted him a lot, but I lost a lot of respect for him when he repeated things that I told him to other people. But for some reason I feel like the person I am seeing now is who he really is. So yesterday I went over to his house and we had a really good time. We get along so ridiculously well. We watched Don't Be A Menace In South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood which I really liked. It made fun of like everything... my kind of movie. Then he decided he wanted to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre so we went to Blockbuster to pick it up and stopped at Starbucks because Starbucks is the coolest. I liked the movie... it was scary because it was based on a true story. Because I am a big fucking loser I went online this morning to see how much of the movie is real and I was disappointed (I guess?) to see that very little of it was. Meh. After that we went to Publix to buy dinner and break-and-bake cookie dough. When we got back to his house we baked the cookies... we took like, 5 and made them into one enormous cookie and because we are retarded, we didn't leave enough space around the big one, so it ended up melting into one of the normal sized cookies, so it became The Cancerous Cookie With An Attached Fetus Cookie. Then we had to go and pick up this eight year old kid that John's sister had to babysit and the kid was hilarious. The five of us (John, his sister, his sister's friend, the 8 year old, and myself) were driving back to John's house and the kid talked and talked and talked... he taught us about S-E-X which is apparently the same thing as when people M-A-K OUT. He also taught us about drugs, which are substances that "people take three times a day and then they die." So yeah. We had fun. I am going to take a few seconds to discuss my attraction to John so if you would like to not be nauseated, feel free to skip this part. 1. His body is SO FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY PERFECT AND NICE OH MY GOODNESS. se5s7,dir6g78ygncfhcfghfghjfcyu 2. He was so cute with the little kid... he was like picking him up and throwing him and stuff. They became best friends. Ahaha. 3. He gives good massages. 4. His body is flawless. (Just in case I've never mentioned that one.) Jesus did I seriously write all of that about John? Whoa... I could never hook up with him. 1 ♥ !?@#%

[14 Apr 2004|04:28pm] In my next life, I want to come back as someone vibrantly talented. In something. I don't care what. I'm just so fucking sick of being so ordinary. All I do is take up space in this world. There is nothing to me, nothing I will ever contribute. I will always be the one watching on the sidelines. Everyone I know has something extraordinarily special about them, something that they can do, something that they love. But me, I can't do anything, I'm not good at anything. I started playing the piano again when I was a freshman because I felt so worthless. I wanted to learn how to do something, find something that I love. But I don't love piano. I never have. Yeah, it's a nice feeling to sit down and play Fur Elise but I have no desire to learn more. I don't know why I'm still doing it; whatever it is, it's the wrong reason. My teacher went away last week so it's been two weeks since my last lesson; I've touched my piano a grand total of three times. And I don't care. I didn't miss it. I know she'll be disappointed in me, when I'm awkwardly hitting the wrong notes, and I know I'll feel demeaned after I walk out of there, but every time I sit down at the piano I just want to get right back up again. I hate quitting. And it's all I've done my entire life. I completely lack motivation, persistence, inspiration. If I had only stuck with piano since I started in first grade I would be good at it; if I only had the motivation to sit down and play for an hour a day. But I haven't played in two weeks, and I can't even get through my entire Guild list without getting up and doing something else. But my heart just isn't in it. It isn't in anything. That's why I don't do anything. Except, I guess, for writing. But even that; I am mediocre. It's embarassing when I tell people in journalism that this is what I want to do with my life, because even in that small environment, there are so many other people who are so much better at it than I am. I will never be half the writer Graham is or Matt is or Erin is and they don't even want to become writers. Well this was pointless. I am going to go occupy space somewhere else now. I hate myself. 1 ♥ !?@#%

[13 Apr 2004|07:27pm] He admitted it finally on Friday night. It was just the two of us, outside the Palace after watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. And my heart broke one last time. It was kind of a climactic end to this roller coaster; he had never looked so incredible as he did while watching that movie. He looked so pensive and concentrated, and he cried through part of it. I swear I had never been so in love with him. Then we walked outside and stood in front of the theater. It was humid and rainy out, the lights were bright yellow against the black night and wet street. And we talked about V and stared at a payphone and he finally admitted it. Then he walked me to my car and some guy wanted my parking spot so we had an audience, we hugged and he held my hand and I loved him one last time. I needed to hear it. As much as I knew before, I needed to hear him say it before I could ever convince my heart to believe it. Just once. Then my phone rang later and I heard it many more times, his voice shaky and gentle. And that was it. The next night I met him at the bookstore and for the first time, I looked at him as a friend. It was an automatic response, and I was almost shocked at how quickly my feelings had transformed. And on Sunday I saw him again, and we sat on his bed and I helped him write his paper, and I was thinking about his paper, not about him. Now when I look at him my eyes fall for him, not my heart. I'm letting go, and it feels amazing. (My rebound? Graham. I get that stupid feeling in my stomach when he looks at me. I want him to ask me to prom. Allison asked me yesterday if I might be interested in going with him, which was coincidental because I hadn't told anyone I wanted to go with him. Apparently when she brought up prom the other day in journalism he kind of looked over at me, and she believes that he wants to ask me. So. We'll see where that goes.) !?@#%

[10 Apr 2004|11:07am] he's gay he admitted it he's gay what now? 3 ♥ !?@#%

[02 Apr 2004|11:36pm] Things are better now. It finally got to the point at which I started randomly crying over him in my government class. Those same bathroom walls watched me cry over Ryan sophomore year... yesterday was a nice sequel. I give it 5 stars. And of course he's the first one I see when I get out of the bathroom because life is like that. his fingers through my hair, his hands wiping my tears, words that weren't said... Until after school. i said i love you i did it "I need to know what's going on with us because... I'm in love with you" ... I don't really know what happened after, I can't really describe how we managed somewhat to change the subject. "No matter what, you're still my best friend" for some reason hearing him say that made things okay. even though nothing was really solved. nomatterwhatnomatterwhatnomatterwhat !?@#%

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