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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
ohaiyogozaimasu
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10:58p
not in the mood for my behavior...
...I'm still bingeing.
C came in for 4th of July weekend. We ate ourselves to death.
I started smoking cigarettes again. I thought maybe it would help me stop bingeing. It just led to me feeling annoyed and badly about the fact that I've been doing both.
I know why I am bingeing. I know that I am stressed out about this whole shit at my job and the series 7. I want to up my concerta dose so that I can take this on like a normal person, but my doctor said no, and I cant take two pills at the same time because that would be wayyy too strong.
Fuck.
I just thought that I was above this, but I guess not. I pulled out my bulimia workbook, so I guess I'm going to start going through it again.
I really need to pass this test, but I havent been doing well enough on the practice exams to go in to the real test with confidence. Next week, I guess.
My boss gave me the day off today to study, which definitely helped, but I didnt get as much in as Id wanted to AND I overate.
This was my food today:
breakfast: thomas' bagel with fake butter and 1% milk ~500
lunch: noodle soup with egg ~500
snack: skittles ~240
snack: cookies ~650
workout: 1 hour on the treadmill ~500 calorie burn
dinner: chicken and mushrooms ~250, corn ~150
snack: more fucking skittles?! what the hell. 240
I netted just over 2000, but ugh, not good enough. I would rather me eat more real food than this snack-y shit. I hate that I learned that my building has a stupid vending machine. I wish I never knew. I started using the club area on the top of my building to study since things arent open late in the financial district and I discovered the fully stocked vending machine, which is where I got all the cookies and skittles.
I've decided that that room with that stupid fucking binge trigger is completely off limits. No vending machine. NO VENDING MACHINE.
Tomorrow I go back to work and I'm going to try to take off either Thursday or Friday to study again so that I can get this stupid test out of the way and move on with my life.
I will start tracking my food too. I'm setting some rules so that I can get this binge thing out of my system
1. Be rational about my hunger
2. If I want to binge, I have to eat something like 3oz of tuna, just to see if I'm actually hungry.
3. Once I've addressed the hunger and still want to binge, then I will keep busy until it goes away.
4. All places with easy access to trigger foods are off limits. Places with expensive food is fine, since I am fucking poor right now.
5. No sugar that isn't in milk, solely because I rely on milk for protein and I have a carton in my fridge that I dont want to go bad. No candy, no sugary foods like yogurt, no desserts, just for like 2 weeks. Then, slowly reintroduce sugar with yogurt and eventually occasional sweets.
6. Weigh in once per week. Avoiding the scale doesnt meant the weight hasnt been gained, it just means that I'm avoiding the scale because I know I've gained. I will weigh in on Friday regardless of how badly the rest of this week goes, though I am really going to try to eat like a regular person.
7. Keep up the exercise! I skipped like 4 days when C was in town, but I was going 5-6 days per week prior and I've worked out yesterday and today, so I'm back on track.
8. Dont use exercise as a means of purging. If I start using it as a purging mechanism then I will curb all workouts to 45 mins or less.
9. No other purging of any kind, either.
Lastly, if I can survive 2 weeks without bingeing, then I will treat myself to an hour long massage and a trip to Chinatown to stock up on tea leaves. I already bought some new tea and I'm kinda broke, so I really want to treat this as a reward, not a necessity. And massages are always nice.
Also, C comes back in 2 weeks, so I have to look good. I looked good on Thursday when he got here because the bingeing really hadnt been that bad and I had purged the day before... I know, terrible. I'm not going to do that again. I felt terrible afterwards.
C and I had a good weekend, he says he wants to move back to NY for a year from September, but it really depends on the economy and who is hiring, which I understand. My lease will be up in October, so I guess we can talk about actually getting a place if we've worked things out by then. I do miss him a lot. I think that my real problem with our relationship was the fact that he likes to party a lot and I dont. I know that before he moves here and certainly before we ever consider moving in together, I'll just have to explain to him that I'm not going to go out with him every night, but that he can still go and that I'm okay with that. There was a lot of pressure on me in college to always go with him, but I know that little things really tweak me out and its not worth losing control of my food and body. I do think that I need to loosen up just a little bit and go out once a week or something, even if I want to go home early. The other things that we have to work through are: taking our personal space, even if it means moving to a cheaper area with a 2 bedroom, and getting into a routine that we can both live with that includes all the things we like to do, while still fitting "us" time in. We talked about it and agreed on both of these things. Its a really long time away, though and we've agreed to see other people for now anyways. So, I guess we'll see. I like to plan and he doesnt... Planning makes things fun, even if they never happen. I like to anticipate. Its kinda funny because my job is about making on the spot decisions all day and his is about planning. Ha.
I think thats all I wanted to talk about. This is actually going to become a food journal. I know I keep saying that, but I actually mean it this time. My food is WAY too out of control for it not to be.
current music: the start of something - voxtrot
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secrethoughts
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5:35p
Update
I want to start posting my food and workout habits more regularly because I find it to be more helpful. If I wait long enough, I just can't remember right.
Anyhow-
Yesterday
Fitness- Walked 15 minutes to work and 15 from and 30 minutes during lunch. Wimped out of the gym. Did about 15 minutes of strength training for arms and shoulders.
Today
Fitness-Walked 15 minutes to work and 15 from and 30 minutes during lunch. Planning on going to the gym and doing total body strength training.
Food-as it goes+plan
Bfast: egg on whole grain English muffin
Lunch: 1 can of low sodium Amy's organic lentil and veggie soup
Snack: 1 low fat string cheese
Snack: 1/2 cup of low fat cottage cheese and about a cup of blueberries
Planned
Bvg: 1 glass low sodium V8
Dinner: kimchi fried rice made with brown rice, skinless chicken, tons of veggies, and kimchi
Dessert: 2 squares dark chocolate
Dessert 2 (optional): low fat frozen novelty (under 100 cals)
The plan is good...I figure I easily get my 5+ servings of produce, 2 servings of light dairy (the rest of the calcium is from supplement land), and I get about 80g of protein, and at least 2 servings of whole grains. That with the lentil soup provides plenty of fiber, so I'm good to go.
current mood:  accomplished
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feelslikefire
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8:53p
65.8
Went for a run today - which is nice. Still havent b/p or c/s - which is great. Just so desperate to lose weight I want it to happen immediately!
Gotta keep this up.
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thinandhealthy
[ blarneystoned ]
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2:59p
A slim belly up to the bar
What about cocktails??? I usually get white wine.
What's the best choice on the summer patio bar?
Lowest cal? carbs? sodium? sugar?
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blarneystoned
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2:58p
122lbs today
Doing pilates twice a week. I really love it & im sticking to it.
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thinandhealthy
[ secrethoughts ]
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12:28p
It works
Keep a Food Diary, Lose Twice as Much Weight
Logging intake makes you think about what you eat, study finds
By Kathleen Doheny, HealthDay Reporter
TUESDAY, July 8 (HealthDay News) -- Keeping tabs on what you eat with a food diary can double your weight loss, a new study shows.
While the idea of food diaries has been around a long time, this latest research offers more proof they help you shed more poundage, said study co-author Dr. Victor J. Stevens, a senior investigator at Kaiser Permanente Center for Health Research, in Portland, Ore.
"It's not fun to write down what you eat; it just works," he said.
In the study, which is in the August issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine, they followed almost 1,700 men and women who were either overweight or obese. The average weight was 212 pounds. The participants attended 20 weekly group meetings and were encouraged to eat about 500 fewer calories a day, to engage in moderate intensity physical activity 30 minutes or more a day, and to follow the low-fat, low-sodium DASH dietary plan, which emphasizes fruits, vegetables and low-fat dairy foods.
Participants were asked to record daily food intake and their exercise minutes.
After 20 weeks, the total average loss was about 13 pounds, Stevens said. But the food record habit predicted success.
"The more food records they kept, the more they lost," he said. "Those who kept no food records lost about 9 pounds, and those who kept six or more per week lost about 18 pounds. That's a whopping difference."
What's the magic of a food diary? "It makes you accountable to yourself," Stevens said. "They handed in the food diaries, and we took a quick look." Any chance they were fiction? Stevens doesn't think so. "They also got on the scale every week at the meeting. And you can't fake that."
Writing down your intake yields clues about where the extra calories are coming from, Stevens explained, and participants said it got easier with time: "The more I got into it, the easier it became to keep track of what I ate every day," Frank Bitzer, 64, a retired project manager for the computer industry who lost 26 pounds, told the study leaders.
More information
To learn more about a food diary to analyze eating habits, visit the American Academy of Family Physicians.
Food Diaries Best Done Right After Meals
If you're new to food diaries, here's advice from Dr. Keith Bachman, a weight management specialist at Kaiser Permanente Care Management Institute and its Weight Management and Obesity Initiative, in Portland, Ore.
* Write down your intake (and calories) using whatever method is easiest -- pen and paper, sticky note, an entry in your computer or PDA, even an e-mail to yourself.
* Aim to write down your food intake after each eating episode; it's typically more accurate than reconstructing the entire day's intake at once.
* The task of keeping the diary may help you cut down. "Remembering you have to write it down may make you decide you don't need the food," Bachman said.
----Personally, this has always worked really well for me. The better I do with journaling, the better my results have been. For most people, it's not the type of food (good vs. bad) that they're eating or when they're eating, it's the mindless eating that gets them....The bites of leftovers they eat while they're making dinner, a few handfuls of chips on the way to the kitchen, a few bites of a friend's snack, a few beers over dinner, etc. Incidentals often get forgotten, but they add up, and then people wonder why their diet isn't working and why they're gaining weight. If you've never tried it, this could be the edge you're looking for!
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Monday, July 7th, 2008
feelslikefire
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8:21p
66.0
Yesterday was ok, eaten some bread which wasnt planned - but I didnt binge. Today has been okish so far - been really busy in work, so had to have a couple of chocolates to stop me passing out as lunch was delayed, but I am sure I worked them off running around.
Just waiting for bed now I guess - to save me from messing up. If the rain stops I may go for a walk.
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secrethoughts
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9:53a
Update
Well, this has been a pretty fab weekend, I have to say.
General Re-Cap
( Read more... )
The house still appears to be stuck. I hope it all works out, but I'm getting nervous because our mortgage process is taking forever, and the seller is getting antsy because her home purchase might get messed up by ours because ours is taking so long. Not good. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Food has been pretty good. I have to say, I'm sick of all this eating, but I've been trying my best to eat healthfully. Seriously, I can't wait to go on a diet, although that seems like a million miles away at this point.
Right now, I am almost 25 weeks, which is about 6.5 months. I feel like I have been pregnant forever, and I am finally starting to look like a pregnant lady in that I actually have a belly. The belly itself is kind of cute, because there's a baby in it and all, but I could really do without the rest of the weight gain. I mean, I'm not gestating in my ass or in my thighs, but I swear you'd never know that by looking at me. The rest of me feel huuuuuuuge. I hate all the prego models, because they're all super skinny everywhere else because they totally take regular models, have them wear fake bellies, and then they model maternity wear. So...fucking...annoying. I can't explain how difficult it is to just...keep....getting...bigger. Seriously. I keep sizing up, and it is nothing short of shattering and exhausting. I am now in phase 3 of my wardrobe change. Phase 1 was basically moving out of my smaller clothes and wearing my more generously cut clothes. Phase 2 was size small maternity clothes, most of which I can still wear. I am now moving towards Phase 3, which is size medium maternity clothes. I'm not in them yet, but I ordered them because I'm about to size up...again. I hope this is as big as it gets. Ugh. I do...not...want...to....get....any bigger than that. Generally, I feel fine as long as I'm not doing something that makes me accutely aware of my body, but...*sigh*
Anyhow, the pregnancy is going well. Baby's moving a lot at this point, which is really neat. I'm starting to get a bit more tired again. I can't tell if it's the heat and dehydration, or if I just need more iron. I've been trying to get more water and more iron just in case, either way.
Now that it's getting close to baby time, I am starting to get a bit more nervous, the more and more I think about it. I really hope I'm cut out for this, that I'll be a good mom, that I won't screw her up, and that she won't hate me.
Anyhow, I'm about to get my day started....I have a few things on the agenda. 30 minute walk, either outside or in the concourse, Rosetta Stone for an hour or so, lunch with D, and random internetting. I already made dinner for tonight, so hopefully we'll go to the gym too, where I'll lift weights. Woo hooo!
Food
( Read more... )
I...am really running late today! Somehow, this took me way longer than it should have!
current mood:  awake
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blarneystoned
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6:40a
sticking to healthy eating is best. i don't even get hungry. When I splurge (ie: 4th July picnic party) The next day all I wanted was sugar. It may be like the Prussian Army, but the program works!!!
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Sunday, July 6th, 2008
feelslikefire
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11:18a
Slimfastesque diet day 0. 66.9kgs.
So, at time of writing it is 11.20. Going much better than I planned so far! Have had my delicious shake for breakfast, just have to wait til around 1pm for my next. Have bought myself a filter coffee machine - so I can enjoy plenty of proper coffee instead of thinking about binging - It seems to be working!!!
Weight today is 66.9kgs (I went over the top eating yesterday as a sort of fairwell to eating crap) so I should weigh a bit less tomorrow. I am wondering how often I should weigh myself - I know I shouldnt weigh myself everyday - but just realistically dont know if I can resist. As time goes on and weight loss slows down - I may weigh myself less, but for now will see how I do.
Update at 16.15:
Trying to wait til 5pm before I have my meal of the day. Had last shake at 1pm. I am feeling a little hungry at times - but coffee is going down well - think I may have had too much though! Doing well I think though - feel thinner already!
I hope this keeps up. It should be easier when I am in work, weekends are the hardest days - so I am really doing well.
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Saturday, July 5th, 2008
feelslikefire
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3:31p
Here We Go (Again!). Day -1.
Guess what!?! I think I may have stopped wallowing in self-pity!!!! For now, at least.
Today is the last day I am going to either binge or vomit. Tomorrow starts a new day, a new frame of mind and a new life. My last chance - because all my energy has to go into this.
This is still about losing weight, but I just need to do it, rather than just thinking about it and being eating disordered. I am never going to not be eating disordered - but I dont need it to rule my every waking moment.
I am going to try a variation on the slimfast diet. I have bought a cheaper alternative to the slimfast shakes - 215 cals per carton. I plan on having one for breakfast and lunch, and, for evening meal will have a weight watchers meal - at around 350cals. Snacks will include coffee with milk (in work we only have semi skimmed milk - so that is quite a lot of calories with the amount of coffee I drink) and a mushroom soup - 82cals.
So, that totals 862 plus the calories in milk - which in fairness should bring me to about 1,200.
I need to do exercise too. I plan on doing 2 outdoor runs per week and a couple of indoor sessions.
Under no circumstances am I allowed to b/p or c/s.
Goals. 3rd Aug (1 month from tomorrow) 60kgs. Overall goal weight 53kgs.
This is going to be horrendously difficult to begin with - I have been so lazy with myself and eating habits for ages now. I need this routine. I need to be better.
Wish me luck.
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Thursday, July 3rd, 2008
Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
Monday, June 30th, 2008
secrethoughts
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5:05p
Monday?
Food
( Read more... )
Tonight, D and I will probably walk Mug for awhile in the park, which will be nice. Not exactly a real calorie burner, but I'll count it as activity. ;) Tomorrow we'll probably go to the gym.
Seriously, getting all this extra sleep has been amazing. I feel so much better.
This weekend, for the most part, was good.
Yesterday, kind of sucked though. The suckitude started when our friends invited us over to their swimming pool. Now, I've been doing better with this whole pregnancy body image thing, but I don't have a swimsuit that fits, and honestly I don't want to buy one. I'm just not there. I feel like it would cause massive ungluing and a horrible body/self schism that I'm just not ready for at this point. Anyhow, he was seriously pissed that I wouldn't go buy a swimsuit and go swimming, and we had a big fight about it, and I ended up spazzing and crying, and it sucked. He still doesn't get it. Thinks I should feel beautiful , that I should be proud of my expanding figure, and that I should want to flaunt it and all that, and while that's true, and while I know it's true, knowing what should be doesn't make it so. External knowledge doesn't equate to an internal reality.. I wish it did, but it doesn't. Hell, right now I'm trying to work on my regular, non-pregnant body image. I'm not ready to embrace and flaunt my body in its current state. Whether or not he knows it, he's seriously lucky that I haven't gone into complete hermitude! Honestly, swimsuit meltdown aside, for me I think I'm doing well.
Bottom line, we didn't end up going to the pool, and he apologized for upsetting me. Poor D. Seriously, I wish I could be...
Whatever.
Anyhow, after my minor melt down, we went to the gym, where I had a a killer weight workout, and after that we ended up going over to their house for a fully clad dinner, which was nice. I made (and obviously didn't drink) mojitos, which everyone seemed to enjoy. Seriously, I make a killer mojito. For dinner, we had pasta. Good times.
The day before that we saw my parents. It was nice.. We had pasta then too. I also got my hair cut, which was seriously long overdue. It looks so much better now.
On Friday, I think Mike (former housemate) came over for dinner; we had a great time. Honestly, I wish we got to see Mike more. Also, we had pasta. For the record, I'm boycotting pasta for...like...ever. Actually, we saw Mike on Thursday, but I'm still boycotting pasta forever because that is still too much pasta in such a short period of time.
I think Friday basically ended up being a lazy blah day, which was nice too.
And that pretty much wraps it up!
current mood:  happy
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