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Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
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2:07a
im so afraid of losing control of my life...
im afraid of commitment... i can't stand the thought of making mistakes... making mistakes that'll make me sad later on in my life... i live afraid that people will harm me... i live my life triple-checking everything to make sure i don't do anything wrong and i just don't know where this all will end... im scared... im terrified of living life like everyone else... making mistakes... learning from mistakes... WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I?... id ont want to fall and learn i dont want to fall at all... i hate living in this uncertainty i honestly wish i were dead and it'd all be just easier... i hate taking risks... and living like by the minute... i hate "living"... i want to cry and shoot someone when things don't go the way i want them to...
i fucking hate people... i hate my non-existing friends, i hate my mom, my dad, the rich fat-ass wanting to be my new "dad", my sisters, my boss, my coworkers, my boyfriend and his strange way of living life... how the fuck can you be so happy all the time and be so angry and frustrated and controling and independent, and fucking retarded... i wish i could leave you so you know how much you'd miss me... but i can't because im fucking needy and i need stability to feel alive... im not alive... im fucking anxious and basically as good as dead... im shaky... i dont want to lose it...
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