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Tuesday, February 26th, 2008
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12:35a
And all of a sudden...
i dont know what i'm doing with my life...
i mean, this is not a specific problem, this is not a fight, i doubt this even has anything to do with my BPersonality, I just... suddenly feel so out of place...
And then its so difficult to just KNOW if its depression, boredom with my life or just simply unhappyness...
Are there any big problems? Am I having a hard time with anything in specific? No.
I'm just incredibly confused...
Yes, things are well... but how come i feel so out of it? i still hate people... i still hate pretending... sometimes i hate my family... sometimes i hate myself... sometimes i just wish i could get out of this life and start over...
is my relationship going to work?... i mean... sure, we're both quite commited from my point of view... but is that enough? will that do in the long term?
I guess I always thought the boy and I had similar life plans... and we do talk... and while he normally agrees with just having a regular life... every once in a while he mentions the horrid lifestyle that i KNOW he wishes he could end up leading... He studies this carreer where they include all about business and all about tourism and whatnot... so while I always thought he was more of a business guy... he comes around and talks about living at some beach... making a living out of jet skies... bars... clubs... CRAP!
i DO NOT want that!!!
and as much as i hope this is just a thing he KNOWS is quite surreal... now i'm not so sure... WHAT IF... that's really what he wants... I mean, we DO talk about everything but he never said he was serious about that... and he has a million plans... how am I to know which one he's really going after... does he REALLY have a plan?
i know I have a plan... I was business living... i want corporative finances... I want an office job... I'm boring... so fucking what!?... he KNOWS all this... he supports this...
i don't want him to keep on dreaming that he can be 25 all his life... and he KNOWS how i feel about this... so of course i think he was just half-joking...
are we even right for each other... long-term?
so he talks marriage... and kids and what-the-fuck not... but sometimes i'm just not sure about him...
is this THAT bad?
should i just stay confident that he's just confused from the lack of a good job?
cold feet?
depressed and not enjoying what i used to?
confused?
sad?
unhappy?
how should i know?
now, sort of off topic... the other day a REALLY good friend of the boy was drunk-talking to me that IF i wasn't with the boy... we would SO have something... and that he was SO in need of a girl... and that i'd better be careful around him... W.T.F!? he was lying next to where i was sitting (in front of the boy) and he suddenly starts caressing my back... I started getting uncomfortable... he notices... he stops... and falls asleep... SERIOUSLY.. WHAT IS IT WITH MEN!!!!!!!!? Have i just had really bad luck and found a big bunch of idiots? is MY boy like that?... and they still wonder why i can't trust anyone...
And to TOP IT ALL OFF... this guy ( lets call him O ) signed the boy up for a big red bull contest where they go on a week-long rally on a quest for 3,000 dlls... and then end up at a beach for the weekend (the boy says he'll buy a plane ticket for me to get there)... I MEAN:... HONESTLY.... HOW could i be comfortable with him going 1 wHOLE week with this big slut of a guy exchanging red bull with people (girls, OBVIOUSLY) for food and whatnot... oh... and that would leave me on spring break... by myself... gee... thanx...
this is SO not going to happen...
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