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Wednesday, May 14th, 2008
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8:36 pm
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So... I haven't been to the gym this week.. amazingly its NOT because I have no time... i just don't feel like it... which is kind of weird considering i always wine about not having time to go... blablabla...
I got back to school this monday except my school schedule is pretty awesome (in some ways)... I take 6 courses every 3-4 months... Normally its 3 monday wednesday and fridays and 3 tuesdays and thusdays... this term i have 3 online courses (which might be pretty intense... i don't know yet) and 3 tuesday-thursday classes... so after work (1pm) mon-wedn-fri i'm basically free (although with online-stuff to do) and tuesdays and thursdays i go to school 5.30-10pm... which is... hmm different... i'm not sure if it's better...
My intake has been alright lately... not awesome, just alright... I want to go back to my super strict diet but i can't bring myself to it... salad-tuna-grilled chicken-fruit-veggies-slim fast shakes... i just don't feel like it... so lately its been pretty weird... i rarely eat anything for breakfast, i have a normal lunch meal and eat whatever for dinner... blah... i need to change that...
AAaanyways... i don't really have much to post about... except that the boy said something that freaked me out.. he said he wanted to get married in a bit more than 1 year... w.t.f. its not that i don't want to but it scares the crap out of me that i'm still so fucking young and whatnot... but honestly being in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship for too long can be bad too... tomorrow we will officially be at our 3 year 4 month mark... wow... and i honestly have no idea WHEN i'll be "ready"... because most of the people that i know that are married at this age are just because they were pregnant... i'm turning 21 in a few weeks and he's turning 26 in july... its weird... because i don't want to date him for like 5 years, you know? and i'm quite sure we could be happy but i guess i wish i knew someone else getting married young and not thinking they've fucked up... that's all... and our age difference makes it harder, maybe because if I were turning 26 i might be feeling more ready but i can't ask for this relationship to wait another 5 years... and he'd be 31... so... yeah... meh i don't know...
i guess if i were out of college (which i'll be in 1.5 years) and had a stable job... i wouldn't be so freaked out... blah...
i guess i wouldn't say no... but... mehhh i'm such a control freak that i'm not sure i could handle it...
we'll see
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| Monday, May 12th, 2008
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12:54 am
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back from the beachhhh:
1. I got a tan-ish... yay!
2. I didn't feel like a whale
3. I didn't eat that much (even if i got my period mid-trip, meaning pms)
4. I worked out every 2nd day there
5. The boy and I talked a lot and we're in a really good place now
6. I did drink but it was 1 red wine one day and 2 vodka drinks another day
7. Must get back to pre-trip diet plan
8. I just CAN'T believe tomorrow i'll be back to school for my 6th term (out of 10!)
9. I had a great time.
10. Must-Sleep-Now.
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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4:38 pm
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So.. I'm experiencing what it feels like to live on your own but with money... hahah this is the life...
So my sisters and my mom are gone to the beach (since yesterday), the boy, my sister's boyfriend and I will join them tomorrow afternoon. And meanwhile, I'm homealone... Today I actually did housewife-stuff! like pay the maid and call the vet to pick up the dog and clean him up... Plus, I get to have a driver hahah terriffic! He drove me to to work, picked me up, drove me to the gym, then laser hair removal and i'm back home at 4.40pm, at 6pm I have to pick up my dog but I decided I'm going to walk because its like idk, 2 miles away?.. This is awesome hahah a house that's clean and quiet and allllllll mine... loves it!
Besides... drivers are always on time... i LOVE being on time... seriously... i SO need one forever and ever my sister and my mom always keep me waiting for them... the driver is always 5 minutes early... je l'aime!
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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9:03 pm
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so more on that earlier post... this is basically an edited copy/paste of an email i sent to a friend...
im sick and it sucks... i can't breathe and my throat is in pain... gah...
welll... i almost broke up with the boy this weekend... it was horrible i guess i never wrote about this because things haven't been TOO bad but things just aren't welll.. its hard to explain but its like i've been unhappy with him and whining about it constantly... and he's been feeling the whining and ignoring me or pushing me away because of it.... and it was a neverending circle... you bug me, i bug you, i get all defensive and so do you... blah... so i tried to talk to him about it saturday and he said he didn't really feel like talking since he was tired and whatnot... i said okay.. and then sunday i brought it out again... and we talked about it for hours and i basically told him if he wanted to break up or try harder... we agreed that we needed to work on this or we'd eventually break up out of nowhere...
so... more specific?
Hm, ever since I stopped drinking I haven't been too into the whole clubbing idea.. i still go and end up having fun but lately i had been having rough weeks at school and i wanted to rest forever... and of course the boy wanted to go out and have some drinks, which is fine and all but without drinking i don't ever find myself talking to strangers about random stuff (which i usually do) and the boy regularly ends up talking to his friends or random people about whatever stuff (which is totally fine with me) ... at some point during the night we dance our asses of and have fun together but we RARELY spend all night together (which is one theory as to why we're still together according to other party-loving people)... so... now i end up small-talking with strangers (i'm REALLY reserved about everything when im sober) and get annoyed that the boy is having so much fun so i whine about him not paying attention to me all night (which i don't even really want)... so things started liek that... then evolved into me thinking he's really not that into the relationship anymore and i feel like maybe its my fault because i'm always so cool with everything and it got me thinking that maybe i should be a bit more like every other girl i know and start demanding attention and whatnot... so the more i demand attention, the more he pushed me away, which caused MORE attention-whoring on my part and even MORE ignoring from his part... vicious cycle... and then i exploded last night and told him i wasn't comfortable with the relationship and it had me looking elsewhere for attention and that is NOT what i wanted, i wanted to see if he was interested in making it work or we could just simply break up and go our separate ways... we didn't really solve anything because im sure neither of us want to break up but all i wanted was to express that i was really annoyed and if he didn't want to make it work i was not going to keep trying... and i hope that makes things change... i really hope so...
i also have to say ... last thursday i kissed this other guy... gahhh.... im stupid stupid stupid... and i SERIOUSLY don't know why i keep doing this... alcohol sucks... so i mentioned 3 guys i kissed in the school-trip when i was totally drunk and i couldn't remember doing it... well last thursday i was at this guy's house for a school thingy and it was only me and like 8 guys... which totally pissed the boy but i still wanted to go because i was clearly mad at him... i didn't really think anything would happen... but we were drinking (i hadn't had anything to drink in like 3-4 weeks, im on a diet) and i decided to drink some tequila.. so i got a bit drunk (off 3 drinks... so unlike me) and this guy "R"(one of the 3 guys from the trip) drove me home because this other dude "C" was bugging the crap out of me trying to touch me... so we arrived to my house and i told him(how embarassing).. "we should kiss... i mean, it doesn't even count as cheating because i've already kissed you before, right?") well... apparently he loved my drunkedness and we made out for almost an hour... gah we were talking dirty and it was a bit crazy and hot... the funny thing is i really never meant to take it any further than that... i even told him that if i were ever single we would have sex, not anytime soon... blah... oh well...
so that just gets me thinking if my thoughs on cheating have changed at all... because normally i know i would break up with the boy because of a kiss...what a hypocrit... but then again, on my side it feels so innocent and stupid... and of course im almost sure this happened because i was unhappy with the boy and i wanted to have fun because i knew it was wrong... i wish i could explain it but i just feel so confused... kissing is so weird... i mean sex is really different, i really don't think i could have sex with someone that's not the boy... i've had countless opportunities but i just don't think its about sex...
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1:08 am
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well i almost broke up with the boy this weekend... wow...
nothing really big happened (like no big-ass fight, or anything) but i guess we're going through a really rough patch and we were both on the "defensive" attitude instead of the "supportive" attitude... gah... this has been going on for at least 3 weeks i donit know why i never got around to write about it... he's been really nice every once in a while but then most of the times there's friction and idk... we talked through it today... i think we're going to make it... bleh, more on that later... i still have to think things over...
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| Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
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12:26 am
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So today might be day 16th of my diet... hooray? IDK. I know I started on the 9th so, do the math... im officially brain dead... i know the end-date will be june 9th... if there ever is an end day... the calories have been revolving around the 1200s give or take.. so im un-doing the calorie count because i know that by day 60th i will have finished with the 40,000cals and even some more...
I haven't been drinking... except for 1 glass of red wine on sunday because i just really felt like it... so what?
everyone tells me im looking good... my mom's boyfriend said i looked to have lost like 7lbs already... which just made me feel like i looked like an elephant 2 weeks ago... but then i was happy that i was not an elephant anymore? um im not sure... but i seriously want to get skinny and i think im on my way... I've lost all my excitement for my diet specially because its fucking hot here and it bloats me up... and i dont feel the loss that much...
seriously 36°C at 12:31AM! (that would be 96.8°F) seriously... this is wrong... plus i can't shave my arm pitts for 1 more week because i have an appointment at the laser hair removal thingy for a checkup on my progress... and i can't wear a tank top... so there you have ME at noon which was probably over 45°C (113°F) and i was wearing a sleeved top... :dies:... insanity...
So this week is finals... and i've been doing amazingly good... honestly... if things go as planned i would be finishing this semester with a 99%... The bad part is i've been killing myself studying and I wish I didn't already know that I'm only going to get 2 weeks off and then its back to school... again... blaaaH... pLUS i didn't go to the gym monday or tuesday... im probably going wednesday-thursday and friday at least... maybbbbe saturday
Things with the boyfriend have been really good... he's still working on a couple of things that keep me whining which is good... he's been working at his father's company so that has kept him busy and not-so-annoying...
Work sucks... whatever...
my dad is moving back to dallas... again... so, yeah... things are slowly going back to normal...
and i think that's all right now...
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| Wednesday, April 16th, 2008
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12:26 am
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Have you ever felt the desperate need to cry and never ever stop?
You know, when it hurts so bad inside, you have no idea why and the more you attempt to hold your tears, the more they become. Look up to the ceiling, breathe, blink, blink, blink, look into the mirror to see if your makeup is fucked up. Survived? Ok, now grab your stuff, breathe, and go home, its "lunch time" and you gotta go to the gym. Breathe. Get into the car with your sister. Breathe. Complain your eyes hurt because the sun is so fucking bright, just in case she sees. Breathe. Distract yourself. Everything is alright, no one has died, you have no problems, your life is good, your diet is going good, your clothes fit perfectly, why the fuck are you crying? Why does it hurt inside as soon as you stop concentrating on something else? Endorphins are not working, still feel like crap? Workout 'til it hurts, concentrate on pain. Concentrate on calorie-burn. Go to school. Pay attention, good grades don't come easy. Breathe. Talk to people, distract yourself from the pain inside. Done with school? Tired yet? No? Do homework. Watch tv. Don't cry.
I have no idea why this is happening. I'm not even hormonally excused. Sure, the boy could have been a bit more attentive to me today but nothing's wrong and I can't remember the last time i wanted to die so bad because i couldn't stand feeling my heart tearing. Must sleep.
diet's fine. Day 9. 33700 calories to go. Worked out. Blah
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| Sunday, April 13th, 2008
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12:07 pm - Saturday: Day 6
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54 Days to go.
35800 calories to go...
Which means I have already burned 4200 extra calories which is over 1 lb... Yayyy!
Yesterday -
Banana (2)
Mango (1)
Apples (2)
Grapefruit (1)
Jicama (210942139871 pzs)
Chicken (2pzs)
Salad (1)
Wrap thingy (1)
and at night... clubbbing... just mineral water with lemon ::hurray::
I actually got my period yesterday but I really don't think I look like it... so that is GREAT news... no bloat or anything... which means i'll be way happier once this is over...
I went to the gym 2 hours anddd that's all...
Today I'm going for lunch with the boy's parents... wish me luck
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| Saturday, April 12th, 2008
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12:48 pm
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So friday was a COMPLETE success...noooo drinking for me! i bought 2 huge cans of green tea and sipped all night
Saturday just started for me... loveee sleeping till noon...
I ate 1 banana and I'm going to the gym in a sec... will update more soon...
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| Friday, April 11th, 2008
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10:00 pm - Fridayyyy: Day 5
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if i manage to get to 1200 cals then:
36500 cals to go
55 days to go
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9:53 pm
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today.. i ran... and ran... and ran... 8 kilometers ... yayyy! i'm so excited i've never done that before i used to run 5K(3.15miles) but not 8K! (5miles) in 60 minutes... i was actually going at a constant 5mph
so, yeah... and then i did 30 minutes on abs and arms and butt... blablalba
the calories have been low today because i just KNOW the second i see the boy, things will complicate (he'll get here any minute)...
breakfast - slimfast shake 200cal -(i was running late...)
lunch - 1 pz chicken (60cal) w/sauce (30cal) with rice (100 cal) and a green salad (15cal) with 2tbsp dressing (54cal)
snack - 1 grapefruit (?cal, must look it up)
annnd thats pretty much all...
i know im super low.. specially considering the amount of exercise... but ill probably have dinner with the boy...
and besides, i got a fat comment today... ::dies:: honestly, wtf... i think im losing weight and this?! fuck that...
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| Thursday, April 10th, 2008
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4:52 pm
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Well back to reality
i went to work today
then went to the gym
and my calories are around 910 at the moment so i still have 290 for after school... yay!
so far... so good!
im actually pretty entusiastic lately for no apparent reason hahah im excited and looking forward to losing 40,000 calories... hahas it sounds SO much better than 11lbs... so if today goes as planned i'll be finishing at 37200 calories to go and 56 days to do so... at the rate im going im thinking its going to be awesome... of course i still have the weekend to face... lalalaaa... wish me luck
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2:24 am
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Day 3: SUCCCCEsSSS
hell f'ing yeah!
now officially 37900 to go!
Went to the gym...
AND i managed to order dinner at chili's and actually made the right choice... came home and it is.... 510 calories... laksfhkalsjdlajdlas i thought it was going to be a 15995839042 calorie surprise... so yeah....
and homework sucks
and today i was cooompletely lazy and irresponsable and missed work AND school... (although i did do 283718293 lbs of homework...) but still im feeling like such a fucking rebel.. ahahah isn't that sad
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| Wednesday, April 9th, 2008
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11:08 am - Yesterday
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Day 2: Success
Total: 1200
Went to the gym
New total: 38600
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| Monday, April 7th, 2008
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9:38 pm
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Today's intake was a LITTLE bit under 1200 but in case I forgot to add something i'll leave it at 1200...
NOW...
I can officially substract 700 calories from my goal...
39300 calories to go
59 days to go
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12:21 am
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I dont know what to do... I remember I once posted about this guy O.. who is a VERY good friend of the boy... and once told me that i should be careful with him because he'd so fuck me if i allowed him... yes, he was drunk... but then, last weekend he was drunk again and gave me a quick lip kiss, a peck... i tried to brush it off because i didn't want to cause a scene and i really thought he hadn't meant to do it... this weekend he told me that he had wanted to talk to me about "that kiss he gave me".... i'm like "Huh? what kiss?" because I hate those kinds of conversations... and i told him i didn't remember and that it was "no problem, because clearly you didn't mean to"... and he responded with a "oh, yes i did... and if you wouldn't have gone home with your boyfriend i would've invited you to my apartment" (trying to be cool about it) i just said "oh you drunk-ass... control yourself haha or i'll tell on you and he'll beat you up"... and then as the night went on he was getting drunk (yet again) he french-kissed my shoulder just to "show me" how he was trying to kiss me the previous weekend...
See, I am aware that he's newly single and he must be super horny and whatnot... but WTF!!!
I REALLY don't want to tell the boy because EEEVERY time i come clean about stuff like this i always end up feeling like crap and ruining friendships and relationships... im fucking TIRED of it... and i mean... what in the world have IIII done for him to be acting like this... gah it makes me feel like im a slut and i might have caused this... i mean, it is NOT the first time it has happened... asdkaskjdajksdkkajwieuaiueiaassdkj bullshit.
hmm blah... im tired of feeling fat...
i ran into this guy i dated when i wasl ike 16... and honestly all i could think of is my fatness and how he must be thinking i look huge... barf... barf... barf...
and my dad is still insane
and my mom is still acting like an irresponsible 18-yr-old with a new boyfriend
and bullshit
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| Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
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5:08 am
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so fat
so fat
so fat
and i feel so pathetic for admitting i can't stop thinking about my meals and exercise and fatness when i KNOW i dont have health problems because im fat and i know that fat people don't wear size 3/4 and im just tired of trying to convince myself i'm alright...
i want to cry
my fucking family is going insane...
my dad is apparently going to a psychiatrist AND a psychologist... not that there's anything wrong with it... but when did i miss the memo that my dad is mentally off?! wtf... i knew i acted strangely like him in a bad way but does that mean i'm fucking desperate for help too?
and now he can't even talk to me because he's disappointed and pissed and amazed that my mom rejected him (for wanting to get back together after 4!!!!!! years of living apart... countries apart!!!) "just because he has a new boyfriend"... which i must admit is still fucking insane considering they've been dating 2 months and my parents were married for 25 years but whatever.. and its like it was MY fault my mom doesn't want him back... WTF!!! i feel like a 10yr old kid trapped in between parental problems.. fuck that...
so what does my mom do? act responsibly and take care of us? oh GOOOOD NO.... she decides to travel with her new boyfriend for almost 2 weeks!!!!!! WTF!!!
meanwhile i've been waking up every morning with my feet and hands swollen as if i had consumed too much salt (which i haven't) and it hurts and its getting to be too often... so now i took some diuretics... and then i remember i've been taking them ALL WEEK... around 3 pills... because i wake up like this and i can't leave the house with my fucking face and fingers and toes all fat... barf... i want to die...
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| Tuesday, March 25th, 2008
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2:07 am
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im so afraid of losing control of my life...
im afraid of commitment... i can't stand the thought of making mistakes... making mistakes that'll make me sad later on in my life... i live afraid that people will harm me... i live my life triple-checking everything to make sure i don't do anything wrong and i just don't know where this all will end... im scared... im terrified of living life like everyone else... making mistakes... learning from mistakes... WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I?... id ont want to fall and learn i dont want to fall at all... i hate living in this uncertainty i honestly wish i were dead and it'd all be just easier... i hate taking risks... and living like by the minute... i hate "living"... i want to cry and shoot someone when things don't go the way i want them to...
i fucking hate people... i hate my non-existing friends, i hate my mom, my dad, the rich fat-ass wanting to be my new "dad", my sisters, my boss, my coworkers, my boyfriend and his strange way of living life... how the fuck can you be so happy all the time and be so angry and frustrated and controling and independent, and fucking retarded... i wish i could leave you so you know how much you'd miss me... but i can't because im fucking needy and i need stability to feel alive... im not alive... im fucking anxious and basically as good as dead... im shaky... i dont want to lose it...
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| Tuesday, March 18th, 2008
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1:40 am
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so the trip was pretty good...
well... it was okay... or not... blah
the activities themselves were fine but i'm just amazed by how stupid i am...
i'm disappointed and i dont know what to do about myself...
i'm not going to write everything in detail because i should be asleep and im lazy but... thursday was alright, nothing big happened... friday was alright except for the fact that at night i decided to make some dude fall for me... and he sort of did... i mean, i didn't do anything with him but you just KNOW when you're with someone who just wishes you didn't have to leave soon... i spent a lot of time on saturday with him, we just talked... nothing more (and of course the daily activites)... that same day i went partying with 6 dudes and 4 other girls that i didn't know and i'll never see again... i hadn't slept for 2 days because i had a busy schedule and whatnot... so i was super tired and that + half a bottle of whiskey = drunk... I completely blanked-out about what happened... I know I was drinking and chatting and i just can't seem to remember what i did afterwards.. I asked a guy friend and he said i got friendly with the 3 guys i knew.. ALL 3 OF THEM... I kissed them all... W-T-F?...he said that was it and then i was tripping all over so I went to bed (in this guy's apartment) and that was all.. according to him.. EXCEPT... when I woke up (at the hotel except not in my room but in the 3 guy's room... all of whom I know and trust) So when I woke up... the problem was... I was wearing a sweater.. over my top... which was inside out and my bra hooked on weirdly...
I HONESTLY feel like the biggest shit in the world... I asked all 3 of them and they said that aside from the kissing and getting drunk I didn't do anything else... I honestly hope that it was only a drunken stupidity like getting naked in the restroom thinking I was home to take a shower and then putting my clothes back on wrong... but im not so sure... i couldn't have fucked anyone... i have my period... and i just dont have sex on my period... blah...
so yeah, 1... i'm a slut, 2... i obviously can't be away from my boyfriend for more than 2 minutes because i'll kiss guys i dont EVEN LIKE physically and 3... i am stupid
SERIOUSLY ... WHO goes to an apartment with 3 guys you know and 3 guys and 4 girls they won't ever see again... asldiajdlasjldjaslkdjalsjeiowaeoia,mn,asd,asd
i have always told myself i'd be honest to my boyfriend if i cheated but HONESLTY i thought that if i was ever to cheat on the boy i would have a reason to cheat, i would be unhappy with him, i would at least like the other guy and i would at LEAST remember what i did... but i don't... and i refuse ruining my 3 year relationship for something i can't even recall...
god i'm a terrible person...
and the worst part is the boy didn't even go out that much this weekend... he went out even LESS than we normally do... crap...
i.am.crap.
plus i drank so much that im super fat... pictures = hell...
MUST.LOSE.20.LBS.NO.MATTER.WHAT.
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| Thursday, March 13th, 2008
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2:34 am
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so i'm leaving tomorrow.. well actually in 4 hours... i hope i can keep up with my diet plan 'til i come back... (sunday)... aghhh i hadn't realized how much i'll miss the boy... today we had dinner and things are back to being SO lovely... his attitude has changed (finally!) and he's the positive person he used to be... it makes me happy...
Oh and so far it's been 2 100s in this midterms... hopefully i did alright on my other exams...
ok back to homework and packing...
ciao
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