| .i cant even being to write how i feel.
.and these are just 15 more tries closer to the grave.
anyone still have me listed as a friend?
seriously, if you dont already
read the livejournal. its where
ive been putting everything
lately. i just like it better. if
you want to know my life,
youll read it. otherwise, you stink.
well, this summers been so far off to a rocky start.
i fell, i dont know... i dont want to sound lost.. so cliche...
but thats how it really feels.
ive been coming home at 1 or 2 every night, and then
im just lonely and empty until i pass out.
i even feel this way when im around most of my friends.
i feel guilty talking to my friends about my problems,
mainly because i always have. and it takes a long time
before i feel comfortable enough to talk to anyone and
not feel like im just dumping on them.
sigh, lately ive been so fucking insecure...
i definetly dont feel like im good enough for anyone anymore.
like even my friends.
i even feel like they could be doing better than me.
im just so incredibly lost.
theres a very large void in my life right now.
and it sucks.
friend on there.
the same thing
seriously, what the fuck
is wrong with me??
i was fine this morning...
i was fine two hours ago.
why arent i fine now?
im such a weak person.
and i cant even seek comfort.
because i cant even talk
to her about it...
so how could i expect her
to help me get through this?
i must be crazy, because i feel like
she doesnt want to see me anymore.
maybe its best for the both of us
because ill probably just go and
fuck things up.
well, its official.
in dont deserve to have feelings or emotions.
they should be reserved for those fortunate souls who can recieve the joy of feelings in return.
im striking out.
ive been at the plate too many times.
this time i thought would be different, too bad alcohol ruins your judgement.
without it, my mouth wouldve stayed shut
and my feelings unhurt.
i cant go back to not bringing it up.
and if it gets brought up, confrimation of my rejection is certain.
i too, hate drinking.
i dont want to do it anymore, because i dont want to do anything stupid ever again.
but if i do do it, i wont feel this pain anymore.
its never hurt this much before.
i dont think i can rebuild this time
its been broken into so many pieces so many times.
when its more glue than heart, do i even have one anymore?
maybe without one, the feelings can stop.
i wish i was stronger, so i would be unaffected.
i wish i could put up another fucking barrier and just close that section off forever.
i think my life started as a ball of shit on the top of a shit mountain.
as i roll down, i just gather more and more shit.
i hope ive reached the bottom.
id give anything to go splat.
because if things got any worse than this, i wouldnt be able to handle it.
i guess theres nothing left to do but bite the bullet. i wish i didnt care about my life, then i could just put one in my head instead.
i guess theres no one left to blame but me
i did what shouldnt have been done
& said what shouldnt have been said
and now i cant take it back
i feel like ive either ruined something beautiful
or started something great
and the latter just left the building.
i just wish my chest didnt hurt so much.
8th grade retreat:
there were only at most 7 of them
but i connected with so many people.
and i realized for the first time in my life...
that i actually do mean something to the people in my life.
only a few other times in my life have i seen so many tears shed
and ive never seen it because of something i said.
it really humbles a man
to see what he really means.
new cell phone?
so, recently ive been trying to get closer with a friend of mine
whos been going through a tough time.
and its made me realize something important:
why havent we been friends all this while?
but thats unimportant, because now
im going to make up for lost time.
calls will be exchanged and time will be spent.
anyway, tomorrows the eighth grade retreat
im looking forward to it i guess.
and since none of the people there will read this before i read my talk
i guess i can drop the bombshell know.
no matter what i say
i do not know if i will see any of you next year.
i do not know where i will be
i apologize greatly to any of you this may affect.
however i doubt that will be more than a handful.
Andrew W.K. is in less than a week.
when its time to party, we will party hard.
i've firmly decided to quit
AOL Instant Messenger
for a while.
and the only way i could
figure this to be feasible is to
unplug my beloved Personal Computer.
so i am presently updating on
my fathers iBook.
and im falling in love with
the ease of Macintosh.
i want an iBook.
i will not install AIM
on this majestic machine.
therefore i will out of contact
in an instantly messaged form
for about a week.
if this experiment
the possiblities are endless...
a life without AIM....
im such a fucking bitch.
bloody nose number two today.
this time from fred.
i felt awesome though this time.
it was invigorating....
tonight, i want to get into a fight.
or get a chick.