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Monday, August 9th, 2004
11:25 pm
Just a quick update. Summer has gone by fairly quick for me. I'll be in the dorms at Texas Tech University in a couple of weeks. Classes start August 30th. I'm hoping I'll find a job on-campus, so I can save my gas as much as possible. I'm somewhat ready for college to start, but I'm more ready to meet some new/different people. I'm tired of hanging out with the same lame ass friends. I have a couple of friends who aren't even going to college because they are too lazy to do it. I don't have much else to update anyone on except that. I've been pretty much taking it easy this summer. Oh also, I'm hoping I can start working out again soon, which for me is a big plus. I've laid off my foot for a full year now, so I'm counting on that it will hold up on me. I'm positive it should, but there really are no garuntees when it comes to an injury that has reoccured 4 times on me in the previous two years now. I've missed lifting weights with some of my friends. I guess it makes me feel good to put my body through all the stress of the weight lifting. It makes my day start off better, or so it seems to me. Time for bed it seems. I haven't slept much in the previous week. Too much on the mind.

current mood: anxious
current music: Killswitch Engage - Breathe Life

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Monday, May 24th, 2004
11:13 pm - done..
I'm done with school, not officially, but being as smart as I am, I finished school a week and a half early. I guess being smart does pay off in the end. I think people have the wrong impression of me because I've gotten 3 coolers as presents. The bad part is they aren't exactly small coolers. I really think I should've graduated early now that I'm to this point just because I know I was smart enough and all I did this year was NOTHING. The only reason I was in this grade is I missed the cut off date by 7 days...shitty deal but I don't really mind now. Oh and another thing. I got FUCKED out of being number 3 in my class..I dropped from 3 to 6 in two weeks...kinda odd don't you think? The bad part isn't that I dropped 3 places, but my grades were higher than they have been all year..bah oh well. I know one day I'll be making more money than all the rest of those other 5, and I have no one to thank but myself for that. If they expect me to come back in twenty years thanking everyone at this shithole school for a good education they can fuck off. The only reason I'm as smart as I am is because I went ahead and took college classes as a Junior...When they come looking for all the thanks, I'm just going to laugh in their face and turn my back on them. As bad as this is going to sound, I don't really care what happens to the people who are above me in my class. They all know I'm ten times as smart as they will ever be in their entire life. I had a 95 GPA and didn't give a damn about school. They all put their heart and soul into every second of school and barely pull a 96. I laugh at if I actually tried to apply myself to school how easily I could've graduated valedictorian. Ah yes and now they expect me to be nice to them even though they stole my spot. The only reason they were ahead of me is because I was taking college level classes and they were taking classes I made 100's in as a Soph...haha ridiculous indeed. Our school is so damn corrupted its not funny. The only thing I hope for is my mom to get out of this school system and then they can all go to hell. If your can't tell I'm pissed off that I got screwed out of being number 3 in my class. Although I don't care really, it still sucks that your smartest person in the entire school can't be recognized because of a bunch of sucking up bitches who only care about being popular. I guess I should step off my soap box now...

current mood: pissed off
current music: Slipknot - Eyeless

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Sunday, May 9th, 2004
5:25 pm - wow
Ha Well I forgot I even had this thing until I talked to someone on AIM about it...I really don't have any great news, but just thought I might update to make sure everyone knew I was alive. I am officially the smartest kid in my school, not by a little bit but by a lot. Its kinda pitiful when my GPA is a 95 and I haven't studied for a test my high school career, much less did homework. Oh and I really despise everyone in my school. I'm the second oldest person in my grade, and I get treated like a little kid. I don't really care much about it anymore because in a week I'm done with this shit forever...

current mood: accomplished
current music: Crossfade - Cold

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Saturday, February 7th, 2004
11:12 pm - well..
I was just looking at how long its been since I've actually visited this thing. I blieve my last post was November 20th. Lots of things have happened since then. Mainly the only thing that is aggravating is EVERYONE telling me I'm the smartest kid they've ever met. The funny part is I'm # 4 in my graduating class and I have the effort of the lowest kid in our grade. If I actually applied myself to school I'd probably have the highest GPA this school has ever seen. For example, in my college government class, I don't even have the required book and we've taken 2 tests so far and written one essay and I have the highest grade out of all his students, college included. I think I might actually know more than the professor, but I don't really want to say anything to piss him off. I'm ready to get out of here though. I'm tired of all the peoople and the crap that goes on here.

current mood: bored
current music: Shinedown - In Memory

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11:12 pm - well..
I was just looking at how long its been since I've actually visited this thing. I blieve my last post was November 20th. Lots of things have happened since then. Mainly the only thing that is aggravating is EVERYONE telling me I'm the smartest kid they've ever met. The funny part is I'm # 4 in my graduating class and I have the effort of the lowest kid in our grade. If I actually applied myself to school I'd probably have the highest GPA this school has ever seen. For example, in my college government class, I don't even have the required book and we've taken 2 tests so far and written one essay and I have the highest grade out of all his students, college included. I think I might actually know more than the professor, but I don't really want to say anything to piss him off. I'm ready to get out of here though. I'm tired of all the peoople and the crap that goes on here.

current mood: bored
current music: Shinedown - In Memory

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11:12 pm - well..
I was just looking at how long its been since I've actually visited this thing. I blieve my last post was November 20th. Lots of things have happened since then. Mainly the only thing that is aggravating is EVERYONE telling me I'm the smartest kid they've ever met. The funny part is I'm # 4 in my graduating class and I have the effort of the lowest kid in our grade. If I actually applied myself to school I'd probably have the highest GPA this school has ever seen. For example, in my college government class, I don't even have the required book and we've taken 2 tests so far and written one essay and I have the highest grade out of all his students, college included. I think I might actually know more than the professor, but I don't really want to say anything to piss him off. I'm ready to get out of here though. I'm tired of all the peoople and the crap that goes on here.

current mood: bored
current music: Shinedown - In Memory

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11:07 pm - well..
I was just looking at how long its been since I've actually visited this thing. I blieve my last post was November 20th. Lots of things have happened since then. Mainly the only thing that is aggravating is EVERYONE telling me I'm the smartest kid they've ever met. The funny part is I'm # 4 in my graduating class and I have the effort of the lowest kid in our grade. If I actually applied myself to school I'd probably have the highest GPA this school has ever seen. For example, in my college government class, I don't even have the required book and we've taken 2 tests so far and written one essay and I have the highest grade out of all his students, college included. I think I might actually know more than the professor, but I don't really want to say anything to piss him off. I'm ready to get out of here though. I'm tired of all the peoople and the crap that goes on here.

current mood: bored
current music: Shinedown - In Memory

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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
9:35 pm
its been a while since I've updated. It has been about 2 months since I quit football and I still get shit from the coaches. The funny thing is that I laugh in their face and walk passed them with a million dollar smile on my face. School is going...slowly. I feel like I'm wasting my time at school now. The reason behind that is I spend half my day teaching MY Physics teacher how to workout problems that we are doing in class. I guess that's what I get for being too smart sometimes. Going to bed now...

current mood: accomplished
current music: Limp Bizkit- Behind Blue Eyes

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Thursday, October 9th, 2003
5:12 pm - bah
...I've never been so pissed off in my entire life. I hope Coach Hinds rots in hell. haha I quit. Yes me. I quit football. I never thought I'd say that in my ENTIRE life. It happened today. I finally said fuck the bullshit and walked out on them. Oh damn it was the DAY before the first district game who just happens to be our biggest rival. Well shit I just fucked our team for tomorrow tonight considering their whole game plan on defence was based on me. HAHAHAHAHA fuck you Hinds you piece of horse shit. I hope you die you bastard. I really do mean that for once. I've never met such an asshole in my life. He deserves to die for all the shit he's said to me. oh the best part about today is when I gave him the finger and told him to kiss my ass as I walked out the door.

current mood: pissed off
current music: Shinedown - Crying Out

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Thursday, October 2nd, 2003
9:15 pm - ah.
I just feel unwanted. Insignificant I guess would be more of a fitting word. I'm tired of all the little comments pointed at me. Someday I will be in a bad mood and someone will say something and I will literally snap and do something I'll regret. Usually I can control myself but its to the point where I don't want to anymore. I want to teach everyone a lesson. "You won't do anything" "Your Faking Hurt" "You are worthless"....someday all of the people who have said that will know pain. I have had it. No more taking crap from anyone. Its time for them to feel my pain. I can't stand people telling me that I'm faking my injury. If I could actually walk normally I guess I could play but I just physically can't walk. Well and if you can't walk its kinda hard to run wouldn't you think? I'll show all of them.

current mood: angry
current music: Sunset Black - Tming Is Reason

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Friday, September 26th, 2003
3:50 pm
well what can I say? I'm hurt all season. I quit the team so I don't have to see the coaches. I guess all I have left is my grades. I knew some people only liked me because I was the "star" of the team, but I didn't realize that some of my closer friends would just abandon me. Someday I'll look back on this point in my life and laugh, but for now it sucks. I am ready to graduate.

current mood: satisfied
current music: Blank Theory - Addicted

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Sunday, September 7th, 2003
11:28 am - blah
Well I'm still hurt. Given up on just about everything. Life Sucks.

current mood: aggravated
current music: Slipknot - My Plague

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Sunday, August 17th, 2003
11:42 pm - ...
I just wish I could go back in time just once. I wouldn't use it to go back and meet some famous person or to even stop my one true love from moving away. I would use it to change September 26th. That is when all the problems with my foot started. I broke it that dreadful night in Amarillo, Texas playing the Stratford Elks. I would just change that one play. I would move out of the way. Simple. My life would be so much easier right now. I would not of hurt it 2 more times after that either. I would be able to play my senior year. I just feel so empty without football. It's the only way I can let my true self out. I am a natural born leader out on the field. Everyone was depending on me and I just let them down. It's all my fault. I can't blame this on anyone or anything else. I guess its just time for me to hang up the pads and move on...but its just too hard to turn and run away from something I've lived for since 7th grade. From May until December all I can think about is football and now that is taken from me 2 years in a row. I have nothing left but to quit. What good am I? No one can understand what its like. Nothing else compares. If my whole family was to die I don't know if I'd be more depressed than I am now. Football was my life and dreams. I can't believe this...no football. I just wish I could change that one night. I'd give anything just to relive that game and change it. The emotions that run through you when you run through the sign and the Friday Night Lights engulf you. The band playing and the fans cheering you. For once in your life you feel like a god out on the field. 11 young men out playing their hearts out working together as one unit, but not me anymore I will be in the...stands...that just can't be. I must play. I have to play. Nothing can stop me anymore. I don't care if they have to take my foot. I will play god damnit. Every person on the Stratford Elk team better beware. Pain is Coming. #55 will feel pain like no other. I am going to take his head fucking off. I am going to rip his arms off and beat him to death. I will break every bone in his body for hurting me. He should've never touched me. He will want to die right there on the field when I'm done with him. I won't stop until he's on his knees crying and begging for mercy, but the question is: Will I Stop? No, I won't let his cries stop me. It will only fuel the fire. My Hate is getting the better of me. I can't stop now. He Will Pay

current mood: pissed off
current music: Unloco - Becoming I

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Friday, August 8th, 2003
9:24 am - rage...blind rage...
AAH,
I Can't think, I can't speak, I can't walk,
I've no control,
I Can't feel, I can't hope, I can't cope,
I've lost again,
Don't know, don't try, don't care,
It's not your style,
Can't crawl, can't breathe, can't see,
Right in front of you,

Right in front of you,

I Can't win, I can't lose, I can't choose,
A simple way,
I Can't go, I can't stay, I can't wait,
Another day,
I Don't need, I don't give, I don't feel,
Anything,
I Can't move, I can't hold, I can't swim,
It feels like you're drowning but

You're o.k., It takes you away,
You're o.k.,
It takes you... away,

You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,

I Can't think, I can't speak, I can't walk,
No control,
Can't crawl, you can't breath, you can't see,
Right in front of you,

Right in front of you,

You're o.k. ,
It takes you away,
You're o.k. ,
It takes you away,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,

You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
You feel it, you feel it, you feel it,
Inside,
Inside,
Inside,
Inside.


...what can I say? I feel nothing but rage. The Rage has swarmed over me to where I can't think straight and I shake because I must inflict pain. Coach Hinds will pay. He took my senior year of football and flushed it straight to hell. I won't stop until his head is on my shelf. I won't eat or sleep until he's begging for mercy. In the back of my mind I knew he would push my already broken foot with torn ligaments and tendons in it too hard. There was nothing I could say but "yes sir" or else everyone would be punished. Not only did I tell them that I hurt my foot again I couldn't even walk. "Oh its alright, its just sore" is all they can say to me? I'm the best player they have on the whole fucking team. Without me they will lose every damn game. They tape me up and tell me to go full speed on it. What do I do? Break 2 more bones and tear almost every ligament and tendon in my foot? Will I ever walk again? Maybe? I won't stop...he will feel pain like no other. I am too pissed to think otherwise. I don't care about anything anymore. I will laugh at him when he's hurting just like he did to me. I saw my hopes and dreams get drowned by his ignorance. Oh and now he has the nerve to tell me that I'm faking...god I will rip his heart out. Nothing can stop me now. He has pushed over the edge...I'm gone. I've snapped.


Bring the violence
It's significant
To the life
If you've ever known anyone
Bring the violence
It's significant
To the life
Can you feel it?

How do you sleep
When you live with your lies
Out of your mouth
Up from your mind
That kind of thinking
Starts a chain reaction
You are a timebomb ticking away
You need to release
What you're feeling inside
Let out the beast
That you're trying to hide
Step right up and be a part of the action
Get your game face on
Because it's time to play
You're pushing and fighting your way
You're ripping it up

How do you live without playing the game
Sit on the side and expect to keep sane
Step right up and be a part of the action
Come get a piece of it before it's too late
Take a look around
You can't deny what you see
Were living in a violent society
Well my brother let me show you a better way
So get your game face on because it's time to play
You're pushing and fighting your way you're ripping it up

So tell me what am I supposed to be
Another goddamn drone
Tell me what am I supposed to be
Should I leave it on the inside
Should I get ready to play

current mood: enraged
current music: Noise Therapy - Inside.....Disturbed - Violence Fetish

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Sunday, August 3rd, 2003
10:29 pm - uncontrolable
This is it. The Night Before Two-a-Days. The Night That Every Football Player Dreads. There is no mind state that can't prepare you for the hell you will go through. You Thought The Armed Forces Basic Training was hard...ha you haven't gone through anything. Words can't explain the emotions that are running through me at this moment...anxious, nervous, scared....anyone that has gone through two-a-days in Texas understands. Tomorrow will be the first week of Hell. I'm mentally prepared for it but phsycially I'm not sure. I know I can go through it mentally but physically I can only hope that I can withstand the intense pressure and strain that I will put it through. I will do my best which is all I was asked of by everyone. I won't let anyone down and I will play hurt with my foot although its torn ligaments and tendons will hold me back. I can't let this injury sideline me anymore than it already has. I must persevere through this tough time. The Friday Night lights make all this pain and suffering worth while. There is no other feeling than being under them. I only hope that I will come out on top of this...I am ready for Hell...BRING IT ON..I fear no pain...I am immune...Nothing can hurt me...I will survive...Only The Strong Survive

current mood: indescribable
current music: Flaw - Only The Strong

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Wednesday, July 16th, 2003
12:43 pm
only 3 weeks until two-days start. For those of you who don't know what two-days are here ya go. Two-days are football practices that last AT LEAST 3 hours long and it is nothing but running most of the time. Thats really all thats going on now but I gotta help my dad and bro load my dad's grill into the back of the truck so we can take it to his house later.

current mood: calm
current music: Sinch - To Die In Fall

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Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
10:34 pm
quick one here....went and saw Korn, Chevelle, Unloco, and a local band called Hydrid...all pwned big time especially Unloco. Even though I've seen them before they totally kicked ass. Not much else has happened...doctor won't release me (what a bitch). Coaches are pissed because I can't workout fullspeed but fuck them...without me they will lose everygame and they know it

current mood: cranky
current music: Deftones - Minerva

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Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
10:40 pm - bro's bday
well the 9th was my brother's bday and he had plans for the night so me and my mom went and ate lunch with him and thats basically all I've done since I've been out of school. Today I went and got braces for my ankles and another one to support my foot more. I can't wait until football season starts so I can knock some helmet with someone. I need to let out some built up aggression from all the stress. Blah but I have to go take the ACT Saturday which will suck a fat nut but thats all thats up in my life

current mood: annoyed
current music: Staind - Fray

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Saturday, May 10th, 2003
2:11 pm
Its Been a While since I've updated and I don't have much to say except that I fucked my right foot up again in Spring Football. What really sucks is its the same foot I broke September 26th of last year to end last years football season and this time I probably did the same thing...sucks but nothing I can do about it

current mood: aggravated
current music: Staind - Price To Play

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Sunday, April 13th, 2003
11:55 am - This Is How I feel
To my mother, to my father,
It's your son or it's your daughter
Are my screams loud enough for you to hear me?
Should I turn it up for you?

I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

The silence is what kills me
I need someone to help me
But you don't know how to listen
And let me make decisions 'cause I sit here locked
inside my head remembering everything you've said
The silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!
All your insults and your curses make
me feel like I'm not a person
And I feel like I'm nothing but
you made me so do something
Because I'm fucked up becuase you are
Need attention, attention you couldn't give
I sit here locked inside my head
Remembering everything you've said
This silence gets us nowhere!
Gets us nowhere way too fast!

current mood: aggravated
current music: Staind - For You

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