Back to blurty!
After one century, naupdate ko uli ang journal ko! Shux, dami na nangyari since journal #1 and dinelete ko na lang siya to make a new start. Hehehehe. Well just came from a very bad phase of depression. Kasi naalala ko lang ung nangyari sa kin dati sa pops. Kasi nung first year ako first sumali. As usual, tahimik ako dahil nga may masamang experience ako dati with people. Dati kasi confident ako kahit sa simula pero dahil dun sa mga taong yun, medyo naging insecure ako at hindi na ako kabilis mag trust.
Anyway fast forward, ok naman na ako with pops. Kilala ko na kung sino ung mga kahang out ko dun at kung sino ung mga true friends. Eto na may nag open up na new member. Siyempre, eto naman ako nakinig sa kaniya tapos ang fear niya daw is di siya masyadong maka relate dun sa ilang old members kasi feeling niya siya ung pinaguusapan. Its about her physical appearance kasi she's sort of chubby. Naku, an shock ako kasi lam ko napagusapan nga siya one time. Kasi parang sinasabi nung isang old member na baka di nga magtagal sa pops dahil nga medyo weak ung voice plus the fact pa nga na fat and may pagka nerd ung dating. So di ko naman masabi sa kaniya ng derecho kasi baka lalong ma hurt yung tao. Yun pala may sakit siya. Payat siya before dahil pinakita niya mga pics niya dati. May bulimia pala siya...mahirap un....anorexic and bulimic siya so sobrang conscious siya sa food tapos sinusuka niya. Dahil sa sobrang pag diet niya before nung bumalik siya sa dating eating habits niya, nag gain siya bigla ng 40 pounds.
Tapos nung kinukuwento niya un naalala ko na once napagusapan din ako sa pops by the same old members. DI ko naman nalaman directly at mas masakit un diba. Ewan ko...malakas kasi kutob ko pag ako pinaguusapan and usually totoo nga mga hinala ko. Tapos bigla na lang ako na depress kasi naalala ko ung mga days na un. Tahimik lang ako nun sa bandroom pero lam mo pag may ginagawa ko....nagtitinginan sila at iba ang ngiti. I think it has something to do with my actions. Kasi pinaghihinalaan akong....lam mo na. Well, di rin nagtagal nainis ako dahil dun. Umuuwi ako after tiring rehearsals na galit. Sa sobrang galit ko, inisip ko na quit na ko sa pops kasi di naman ako comfy with these few peeps.
Nainis lang ako how some people can be so judgemental. Kainis pa kaya kasi ung isa lesbian tapos ung isa gay. Duh never ko naman qinuestion ung lifestyle nila. I was never homophobic and i always kept an open-mind pagdating sa love relationships. Siguro nga na frustrate ako kasi ganun ako sa ibang tao pero ganun sila sa kin. I mean bakit nila kailangan ilagay sa isang box ang bawat tao. Bakit kailangan kang i classify at di na lang i accpet na unique ka just like anybody else.
Ok na ako with these peeps na may atraso sa kin kaya lang dahil naalala ko uli....parang sa loob loob ko...."kala niyo di ko na nakalimutan ung ginawa ko sa inyo dati". Tapos napansin nung head namin dati na naging depressed ako that day. Nung nag open up ako sa kaniya...napaiyak na lang talaga ako. As in iyak....parang ung 2 years kong tinago na galit biglang lumabas. May test pa ka nga kami after kaya un...as expected di ako nakasagot ng matino. Di ko pa nga natapos. pero na touch pa rin ako kasi there are some people like bloss (ung head namin dat) and si mark o na suporta naman sa kin. Not to mention the new members....kahit ngayon ko lang sila nakilala at mas bata sila...mas mature pa sila sa mga gurang na un nang backstab sa kin dati. Happy din ako kasi nakinig si ches that night sa kin.
Pero ngayon naman nakakahinga na ko. Balik pops ako mamaya and kaya ko uli harapin tong mga taong may atraso sa kin. Basta ako kakanta na lang ako dun at pakikisamahan ko mga members. As for the peeps na nambuwiset sa kin...well hayaan ko na lang ang diyos na magbigay ng hatol sa kanila (ang lalim). Ayokong mag-isip ng masama sa kanila kasi nga di maganda yun. Wish ko lang na mas maging open-minded sila kasi diba un din gusto nila sa ibang tao. Sila nga ung sexual preference nila di pa masyadong tanggap ngayon tapos biglang sila din pala judgemental sa ibang tao. Paano sila matatanggap ng ibang tao kung di rin silang marunong tumanggap ng iba. Bahala na si lord sa kanila.
As for now, ok na ko. Feeling ko pampalakas lang tong mga bagay na to. Motivation to make me work harder sa studies ko at sa pagkanta ko just to prove na kaya kong malampasan tong mga bagay na to.
Ayan comment na lang kayo. Minsan minsan lang ako mag update pero this time promise update ako whenever i can. Gusto ko rin kasi kayong maging involved sa buhay ko...lam mo na para sa advice...till next time....:-)
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