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Zacchaeus (zacchaeus) wrote,
@ 2003-07-10 14:03:00
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    Whoops!!!
    Sorry for neglecting my journal for so long! I have been happy downloading music and so forth....Very busy! Well, Tuesday turned out to be a very eventful day...some of my friend's know why but I don't particulary want to publish it on the web for fear of being slaughtered!

    I may believe in happiness now but I wonder how long it will last? I may just post the entry I was hpoing to post ages ago..but the server was down so I couldn't! I believe I wrote this on Tuesday morning? I can't really remeber but oh well, no one is going to sue me lol.

    How peculiar it is...Before I had only heard one of Dir en Grey song's, the forever famous 'Domestic Fucker Family' and I wondered what the in the fuck Kyo was saying, but now I have 13 songs of theirs and I can safely say that I like them very much. I also downloaded some of Miyavi's solo stuff, again, very contrasting from Due'le Quartz. Sort of rock combined with techno? His voice makes me laugh... Also downloading the legendary X Japan, I mean, what sort of J-Rock are you if you do not have at least one of their songs? I am actually downloading 'The Art of Life'. Jesus, how long does a song need to be? However, I have been told that it is worth it, at 29 minutes long it had better be after all this and it's only at 16%...

    I had a very beautiful conversation with Eddie on Monday and I can safely say that it was a very heart wrenching conversation, I felt proud to have been the receiver of that much affection. That is one of my problems you see, I am afraid of being alone, that is why I attempt to draw attention to myself. I think if anyone knew exactly how insecure I was they would send my to a clinic.... I actually am a very lonely person at heart and although I put a brave front on for the sake of my friends (I don't want them to worry about me), I sometimes feel like screaming at them about how depressed I am as soon as I get home from school.

    Sometimes I just think 'Fuck it, why don't I top myself' but then I think of my friend's and wonder, I wonder if they would miss me...Probably not, I think they actually find me incredibly annoying. I am a waste of extra space...no one really cares about me. Sometime perhaps I will express my feelings to them in person *Shrugs* but perhaps not. They will probably read this now and write me some 'heart felt' comment telling me that they love me really and come straight on MSN and talk to them about it. They will make me feel guilty, but I hope deep inside they will feel guilty for not realising that is the way I have been truly feeling for three years...

    I think I have failed my GCSE's, just a gut feeling, but then my gut feelings are usually right. I mean, I knew that something bad was going to happen to one of my family around two weeks ago and it did. My Grandad has had pains in his side and I again have a gut feeling that when the hospital results come through he is going to have something wrong with him. I don't want him to die or have to leave to go to a nursing home or something shit like that, I really love him because he is such a nice person and all the things he has done for me over the years makes me want to cry but I can't.

    I don't cry, I have known my friend's Tate and Candy for almost nine years and they have only seen me cry once and that was not properly, I was buried in Tate's shoulder. That was because they went away and Holy fuck, (no offence to my other friend’s) I was so fucking bored. The bond between me and my other friend's just isn't as deep as the bond between us three. I mean, I missed them so much I even started to dream about them being back in England. Next time they leave the country they are packing me in a suitcase to take with them.

    Enough of me whining, I shall now depart and if wants to find me I shall be on MSN...


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