Yulia (yuliag) wrote, @ 2006-08-12 22:11:00

Hey there!
Hey guys :)
How's your summer going?
For me it's been a strange summer... Very strange, and I can't tell if it's good or bad. A lot of bad news, but at the same time it's like the world around me is changing, I'm changing, and change is good. Well, that's my bright outlook on things, which I'm happy I finally got. After the last couple of years.

My old dog died. She was sixteen. One day she got sick, then despite the treatment, she was getting worse and worse every day. The blood test showed that some of her organs already gave up and there's no getting back. Too many shots, IV's, she couldn't drink, she couldn't pee, she barely walked... I'd lay next to her and look in her eyes that used to be black, but with age turned a strange shade of deep smoky-blue, and I'd whisper: "please live, don't die". And no matter how bad she was, she'd stay alive. Until I realized I have to let her go. Dima took us to the vet, it was his birthday, and my dog's funeral...

Sad news poured like rain... Deaths mostly - pets, people we knew, too many for such a short period of time... Won't be listing them all.

Finally Dima and I decided to break up. Well, honestly, the decision was his. We were talking about renting an apartment, since living at our apartment with my mom was getting tiring. And, then he got tense, said he wasn't sure about it, then he got talking...

See, he said the feelings weren't the same. Not like I found it obvious. Just a week before that we were taking a walk late at night, I was looking good after performing at a club, and he kept telling me how beautiful I was. After we came home, he hugged me so tight and said: "you're mine, nobody can take you away from me." It felt so good. We were going to go to the beach on wednesday, because I always work on weekends, and the weather was beautiful. Instead, on Wednesday he came over and said that he was very tired, wanted to be alone, didn't want to date anyone for a while, just live his life, sort things out, work his job, be free...

Commitment-phobic? I always thought I was commitment-phobic in this relationship. And it's not like I was insisting on living together, we shared the idea even talked about him buying his own apartment, and if things don't work out between us he could rent it to someone to pay the mortgage.

Feelings do change, after you've been together for two and a half years, you get used to each other. I've had my ups and downs with my feelings too, I've had them all the time!

Then I've realized that I have indeed been exhausting. Calling him in the middle of the night, getting jealous, complaining all the time about my depressions, whining and demanding. Dima said he was tired of compromising. What compromising?! Doesn't that imply two people giving up something? What have I given up for him? It's always been him doing things for me, spending money on me, adoring me, treating me well. The only thing I sacrificed something was when he cheated and I forgave him. Well, with a caring guy like that, who wouldn't? When I was broke, he paid for me, when I was messy, he cleaned for me, he cooked for me, he ironed my clothes, he took care of me when I was sick, he'd buy me gifts for no reason. He was the one who always tried hard, no matter he'd get tired. I've be perpetually unsatisfied with everything he did...

But it taught me a lesson. It took me about 24 hours to come to a conclusion that I MUST let it go. I need to be alone, I need to work on myself, I have to learn how to be caring, how not to be selfish, how to keep my room clean if people I care for find it important, how to actually compromise rather than demand everything for myself and pretend I'm the princess in this house. I want to change, but I don't want to get back to our relationship the way it was. It got stuck, it had to change to a new stage (like if we moved in together), but we had no common goal, like family, marriage, kids, neither of us wanted that any time soon... I was getting bored with how stuck we were in that relationship. But to live together, we have to be people who CAN live together, and I'm hard to live with. My former rommates know that very well! Even if there is any getting back together - definitely not until I change, and that will take time...

Time will show. You never know where your heart turns to... I just hope it's not gonna be like with the Moscow Boy - couldn't let go of him for so many years...

We decided to stay friends. On one hand it's hard to break up, on the other hand, I feel a bit of relief... An opportunity to get myself together, get my life back on track, get my freedom back. I'm not heart-broken, and that means I'm ready to go on.

sweet_as_candy_ 2006-08-14 13:30 (link)

But to live together, we have to be people who CAN live together But didn't you say that you were bored with how stuck you two were in the relationship also? He has to be not someone you can live with (even after you clean up your life), but someone you can't live without. At the same time, you still want to be independant and be able to hold your own ground. I believe, and i think you do also, a guy should only enhance your life, not be your life. XOX Ms. Talkative (Reply to this) (Thread)

jetsetjunkie 2006-09-12 05:24 (link)

I haven’t checked back here for the longest time, since you left for myspace! What a pleasant surprise to see that you have updated! Anyway, a tired relationship is frankly, a waste of time; you are right in being positive about the breakup. Think of the possibilities out there, things you can do with your freedom! So here’s a big virtual hug for you – for posting in blurty, for finally being a dance instructor, for starting a new life! Take care, cheers! (Reply to this) (Thread)