Yulia (yuliag) wrote, @ 2005-07-08 15:24:00

Just a year ago I was so happy, continuously happy. Happy, happy, happy... I mean I'm generally a happy kind of person, the kind that doesn't get headaches and is always ... well, happy. Even during my down times, I knew just what to do - reliable little secrets to pick myself up at any moment. I would go for a walk, or I would put on music, or I would stretch, or I would light my candles. My little magic spells have always worked.... Not anymore.

Everything makes me cry. Even the air I breathe. It makes me sad. It's like an ocean of sadness flooded my brain. That happens in winter, during the dark days, I know it's the seasonal stuff, but it's never EVER happened in the summer! I get sick all the time. I get tired all the time. I get angry all the time. When I cross the street I wish a car would just hit me so all of it would just end. It drives the drivers crazy! I get scared of myself sometimes.

I don't have time for my friends, and even if I do get to meet them, if I ever have a spare hour, I'm afraid I'll snap and act rude. I've been alone for too long, I've forgotten what it's like to be considerate. Even dance doesn't make me happy anymore. Well, I still enjoy it, but it's become my prison cell - it's the reason why I'm here, and it is to blame... If it weren't for dance, I could just leave it all behind and go home and be happy again, but I can't because I can't enough of it - dance... I know I'll never be perfect, nobody is, but it's my chance to get closer, and closer, every day, every class I get better. It is an obsession, I can't stop. I know I'll miss it crazy when I go, but the rest of the day is hell... Every day is hell...

	poe 2005-07-10 10:46 (link)
	Hi Yulia. I haven't been around lately, so I don't know if this is a one-off or a recurring feeling for you.... but I'm planning on reading back on your entries, and finding out what's going on. I hope today is a good day for you. Please don't hurt yourself. poe/ (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: yuliag 2005-07-11 03:26 (link)

Well I've had my down days generally in life, and I knew how to cope with it - a good workout/dance class or just walking outside and I'm so happy like I'm going to explode. And you know, it mostly happened in the winter season. But recently, since about May, it's been getting worse, because nothing helps. I still enjoy dancing, but once the class is over I get overwhelmingly sad. And it's summer! I know what's wrong - it's because I get too stressed at work and I'm too busy to do anything besides work and dance, so I rarely get to spend time with people. I starts to literally drive me crazy. I'm holding on though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	boycrazygrl747 2005-07-10 22:54 (link)
	i'm sorry you've been so down lately... maybe the loneliness is setting in. i mean, you know you're leaving there in a while, and for now that means you're stuck in a job that bugs you far away from Dima and much of your family. (or that's what i thought, anyway...) hope you've started feeling better. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: yuliag 2005-07-11 03:19 (link)

Yes, I've had my college friends come over for weekend, took them around Moscow, and it was so wornderful. I realized that I'm just so busy I lack real human communication, just like during the college days. But if I haven't been in Moscow I wouldn't have had a chance to meet with my girls, because my home island is very hard (and expensive) to reach :)) Thanks for your nice words, sweety! :) (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

thursday_next 2005-07-11 16:35 (link)

*объятие* If you don't feel better soon, please go and see a doctor. It is possible you may be clinically depressed, and there is absolutely no shame in taking medication for it. It happened to me three times. If you want to know any of the self-help techniques I developed, leave a comment on my journal, because otherwise I'm likely to clutter up your post. I do hope you feel better soon. (Reply to this) (Thread)

yuliag 2005-07-21 06:21 (link)

Well, I hope I can avoid seeing a doctor, I don't really trust them very much, and I don't have enough money anyway! I'm not even insured! :) I've thought about taking some counseling if my summer keeps going on like that, in fact I realize I need to talk to someone about it. No meds though, I generally avoid taking meds. Not that I think it's wrong, I'm just always paranoid about the side effects. I'd appreciate it if you share your tips though, where in your journal did you want to leave a comment? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thursday_next 2005-07-21 17:12 (link)
	Tell you what. I'll put up a post about depression at the weekend, and if I don't remember, feel free to remind me. I know there are other people interested. Feel free to talk to me about it if you want. You can contact me via my LJ e-mail (miss_next@livejournal.com). I've been through it, so I can understand where you're coming from. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

akrosita2000 2005-07-16 17:35 (link)

Sorry you're feeling so sad... Hope our visit with Dina made you feel a little bit better. I really enjoyed it. I wish we could see each other more because now I realize how email does not replace face-to-face communication. I am at Dina's place right now getting ready to leave soon (my plane leaves LA at 8 PM). I had a lot of fun during this trip, especially with my dad. I also decided it was a good idea to bring my sis with me. Even though we fight sometimes, it was a lot easier to have two of us on the thirteen-hour flight and walking around the city. Enough about me... I know you will get better because that's just the way you are, you enjoy life way too much. :) I wish I had the kind of steps to help depression like yours. I just go shopping or eat chocolate, while you do something more healthy like dance or stretch. You will feel a lot better when you get back to your city, friends, and your boyfriend, of course :) Anyway, better go now. Email me later! I'll send you pics soon. (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: yuliag 2005-07-18 03:27 (link)

Hey, I wanted to tell you how much it meant for me that you and Dina came for a visit, it totally brought me back to life. It was fun, thank you so much for coming over. After you girls left I went shopping and suddenly I wanted stuff, which hasn't happened to me for a while. I has some cash with me and ended up spending almost $200! But it's OK, because I never go shopping anymore, I just don't want anything. All that variety and nothing usually attracts me. Too much is too much. Anyway, after spending the weekend with you, I've decided to spend more time outside, walking and just enjoying what I can enjoy. You and Dina reminded me how Moscow can be enjoyable. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

sweet_as_candy_ 2005-07-19 01:29 (link)

Sorry you are not feeling well. What usually helps me get through tough times is to think (for example, in work or school situations), that it will be over before I know it. For you, maybe it would help to think something like "this much longer, if I just hold up, and then I'll be back home, doing what I want, happy, and these dance lessons and the time will have paid off." Love! Ms. Talkative on her new blurty account ;) (Reply to this) (Thread)

yuliag 2005-07-21 06:25 (link)

Hey girlie, I haven't been around much, I've just only noticed that I haven't yet added you to my friends list yet, I don't know what I've been thinking. I'm trying to get back to being myself. I've dealt with depression years ago and after that I've developed my ways of coping with it, they'd always work for me. However this time it's been too much, I'm thinking of getting some counseling, if I can afford it. I've got a couple of unresolved issues that won't make me sleep. Haven't you taken counseling too? Did it do any good? What do you think? Hugs and thanks for your support (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

sweet_as_candy_ 2005-07-21 23:05 (link)

I have been in counselling most of my life, and I am now seeing the most amazing psychologist. I definately recommend one to you because they help you face your problems head on, give you hope, and help you call on your inner strengths. Before you start paying for one, shop around a bit for one that has a high level of education in the area of psychology, knowledge, and that you are comfortable with. Psychiatrist are usually covered under OHIP here (as part of living here under the health card), I'm not sure about over there, but find out. Thing is, if you don't get at the root of the issue and find out what is causing these feelings, it's going to be challenging to overcome them - and that's why even when think you have overcome them, the issues may come back to haunt you if it's not solved properly. Or, new issues can arrive. Either way, counsellors are amazing, psychologists in particular. If you need a friend to talk to, you can always email me, for help, advice, or just to talk, anything. I'll leave my email address for a few days in a post ;) I hope things work out for you. All the best. Oh, and by the way, I was talking to a guy a while ago who owns a store in Toronto, who's orginally from Russia, Moscow, and I thought of you :) Oh, and forget leaving my email address like a lunatic in a post, I'll email it to you. Ha ha, you can't get away. lol! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	(Anonymous) 2005-07-29 15:20 (link)
	Yulia, how are you? What has happened in your life? Don´t forget about us!! (Reply to this) (Thread)