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Kitty (youwillsee) wrote,
@ 2003-07-23 12:51:00
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    Current mood: contemplative
    Current music:dashboard confessional --Jamie (cover)

    Alright, life takes the piss lately. Maybe I'll write more about things thata re happening later.
    Today I got laughed at by the chinese at China Wok when i went to pick up food with my brother in the car, i think they are on to me.
    those crafty motherfuckin chinese. i think they can read my mind.
    i swear i heard the guy say 'dfsfg dagfdfr svvxcdfw sbvifng LOSER dfgoij sadoijg'.
    Well then I went for a walk by myself, and I found myself turning every understandable thought i had into a poem that I'd quickly recite to myself and then completely forget.
    was just odd.
    I was gonna go walk at 3 a.m when I woke up but I was a bit scared. plus no doubt my mom would have heard me. but you know? fuck it, it didn't matter at that moment.
    But see, I don't like walking alone in the dark without having someone to hold on to really close, that way if i get grabbed on to by some scary motherfucker, i can be like, hah, youre comin with me.
    Actually though, I wouldn't mind it if i had a knife with me or something, but I don't so..yeah..I waited until about 6;45 a.m before I took off walking.
    so then i got online and had a very interesting conversation with someone which has really got me thinking now.
    does it really matter how well we live as long as life feels like its worth living?
    I kept asking myself this over and voer until I realzied, no, it doesn't, but there is such a thing as survival and nobody ever got anything worth getting handed to them without a bit of effort.
    and frankly, at this point, i dont know if I want to be a computer engineer, i dont know what the fuck i want to do, but i know whatever it is im not going to enjoy myself, and that realization fucking blows, because ive spent most of my life not enjoying myself, the part of my life where its supposed to be easy to do, i managed to fuck it up.
    meh. I think too much.
    but i must go on.hmmm
    what is worth getting besides waking up and looking forward to the rest of your day?
    gr. well, I had a conversation today early with someone. I fidn this to be one of the most important covnersations i have ever had with this person.
    Try to guess if you think you know who it is.
    BTW if you read this no rude comments...please.

    Somebody told me:
    ?: you have no idea what you want..but dont assume it's not something you'll enjoy, stop trying so damn hard! it'll come to you and dont get all bitchy in the meantime i know that's a hard thing to take in...but that's just the way it is the world is not against you.
    cryofthesword: its not the world
    cryofthesword: its myself
    cryofthesword: im not retarded, i know im doing it to myself
    cryofthesword: but that doesnt mean i can just stop
    ?: then shut the fuck up
    ?: get over yourself
    ?: savor the small stuff
    ?: don't thirst for more
    ?: enjoy the taste of what you're getting
    ?: live in that
    cryofthesword: dont thirst for more?
    ?: and that will become pervasive
    cryofthesword: isnt that what drives us?
    ?: no
    ?: not until you let it become you
    cryofthesword: how can you honestly say dont thirst for more?
    ?: you can't thirst for more until you know what it is you are already tasting
    ?: and you can't want it before it's time
    cryofthesword: its an easy thing to say, its easy to spout off about savoring the small stuff and enjoying the moment and blahdi blahdi dah, but saying and doing are two incredibly different things
    ?: the difference between joy and happiness
    ?: and the only thing keeping you from doing is your own fear of the fleeting
    cryofthesword: fear of the fleeting?
    ?: yeah
    ?: that it will be gone and you'll never get that again
    ?:Expect nothing. Live frugally
    On surprise.
    become a stranger
    To need of pity
    Or, if compassion be freely
    Given out
    Take only enough
    Stop short of urge to plead
    Then purge away the need.
    Wish for nothing larger
    Than your own small heart
    Or greater than a star;
    Tame wild disappointment
    With caress unmoved and cold
    Make of it a parka
    For your soul.
    Discover the reason why
    So tiny human midget
    Exists at all
    So scared unwise
    But expect nothing. Live frugally
    On surprise.

    cryofthesword: those are just words, words are easy, words are as light as feathers, anyone can say anything, they can say all you have to do is this or all you need is that, but the truth of the matter is in the end they are just words
    ?: words can bleed
    cryofthesword: i can say anything i want, i can create and destroy, intrigue and incense, i can do anything i want with words, which is exactly why they dont have any real meaning
    ?: Please, if you continue, remember first that words can bleed. ~ The Dante Club
    ?: bullshit Dixy
    ?: and you know that's fuckin bullshit
    cryofthesword: no it isnt, i do it myself, i say things just because i know what it will do, it has no meaning, it has no fucking purpose, it doesnt have any great eureka behind it, they are just words.
    cryofthesword: words are just words
    cryofthesword: and you have to take them at face value
    ?: that's crap
    ?: face value?
    ?: face value means that f -a-c-e v-a-l-u-e is all the registers in your breain when i say that
    cryofthesword: no, it means that it means what it means
    ?: then why do people still talk about certain poems and books and quotes hundreds of years after they were written?
    cryofthesword: because words still sound good
    ?: fine.
    ?: you're being goddamn ridiculous and you know it
    ?: your logic is coming from your ass
    ?: to quote monty python
    cryofthesword: you cant sit there and tell me that that poem you just showed me
    cryofthesword: im supposed to instantly feel some sort of eureka and change my life around
    cryofthesword: it doesnt work that way
    ?: no i dont use it as a eureka
    ?: i never do
    ?: i think that's trite
    ?: to hand someone a book or poem or whatever and expect it to change his life
    cryofthesword: words cant be applied, there is something deeper than words, there is something that words cant even get close to touching
    ?: no shit
    cryofthesword: that is where the real change has to be applied, that is where the real power comes from and the real bleeding begins
    ?: i'm well aware of that
    ?: and that's on you
    cryofthesword: words are so impossibly distant from that
    ?: and all you are doing is bitching and whining and making fuckin excuses
    ?: not impossibly
    ?: never impossibly
    cryofthesword: words are a temporary fix, i tell myself that i dont care, and yeah, maybe it works for a day or two, i can tell myself that i have to savor the little things, and maybe i will, for a little while, but in the end, the change has to come from inside, not from something i read or see or hear, not from something i tell myself or something i try and brainwash myself into believing
    ?: fine.
    ?: whatever dear
    ?: then let it happen for christ's sake
    ?: i'm not saying it's going to come out of any single thing
    cryofthesword: ive been trying, i dont want to be this fucking whiny bitch, i dont want to come home every night wondering what the fuck im missing out on, i dont want to wake up every morning wondering if this day is going to suck, i want to just enjoy myself, but i dont know how the fuck to do it
    ?: and i can't tell you.
    ?: but the first thing you can do
    ? is stop fuckin bitching
    ?: even if you feel like bitching
    ?: dont
    ?: cause frankly it's rather unbecoming of you
    cryofthesword: really?
    cryofthesword: its unbecoming?
    cryofthesword: i havent noticed
    ?: honestly
    ?: it's making me not even have the desire to talk to you right now
    cryofthesword: then dont, because i dont know how to not bitch, i dont know how to just chit chat and shoot the shit, the things on my mind are the things on my mind, not with you, and theyre always on my mind, i dont know what i have to do to get rid of them, if i drink and it doesnt work, hell, what do i do then? i dont know, FUCK, im just, im tired of thinking, im tired of caring, im tired of knowing and feeling and believing, because all it does is turn me into this fucking specter of myself
    ?: you know what
    ?: i dont know what the fuck happened to you in the last week or two...but you've totally gone off the damn deep end
    ?: bitching about life and some problems is one thing
    ?: but you're ridiculous right now
    ?: and I do know that im the person you bitch at more
    cryofthesword: true. and I'm sorry for that
    cryofthesword: it was just the idea of having something to look forward to that i latched myself onto
    ?: oh i could have told you that along time ago
    cryofthesword: now its like i have all this shit hanging over my head, and im dealing with it, i can deal, but its just the... i dont know, like, tonight, i will hear 20 more times before i fall asleep "dude what the fuck is your problem?" and "are you ok?"
    cryofthesword: i dont know, FUCK, i dont know, i need to figure out how to fix me
    ?: well...i dont know what to say to you...there's NOTHING i can say
    ?: it's all within you
    ?: but I care for you..and I'll try to be here for you but now I know how brett feels. Sometimes you're just too much to deal with.

    And then "?" logged off.
    Or blocked me.
    I guess I AM just too much to deal with sometimes eh?
    Sorry for those of you who deal with me... later

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2003-07-24 03:17 (link)
haha.. you updated! woooo!
those darn chinese!
oh.. yeah, taking random walks at night arent that fun here unless you have someone with ya.
plus.. fucking cops... always on everyones asses.. they're everywhere..


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2003-07-25 13:49 (link)
haha seriously.
damn pigs

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