Tina Toledo's Street Walkin' Blues (yodelayhayhoo) wrote, @ 2007-02-08 01:14:00

Current mood:	sick and dizzy
Current music:	Boys Will Be Boys -- Goldfrapp (oh how appropriate...)

If you're not tired of me yet... you will be soon.


Hi. Welcome to my party of self-pity and loathing. Now let's get started.



• My crush in jr high: {To his laughing friends, who held his arms while he pretended to lunge at me} "Hold me back, guys! I just want to make love to her on the gymnasium floor, RIGHT NOW! She's so hot... Uh!" [Note: This was one of many incidents wherein I was mocked and made fun of and treated like I was less than human because I was unattractive and overweight.]



• Vince, my first 'boyfriend' at age 15: "I only asked you to be my girlfriend so you'd have sex with me. That's why I'm breaking up with you. You won't put out!"



• David, my h.s. best friend's ex: {talking to me on the phone for the 1st time} "Wow... You have an incredibly sexy voice! I could get off right now just from listening to you talk. You've already got me hard. I haven't even really been listening to what you've been saying... I just love how you sound."



• Rodrigo: {laughing} "You really believed all that stuff I said about wanting to date you?? And all those lame mushy, lovey-dovey emails -- dude, I was pretending to care! C'mon, Amanda, you're a smart girl! I can't believe you didn't figure out what that was all for. You should've known better than to think I actually LIKED you. I just like the way you get me off. If you're not gonna be doing that anymore, I don't have any reason to keep you around."


Before and between all of those, literally hundreds of guys to reinforce what I'd discovered about what I'm 'good for'. First-time Phone Sex Guy. F. (from Lit). Robert. Chris V. Dallas. Randy. Kyles 1, 2, and 4. Todd from the Senate. Scott.

Time after time, being told that you're just useful for getting off... eventually it starts to sink in, y'know? And the few guys that treat me well? They're obviously just better at hiding their intentions, and eventually they'll betray me if I trust them; they'll prove to be just like the others.

Lesson learned. No man will ever love you and stick around without sex.

Amanda... Why do you even try to fool yourself? Think about it. Think about what they've said, so many, many times.

~ You're actually pretty annoying, when we're not having phone sex.

~ You're not doing that anymore? Regular conversation? Oh... Yeah. Hey, I actually kind of have a headache, so I think I'm gonna go to bed, but we'll talk again soon, okay?

~ Of course we can talk about other stuff besides sex. But don't blame me if I get so turned on that I can't think about anything else. You do that to me. // (after about five minutes of conversation about other stuff) Just out of curiosity... Are you wearing panties right now?

~ Man that was hot. Thanks for the sex. I know I said we'd talk afterward, but I'm pretty tired, and I'm sure we probably wouldn't have much to talk about, anyway... but thanks again! You were great.

Yes, this is my own fault. Yes, I probably asked to be treated that way. No, I never demanded to be treated well, or even expected it. No, I probably didn't deserve anything more than what I got. I obviously brought this all on myself.

...Somehow that does NOT make it less painful. Not in the least.



I HATE THAT I'M FULL OF LIES.

I HATE THAT I KNOW THE TRUTH AND YET STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

I HATE THAT I'M SCREWED UP BEYOND BELIEF, AND FINALLY HAVE SOMEONE TO WANT TO BE HEALTHY FOR, AND I CAN'T JUST FIX MYSELF AND BE WHAT HE NEEDS.

MOST OF ALL, I HATE THAT I CAN KEEP HURTING MYSELF... AND JUSTIFY IT EVERY TIME.

	capmonkey 2007-02-08 21:28 (link)
	Man, you dated some pretty fucked up boys. Good thing you're a woman now. That means you can date men. You know, the more mature version of boys who stick around for things other than sex. We're cooler, I promise. (Reply to this) (Thread)

yodelayhayhoo 2007-02-12 05:39 (link)

Haha, I never dated anybody. I've never had a boyfriend (oh, well, okay, the guy I referred to as my first boyfriend was someone I "went out with", but we didn't go on DATES, really -- it was mostly in name only), aside from Seth, and that's not a traditional relationship like what you'd think of when you hear the word 'boyfriend'. We haven't gotten to go on dates. Yet. But anyway, yeah, I guess they were pretty screwed up...? Except it's hard for me to believe that it was them who were the screw-ups, and not me, since I was the one being ridiculed and used and all of that. But whatever. It's in the past; now I just have to learn how to let it go and move on. And for me, that's the hardest part. : \ Thank you, David. You give me hope that there really are awesome guys out there. ♥ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

boycrazygrl747 2007-02-09 00:31 (link)

NO, this is not your fault. and NO, you did NOT ask for this. just because you responded to manipulative people in a certain way that they encouraged does not put you at fault; they shouldn't have lead you down this road in the first place. if a man really does love you, he'll gladly stick around without the sex. you just need to realize that there are some really good guys out there... you just have to go through a LOT of bad ones to get there. by the time you find the good ones? yeah, you're all messed up in the head with baggage from the past. and if he loves you, he'll be there to help you sort out all the baggage, not judge you for any of it, and love you anyway. (Reply to this) (Thread)

yodelayhayhoo 2007-02-14 23:38 (link)

Cher, I meant to thank you for this comment forever ago. It meant a LOT to me. Thank you so much. : ] The problem with this is that I know you're entirely right; there are guys out there who would stick with it for a girl who's worth it. But it's the "girl who's worth it" part that gets me. If my baggage were the only thing, maybe I'd be able to believe I could be worth the trouble... but there's so many other reasons that make me doubt that. Even with Seth having loved me for so long, through all the crap I've put him through, there's still a huge part of me that says it can't possibly last, and that when we meet in person he'll realize that he deserves better, etc. I guess it all comes down to, I have to exorcise these demons of self-hatred and self-doubt if I'm ever going to be able to love with all my heart the way I want to... and the way my husband (hopefully Seth) will deserve. I know I'm strong enough to do it, I just have NO idea how long that's going to take. I may be forty by the time I'm able to really let someone love me, and bleah. I don't know. Anyway, thank you so much. ♥ (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Oh honey. antisocialme 2007-02-09 23:01 (link)

Guys are fucking jerks. We all know this. You seem to have found the cream of the crop when it comes to losers. Karma is a bad thing when it's negative, believe me when I tell you that those boys will get exactly what they deserve. Someone will hurt them like they hurt you, it's just how it works. For now, focus on who you want to be and then be that person. That's all it takes. You didn't ask for that to happen and it's not your fault. Never ever blame yourself. They took advantage of you. You're wonderful and I love you!! xoxoxox *MUAH!* (Reply to this) (Thread)

Re: Oh honey. yodelayhayhoo 2007-02-14 23:44 (link)

For now, focus on who you want to be and then be that person. I know that's exactly what I need to be doing... I just have to get past blaming myself. What you said ("Never ever blame yourself. They took advantage of you.") rarely helps, because I think, "But I'm the one who let them take advantage of me. I was stupid enough to let it happen." I know it's all wrong, but it's going to take time and a lot of help from my therapist to change that line of thinking, I'm pretty sure. But thank you so much for thinking I'm wonderful! I happen to think the same of you! I love you back! x♥x♥ P.S. Happy Valentine's Day!!! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)