Tara (xxtara_yayxx) wrote, @ 2004-03-25 13:45:00

i just lost the entry i was writing
i wrote a lot
about why it shouldn't be bad
about my fun weekend
about the hookah bar with the ladies on friday and the interesting guys who wanted to take us to DC
about how i got my hair done before i went out on saturday and how zed is so damn hot and he makes me feel a million times hotter.
and the "persian party" on saturday when i got to see my cousins parisa and ashkan and their friend na-na who is 6'7'' and pretty damn cute. and they all know jamaal. so we laughed because he is parisa's ex.
and then how i left the party to go to rachel's and brian was there and richard and karen, too. and we rolled. and it didn't work until we broke out the liquor. and then rachel and i started taking off clothes. haha. and brian started macking on karen.
and then sunday i went home and my 14 year-old brother came home in a cop car. and it was really funny more than anything else.
and my weekend was so fun and so...good. it was with people i like and i care about and i enjoy. and i wasn't sad.


but now here i am.
i think i should go back to the hospital. wow. do i really?
FUCK YOU BIPOLAR. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU.

who am i kidding? the weekend was a diversion. if i have enough energy, i create diversions. i try. i avoid. i'm good.

i will divert my attention from this one i love. i love him. he is going away to college in the fall.
i'm not.
it is pathetic that instead of trying to develop a friendship or a semblance of a relationship with this boy, i have given up. i have begun to miss him, when i see him everyday. i have never even told him how i feel. but i guess that's because part of me knows i don't have to.

i love my friends. i was thinking today that it's important to have good friends while you're alive so people will remember you when you die. or at least care when they find out.

what a morbid bitch i am.

LOVE^
i guess

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