|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||staind - for you|
dammit. apologies for my long entry.
this is a depressing entry. and lots of swearing. if you dont feel like reading my sad and rather poopy entry, just dont. ill love you anyways.
im so sick of living here. i cant stand it. all i can do when im here is sit in my room. i never go into my house. im always in my room, away from them. they make my life hell. i walk through my house and notice what a shithole it is. my family is just sick people.
this morning my brother picked me up from my friends house without even calling first. then he expected me to be outside when he got there. how the fuck was i supposed to know? i wasnt even fucking AWAKE yet. and then he takes me home, where i hate to be, and my moms bitching starts. I CANT STAND THIS PLACE ANYMORE. i realllly cant. im not a depressed kid looking for some way out, i just need to be happier then this. and i cant being around them. unless they stop this madness.
So this is what just happened...mickey comes over, she wants to go on a walk with me, and i wanna go with her...so i was gunna get dressed but i was trying to help my friend with a problem so i thought mickey could come in and wait for me to get dressed or whatever. so the doorbell rings and before i can get it my mom answers it and screams "WHAT!?" or "WHAT DO YOU WANT" or something like that to mickey. and then starts telling her why shes upset and starts crap talking me, bullshitting the whole story. poor mickey is down there just like confused, because she didnt do anything wrong. why does one of my bestfriends deserve that? NONE OF MY FRIENDS DESERVED TO BE YELLED AT, ESPECIALLY MICKEY. So she comes upstairs and then my mom YELLS at me again for some shit. and by then i just cant take her crap so i just like fall over on my bed and mickey decides she should go which was probly the best idea because i didnt want her to see me get all emotional and stuff. so she goes outside and my mom "apologizes" to her or whatever. and my mom wanted me to come outside and stuff. i dunno why i wouldnt. i just refused, because i was embarrassed. my mom full-blown embarrassed me in the worst way possible. and im so sorry mickey for acting like that. i just felt weird since you saw my mom act like that. and me react. thats not even as bad as it usually is. i was going to help her, but she told me not to bc i would get in the way. then she yells and me and you because i wouldnt help her? what is wrong with her?
I know why my first days of summer have been going so great. not only because ive been hanging around awesome, awesome people...but because ive been away from home. away from them.
I cant figure out what to do. Family counseling doesnt work. talking to them doesnt work, nothing gets through to them.
All i can do is confide in my journal and close friends. one of my bestfriends told me "sure its nice to talk to us, and confide in us, because we do care, we care more then anything, but theres just so much we can do about the situation. we cant just be like 'stop alli's family!'"...i totally understand that.
me and my moms relationship is so weird. sometimes(well, on occasion) we will act like the best of friends. then the rest of the times she has these psycho episodes and bitchfests...or shes fighting with my dad(most of the time) and yelling at my brother the others. grr.
for now, ill just try to be away as much as possible, and ill sleep outside.
i love you all. and mickey, thanks for putting up with it.
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