|Current mood:|| angry|
|Current music:||silence never felt so good.|
blah times a lot
in frickin class right now. its amazing how boring this class can really be. i wish it would die. i might stab myself in the eyeballs with my pen. just maybe.
last night was incredibly.. horrible. i dont really know what to do about anything anymore. fuck, i dont even know why im thinking the things i am. lately i havent been giving a shit about school, homework, studying, etc. i dont know, im not even worried about if my grades are dropping. i mean, think about it. every single one of us is brought up to believe that we cant do anything with our lives or be happy without doing good in school. i dont know if thats true for everyone, but its definitely drilled into my head. my parents lead me to think that if i dont make all a's, then im going to work at mcdonalds, have 2524 kids by the time im 20, and never be happy. just recently ive started to disagree with that. a lot. so, i have been getting online everyday when im not supposed to, talking to julie, who come on people lets be honest, is my only friend. my mom caught me online and made me come up and talk to my dad. for the first time in my life, i didnt care. i didnt care if i was going to get screamed at, grounded, whatever. i just walked up to their room, and took it all in. i stood there for 15 minutes, silent. i was absorbing every single word he said.
"taylor, i dont know what to do anymore. you sit at that damn computer for hours at a time, wasting time doing nothing. what is so damn important about spending that much time online?? i dont know what to do. we ground you, restrict you from that computer, and you continue to get on it. you know, you never try anything in life. you have failed at everything you tried. *mockingly shouts* oh! lets count alllll the things taylor has failed. 1. piano 2. volleyball 3. softball 4. guitar. taylor, im not going to let you spend all your time locked away downstairs. do you think being good at getting online is going to get you somewhere? im sick of having this speech with you. i love you, and i just want you to be great at something."
no. he just wants me to be like everyone else. because hes ashamed that im not.
when he went on about how stupid me getting online is, i wanted to scream, cry, argue, choke. i wanted to tell him that he has absolutely no fucking idea about me, or who i am, or what i want to be. because he never tries to find out. i wanted to tell him that his only daughter is a fucking loser with no friends and the only one she does have can only talk to her online. thats how much of a failure she is. but im glad. im glad that julie is my only friend, and i just wish he would understand that im not going to be some great athelete, musician, or whatever, just because he was in high school. get. over. it.
i hate crying myself to sleep. especially last night. i honestly dont think i can make it two more years here. i wish he would hit me, so i could live somewhere else. how sad is that?! i wanna just fucking leave. i went to the bookstore and found tons of books on relocating to new york. i think i said that before, but just wanna tell you again. my dad told me when i move out, he wasnt going to help me out with money. at all. and i really do think he was serious. he told me if i wanted it so bad, i could get a job. i am fucking getting a job then. you just watch me. im going to save all my money, and work harder than any mother fucker you've ever seen, just so i can one day go see julie and live in new york.
im going to leave in the middle of the night, without saying goodbye.
and i wont tell them where im going.
i hope they die.
ok, im sorry. i have to stop before i start crying in class. people are already looking at me, wondering why im hitting the keys so hard.
until next time..
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