| Current mood: |  crushed |
| Current music: | Chevelle..."The Clincher" |
Well it has been a few days since I have posted...I just came back from training yesterday...it was so boring....I stayed home from work today and slept all day long...I was so tired of sittin from 8am-9pm for 2 days straight...god it about killed me...I finally talked to Em sunday night from 10pm-5am....it felt so good...but I found out that he has been talkin to his ex and I dunno what to do...I am kind of hurt.....he says that that they can never be together but I don't believe him..I never trust any guy..never..this is what he sent to me...see what u can make out of it...weird... :
"Really it hurt me to hear your voice again. I missed you so much but I just figure after everything clears out I will be just your friend. Yeah I had company, but in the past few weeks I have been nice to her. I came up her house one night and visited and everyone was happy to see me once again, her family all teary eyed. I'm just being nice to her, but she knows we can't be together, however I'm sorry for not answering the phone. I know I dont make sense at all. I never expected you to be sweet and sincere to me like you were the other night, it almost made me want to get back to the way I felt for you, but I can't fall back head over heels for you. I came so close to falling in love with you it's not even funny. I felt like I was constantly lied to by you, but no I'm not lying to you, I want everything to go back to normal. I will be honest with you, I grew so cold toward you, no one even wanted to mention your name around me. Everything is so fucked up right now, my feelings are all tore up and I'm fucked up. I hate myself, I hate everything, I have been depressed as fucking hell, I hate my life, I hate everyone in it.. Everything is shit. Everything is wrong, and I do not have the answer for anything anymore. I do know that I missed you. You can call me an asshole, you can compare me to other ppl that you have been with, I guess I wish that you would have claimed me a little bit, if you need me I will try my best to be here for you, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, ever. It wasn't what I wanted, and you could see that in my eyes from the first time you met me. If you even paid attention. I could see in your eyes something was different. Maybe I was blind, but I don't think that I was."
OMG how do I respond to that????? I do LOVE him..and I told him that but I dunno wtf to do....he confuses the crap out of me.....I missed him so much when I was gone on my training....
The place that I stayed at had no phone or tv's...kind of like a nunnery or a home for priests..well actually it was..it was a pastorial center....weird.. I know...my job is not even based on religion and I don't belong to church...so I felt weird stayin there...lol..but my boss saved $700 by havin us to stay there so that was good enough for me...so our end of the year retreat shall be wonderfull then....but back to work for me tom...teaching is really gettin the best of me...I love my hours..but god bless....I need a break....I wished that it would snow 3ft....lol...shew I can't wait til i get my income taxes back...whoo hoo... I am goin on the biggest shoppin spree ever for me and my lil angel....lol...I have to take my lil sis to look for a prom dress this weekend...I miss high school....oh well....but I would not go back and go through it all again...lord no...lol.. but I am out.... later....
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 |  Just a regular Mrs. Dr Phil 
 seapharris7
2005-01-27 21:24
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Wow - generally I’m really good at interpreting the *truth* from what people actually say, but this guy… all I sense is a lot of angry and resentment. I don’t know if it’s even directed at you, maybe more his ex - and instead of seeing her as bad, he’s saying “I felt like I was constantly lied to by you, but no I'm not lying to you, I want everything to go back to normal.” I, myself, was confused by that - who’s lying? Does he think you’re evil & lying to him (paranoia) - or is he openly admitting he’s lying to you? To tell you the truth, I THINK he’s lying more then what he’s admitting too.
And I went ahead and read your previous journal entries to get some clarity on the situation. Now I know you don’t put everything in your journal, nor do I know Em or his side of the story - but here’s what I noticed :
You wrote - “I keep waitin for Em to get online...he has not been on for days...and I dunno what’s up with him...I feel like he is ignoring me for some odd reason…” and he said “. I'm just being nice to her, but she knows we can't be together, however I'm sorry for not answering the phone.”
Call me crazy, but when you’re in love, or just really interested in someone, wouldn’t you call them, click over to the other line, email, IM - anything?!?! And he keeps saying *She knows*, well doesn’t he know too? Why does he keep letting her back into his life, doesn’t he have a voice in this? And if it’ll NEVER work, then what the hell was he doing going over there? And he couldn’t even tell you about until after he was done? And, “Yeah I had company” - what is that supposed to mean, does his ex not have a name - was it his ex, and just what exactly was “company” doing while she was there?
To me it seems like he’s testing the waters either way. He wants to “make sure” there’s no chance with her, and you’re on the back burner - that’s why he keeps reassuring you with “I never expected you to be sweet and sincere to me like you were the other night, it almost made me want to get back to the way I felt for you, but I can't fall back head over heels for you. I came so close to falling in love with you it's not even funny.”
I know it’s hard to trust men in general, but this one has some defiant issues to work on, mainly with himself. He’s obviously going throw a lot - “Everything is so fucked up right now, my feelings are all tore up and I'm fucked up. I hate myself, I hate everything, I have been depressed as fucking hell, I hate my life, I hate everyone in it.. Everything is shit.”
Em seems angry and confused, and not sure of himself or you. Having a relationship is hard enough, but he would bring these issues into it, and that would make it almost impossible to establish trust - which I’m sure you know is a major key in a good relationship.
And he keeps referring back to “just friends“… so, I would say don’t waste your time. Or if you do want to pursue him, the quickest way to a man’s heart is to leave it alone. Then it seems like all of the sudden they *realize* they love you. And that maybe even the case with you. If you cant trust him, and aren’t ready for a relationship, don’t assume you’re in love because you miss him when he’s gone - it’s just way too easy to do.
I think that it’s easy for me to see this because I’m an outsider, and not emotionally attached. Saying is also a lot easier then doing. Just think - if you were your daughter, would you want her to be with this guy? Chances are not, you wouldn’t want her to settle for second best, and you deserve more then that as well.
Either way, it’s your decision, and I’ll be here for you no matter which way you go. I’m sure they’ll be more Blurtys to post for this, and I know it’s hard to tell on paper where someone’s coming from, but I don’t judge you for this - I understand - best of luck to you.
Have a peaceful night,
<3~ Ash(Reply to this) (Thread) |
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