My friend Siggy is a trainwreck, and there's a ton of drama
regarding some really stupid bullshit...
The worst part of it is that I let it spill out into the community at large.
And now, I have to calm things down.
I'm shaking my fucking head so goddamned hard.
Why are you guys doing this?
I'm sure Natalie would tell me to not give a shit.
But I do. I give a ton of shits.
This is MY community.
I'm one of the goddamn pillars of it.
If I don't extend my hand, be the voice of reason, who will?
And I know Natalie hates me for this.
I know she's saying "Well, fuck those retards, you have me."
Sure. I have you, and I love you.
And to be honest, I'd rather live my life with you than without you.
But I also care about them.
This is such a nice little thing I have here.
I don't want it to disappear.
Don't you know how sad I would be if it died on me?
That's why I care so much.
If I have to pick between some and all?
I'd rather destroy myself trying to get it all.
It's my weakness, I'm hardwired for that.
It's just how it is.
You know, everybody knows my name there.
Everyone cares. And everyone accepts my opinions as well thought-out.
They validate me. Completely.
Maybe there's room for growth somewhere in there.
I don't know. They inspire me.
If anything else, they let me blossom there.
I can be me, unadulterated, and it's great.
I love you because you are effectively my superego.
You can tell me when I'm being dumb.
They are entirely my id.... they let me be me.
I love you so much.
So, so much.
I don't know why I can't just NOT CARE about them.
I love, them, too. They make me feel like my ridiculous impulses
aren't just some goddamned stupid bullshit....
Like, if it's a part of me, then it's just a part of me.
And this isn't even a problem with you.
I want you to be nothing else than you.
I don't really know what I want to be anymore.
All I know is that they make me feel good.
And YOU make me feel good.
I don't want anything to make me feel bad.
But I know the whole thing is mutually exclusive.
Why can't I just CHOOSE YOU AND NOTHING ELSE?
You've apparently just chosen ME and nothing else.
But you're going to get everything you want.
We've planned it out: and everything you ever wanted, you will have.
It's not even an issue of what makes me happy...
Because I don't really know what makes me happy.
I'm sorry I'm such a wreck.
You're worried, scared...
You don't think you're good enough.
And I KNOW you're amazing.
I've said it, and I've always meant it: If not you, then no one.
I couldn't ever hold anyone but you in this respect.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm such a mess.
I don't really know what to do.
Here's the funny thing: no one really does.
Regardlesss of how I feel... I've committed to you.
We WILL move in together.
We WILL continue to live life together.
Everything you've ever wanted?
You better believe I'll fight tooth and nail to let you have it.
I don't really know what I'm supposed to do.
But I can't stand to see you cry.
I can't live my life without trying to make you happy.
I love you so much, I want you to have everything.
If I want anything it's that.
As for me? My whole existential crisis.
I don't really know.
I'm sure it'll sort itself out, though.
Can you please just accept my love?
Please stop questioning it?
I'm 100% dedicated to you.
So what if I'm kinda messed up.
Just be a regular person.
Accept that I'm a little messed up.
You're still going to get everything you wanted.
Don't worry about me.
I love you. I'm dedicated to you.
Everything else is secondary to you.
I don't resent you, I don't hate you.
I don't ever feel like something you do holds me back.
What I really feel? Like you deserve to be happy.
I feel like my existence isn't even an existence.
But you tell me otherwise. You care.
I know you do.
I'm sorry I'm a wreck.
Maybe it's my job, maybe it's the sudden on-set of the realization of our dreams.
I don't really know.
I'll be rational, though.
I'll go with what I've decided is right.
The cornerstone of our relationship has always been open communication.
So, I'm going to be open. And I hope you won't flip out.
I don't really know, but I'm going to try.
We'll move in, we'll be together, and it'll just be you and me.
Maybe it's my job, maybe it's my desire to be "forever young"
maybe it's some crazy desire for "community,"
I don't know.
You can stay by and see what happens. You can also leave.
I don't really know what's supposed to happen here.
But if you're worried about how much I love you: don't be.
I've never had feelings for anyone in my life, not like the ones I have for you.
If I was ever supposed to be intimate with anyone, it was you.
If anyone was ever capable of exploring the feelings in my soul, it was you.
And I mean it, if not you, then no one.
And I feel terrible.
I feel horrible about how difficult I'm making this for you.
I'm so, so sorry.
I don't know how to help this.
And I hope you won't resent me too much.
I'm going to help Siggy.
I'm going to help build the community.
I want that community there, and I want to be part of it.
I hope you'll stay. But if you don't, I understand.
And this won't be the end of it.
Maybe one day I want to run my own business.
Maybe one day my desire to fix things will run into politics.
I hope you can stand by.
Maybe you will, and maybe you won't.
It can't stop me... it'll just be the amount of pain I feel in the process.
Whether or not you're there to hold me.
Maybe you just want someone who won't do that.
And it's fine. Most people aren't like me.
But I don't really know.
I don't think that's going to go away.
I hope that lines up with your life goals.
I'm so, so sorry.
But I love you so, so much.
The bottom line is: you're going to have to let me deal
with what you think is some goddamned stupid bullshit.
It's either that, or you're going to have to leave me.
I don't really know how to put it another way.
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