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Remy (xremyx) wrote,
@ 2011-11-19 03:01:00
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    Aftermath
    Remember how at the end of the Lord of the Rings saga Frodo was all fucked up?
    Regardless of returning a hero, of having completed a series of trials, saving the world, of finally making it through...
    The wounds he received were too great to ever heal.
    I didn't care much for that series, but the very end of the movie.
    The fact that he leaves, too much trauma to ever come back.

    I always feared that the time I spent getting destroyed...
    The efforts I put up, the numerous burns, all of the scars...

    I feared it would leave me disfigured and forever-defeated.
    Like I would be marred, pockmarked, forever crushed.

    I think it may have happened.
    I finally have the bankroll and opportunities to do what I wanted to do.
    And yet I still find myself embroiled in hatred, sometimes pure envy.
    Like I'm not doing enough, like I'm not getting where I want fast enough.
    Like my plan to do better for myself DESTROYS my ability to have fun now...

    .... every time I have to use the excuse "I have to work tomorrow"
    Everyone has to... how do they make it?
    Oh yeah, what they do isn't what I do.

    Why can't I just lighten up?
    I still feel this incredibly passionate, absolutely-burning desire to pool what I got.
    Like... this isn't the time to settle..... this is the time to work harder.
    This is the time to make my goals in life a reality.

    I don't wanna sit by and watch things happen...
    I'm gonna throw effort, time, and for once, serious money towards making it.

    You wanna know how I make my purchases now?
    Not only is there the "Do I need this" factor.
    Now there's also the "What is the return on my future if I invest in this?"

    And after years of gaming money, now that I have more of it..
    I just feel like I can game it that much harder.

    And the thought in my head: "Well, how do rich people get rich?"
    I don't know if I give a shit about being rich, I just don't wanna be broke.
    And finally, fucking finally, for once I'm not.

    I'm at odds with myself.
    I want to take the time to do nothing, to just rest on my goals.
    But I'm so hurt... so hurt that I can't do more.
    And then the desire to be better.. to invest in myself.

    The worst part is that NOBODY is telling me to slow down.
    When I explain this to people, they simply say "You go, Remy."
    Should I keep busting my ass? Or do I relax and just let it all go.
    I don't feel accomplished enough to just let life be life.
    Especially not since I took the last two years to direct myself.

    There's a lot to be said.
    And while I do want to move forward, bust my ass to fucking make it...
    Part of me wants to do none of that, just chill and let things come.
    But then my disgust of everyone makes me hate myself for wanting that.

    I have serious issues.


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