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Ty (xlovexlessxtyx) wrote,
@ 2004-02-05 17:54:00
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    Hello, Im Ty Worley. You may know me from documentaries such as: "When bears attack:Humans in Fear". And "Goo goo for Gackt-sama:A jerelle jones story". Also you may know me from the award-winning tearjerker movie "Shiny: Tooth with a dream".

    But today. Im here with a story about a certain bear. Thats right. The sequel to the box-office hit:When Bears Attack. Its when Bear attack 2:Humans Fight Back.

    This story takes place in a small town called rahway. And in black bear reservation called "ming feng". We had heard many rumors of a bear going crazy for a tranquilizer called Slice. So we decided to investigate. We managed to salvage a early picture of the bear. This was taken by the late great bear trainer, Ioay. He was a foreign bear trainer that came to our country from India. Sadly Jeremy killed him right after the picture was taken.



    The bear had stolen Ioay's clothes and somehow put them on. The scientist at the reservation believe that the tranquilizers advanced Jeremy's brain. But only by so much. It seems he has no common sense as to everyday normal things. He has shaved and is very human-like. Even managing to speak words!. I had a chance to interview a former trainer. Jerelle Krypto.

    Ty:So Ms.Krypto. May I ask why you arent Jeremy's trainer anymore?
    Mrs.Krypto: It was Jeremy. He was getting more and more addicted to the tranquilizers. He would tear up his room and everything else in the reservation just to get shot by one. Then one day, he did something we didnt expect....
    Ty: Im sorry, is this too much?
    Mrs.Krypto: No, its just.....He killed for the tranquilizers..........He killed a child.
    Ty:Do TELL!!!
    Mrs.Krypto:Well, he had stolen a tank full of the slice. And some little kid had gotten into the reserve for it. And jeremy thought he was going to steal it. So he killed the child!!!
    Ty:Oh my damn!!
    Mrs.Krypto:Yes. I had to stop. So we gave him up to our best Trainer. Dimitrius.

    I had a chance to sit down with Dimitrius. Dimitrius is his current trainer. And doing a damn good job at that. Here you'll see a picture of Jeremy, the Black Bear. And Dimitrius. The trainer:


    Dimitrius:I had a tough time with Jeremy. But the fucking bastard finnaly learned to listen once I burned his Slice supplies.
    Ty:Dont you think that is a little harsh?
    Dimitrius:NO!! Its good for him. Make him act like a normal bear.
    Ty:On one account when you slapped a tranquilizer out of his hand. You screamed "suck it up bitch"?
    Dimitrius:Ah, I had to. The little pussy wouldnt listen to me so I had to do something to shut him the fuck up!
    Ty:My, what a potty mouth
    Dimitrius:Shut up
    Ty:Go train a bear!

    After my sit with Dimitrius I moved onto one of his most recent victims: Fred.

    Ty:According to the Reservation headquaters you were Jeremy's last surviving victim?
    Fred:Correct
    Ty:Now explain to me what had happened.
    Fred:well. At the moment,Jeremy and I were good friends. I wasnt his trainer. but he was so human like. I just became good friends with him. I would sneak Slice packects to him. Then one day I forgot it........And he went beserk....Totally berserk.
    Ty:How so....
    Fred:he would beat me. And then one day I just couldnt take it anymore.
    Ty:You hit him?
    Fred:No.....I stabbed him. Alot....

    Fred continued to tell me of him and Jeremy fighting....and also I interviewed some of the people helping out at the bear reservation. Kaitlin and Kelly.

    Kaitlin:I like always thought Jeremy was like different from like the other bears.
    Kelly:Yeah, he would like hit himself and like sometimes bitch about shit like for like no fucking reason.
    Kaitlin: I kno. When like demetrius would feed him like he'd sit there with his lip poked out like a little girl. What a bitch.
    Kelly:And like sometimes we'd like catch him in the female house trying to touch the girl bears. What a sicko.
    Both:Totally like wrong!!!

    Of course, those two didnt help at all. Until we went to the source himself. Of course I didnt interview him. One of my correspondents did. Alyssa Gackyr.

    Gackyr:Ok Jeremy. Im Gackyr. But you can call me alyssa.
    Jeremy:sl....
    Gackyr:What is it?
    Jeremy:Sli....
    Gackyr:What is it Jeremy?
    Jeremy:SLICE!! I WANT FUCKING SLICE!!!
    Gackyr:HELP!!! HE'S GONE MAD!!! HELP!!

    Leaving off today....Tommorow we will be back with the conclusion to our story. When bears attack part three:Humans and Bears UNITE!!!



    Im Ty Worley. Goodnight.


(Post a new comment)


ak6719
2004-02-05 19:37 (link)
Gackyr:Ok Jeremy. Im Gackyr. But you can call me alyssa.
Jeremy:sl....
Gackyr:What is it?
Jeremy:Sli....
Gackyr:What is it Jeremy?
Jeremy:SLICE!! I WANT FUCKING SLICE!!!
Gackyr:HELP!!! HE'S GONE MAD!!! HELP!!

haha thats funny

(Reply to this) (Thread)

BLAh!!
xlovexlessxtyx
2004-02-05 19:55 (link)
Lol, that was funny though...lol

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

Re: BLAh!!
ak6719
2004-02-11 18:50 (link)
"Of course, those two didnt help at all."

ha, there 's another thing funny... sorta

t

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)


interdit
2004-02-05 19:58 (link)
hahaha. I could imagine that all being said. except for me and Kayt being ditzes. damn you. but still, that was fucking funny.

-Kelly

(Reply to this) (Thread)

Excellent
pockylicious
2004-02-05 20:58 (link)
Oh, this was simply exquisite.

And I expect this much from such an experienced On-Site Reporter.

And I will publish the second half of this feature....

The part that Animal Planet refused to show...

Good work, my right-hand man. Good work.
J/A-chan

(Reply to this) (Thread)


7days
2004-02-06 15:52 (link)
you son of a bitch...i'm not a ditz.....you better change that in the next issue.
Kayt

(Reply to this) (Thread)


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