| Current mood: | Hurt |
| Current music: | Bryan Adams- You Can't Take Me |
Wearing the mask
Why doesn't anything ever go right?
Damnit, today Jacob and I broke up. It was a mutual thing, we just didn't dig each other enough. I was in health class though when it happened. The "it" being Austin giving me the digits to his cell and to call him now that I was single...
Damn. There's a game of tug-of-war being played and I'm being put in the middle. Ericka thinks Austin and I are just friends, and she... well, she trusted me not to tell Austin about how she was pregnant... Austin was behind me though when I was talking to Ashley about it. Ashley already knew, of course, and we were just discussing it further, and when I shut my locker and turned around, Austin was standing there, staring at me. He asked me why I hadn't told him, and I told him it wasn't my place, and Ericka had cheated on him the last time they went out, he should have expected her to do it again. I told him I hadn't wanted to hurt him by telling him. The way he looked at me... it was like he had never seen me before. He acted weird all day, and even joked more about taking Jacob's place. After lunch, he kept putting his hands on my hips and pulling me against him. Let's say part of him really enjoyed it's quality time with my ass.
Shit, why does this kinda shit happen to me? I feel so fucking bad. I told Ericka, and she says she doesn't blame me, but I think deep down, she does. It has to be hurting her, her most recent two boyfriends were into me, her brother is into me, all our online guy friends are into me. They say I have a pretty face, but Ericka is thinner than me, and has a great body, and she's cute. I don't get why they would prefer me over her.
Now that I look back, Jacob just used the words "I love you" to get what he wanted. Just like Ryan. Jacob was different though. He didn't use the words to get head. He used them to get a trophy. Sure, I never beleived he loved, loved me. I know we're friends, that's obvious. And part of me is glad it's over. I wonder though. Am I just a trophy to Austin too?
I suppose I should get used to it. There were only two boys that I dated that didn't want me just to have a hot girl hanging off their arm. Daniel and Jon. They were both so sweet... I can't beleive I dumped Jon for Ryan... Jon... Jon didn't care how I looked! He understood me, better than I understood myself. He was there for me, and me, him, Daniel, Brittney, Tristan, and others would all perform our Wiccan rituals together and share books. Jon loved me. Maybe not true love, but his love for me was pure. I let him go though, because my damned heart chose to do summersaults over Ryan instead of him. I couldn't have stayed with Jon forever though. I'd never be able to love him the way he loved me, I know that now.
These past few years, all I've done is act. I've worn a mask. For six months, I dropped the mask, and let down my walls, let Ryan in. If I knew then what I know now, I never would have done it. If I had known he only wanted sex, if I had known he would cheat on me, not once, but twice, if I had known that once again I'd be used, I never would have let myself feel.
My damned heart should have learned. After Michael, after Todd, after Daniel C, it should have fucking learned...
And it should have fucking learned after Ryan.
Damnit, it should have learned...
You can't take me...
Got to fight another fight - I gotta run another night
Get it out - check it out
I'm on my way and it don't feel right
I gotta get me back - I can't be beat and that's a fact
It's OK - I'll find a way
You ain't gonna take me down no way
Don't judge a thing until you know what's inside it
Don't push me - I'll fight it
Never gonna give in - never gonna give it up no
If you can't catch a wave then you're never gonna ride it
You can't come uninvited
Never gonna give in - never gonna give it up no
You can't take me I'm free
Why did it all go wrong? - I wanna know what's goin'on
And what's this holding me?
I'm not where I'm supposed to be
I gotta fight another fight
I gotta fight with all my might
I'm getting out, so check it out
Ya - you're in my way
So you better watch out
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 | ^^^Kristina says...^^^
(Anonymous)
2003-10-18 00:09
(link) |
Hmph. Since I don't know who Ryan and Michael and all these other guys are, I'll settle for kicking Jacob's ass. An Austin? I don't know what to tell ya. But the reason guys prefer you over Ericka? Your personality. Look at yourself Bailey! You're sexy, fine, you've got that damn accent the guys find so attractive and you just ooze that sensuality! There are tons of girls who would give to be you! You even draw girls to you, for fuck's sake! You're so obsessed with death and thinking about your past, you don't pay attention to the here and future. And Ryan... that's the dude you used to be with, right? That you cared so much about? Forget. Him. It's. Over. I know you know it. But the pain will go away eventually, and don't deny it, you still hurt. You may be able to be a bitch and drive some people away, but I've seen the real you. I've seen a lot of what you don't want people to see and you know what? You should let it show. Everyone get's hurt eventually, it's part of life. You just can't stop caring and shit because you've been burned a few times. It's all part of playing with fire, there will be burns.
Fire reminds me, damn, you have one attitude goin', haha, feisty bitch.
There are people that love you. And there is a guy who will love you and treat you better than him, whoever he is, the one that hurt you so bad.
And I'm going to use you're screennames again later, m'kay?
Love,
Kristina(Reply to this) (Thread) |
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