The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was
compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the
Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug
Administration, the Center for Disease Control and some very expensive
spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is intended as a guide
for American travelers only and no guarantee of accuracy is ensured or
France is a medium-sized foreign country situated on the continent of
Europe, and is for all intensive purposes completely useless. It is an
important member of the world community, although not nearly as
important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland
and some smaller nations of no particular consequence or shopping
opportunities. France is a very old country with many treasures such as
the Louvre and EuroDisney. Among its contributions to Western
civilization are champagne, Camembert cheese, the guillotine, and body odor. Although
France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little
used and it is next to impossible to get decent Mexican food. One
continuing exasperation for American visitors is that the people willfully
persist in speaking French, although many will speak English if shouted
France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and
smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously over sexed and
have no concept of standing patiently in a line. The French people are
generally gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined;
those are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic,
although you'd hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are
Communists and topless sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have
girls' names like Marie and they kiss each other when they hand out medals.
American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball
caps and colorful pants for easier mutual recognition. All French women
have small tits, and don't shave their armpits or their legs.
In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers are advised
that France is occasionally invaded by Germany. By tradition, the French
surrender more or less at once and, apart from a temporary shortage of
Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and
stock market prices, life for the visitors generally goes on much as before.
A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has
been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government
to flee to London.
France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important
historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques
Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years and is
now an airport. The French armies of the past have had their asses kicked
by just about every other country in the world.
The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
held more or less continuously and always result in a runoff. For
administrative purposes, the country is divided into regions, departments,
districts, municipalities, cantons, communes, villages, cafes, booths and floor
tiles. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (although,
confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are
either Gaullists or communists, neither of whom can be trusted. Parliament's
principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in the South
Pacific and acting indignant when anyone complains. According to the most
current State Department intelligence, the current President is someone
named Jacques. Further information is not available at this time.
The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to
see why. All of their songs sound the same and they have hardly ever made a
movie that you want to watch for anything except the nude scenes.
Nothing, of course, is more boring than a French novel (except perhaps
an evening with a French family.)
Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just
a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are
excellent although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce
this word. American travelers are therefore advised to stick to
cheeseburgers at McDonald's or the restaurants at the leading hotels
such as Sheraton or Holiday Inn. Bring your own beer, as the
domestic varieties are nothing but a poor excuse for such.
France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
economy in Europe, which is surprising since people hardly ever work
at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they
are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy,
are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne,
high-caliber weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack
aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.
France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape and a
temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
people didn't inhabit it, and it weren't still radioactive from all the
nuclear tests they run. The best thing that can be said for it is that
it is not Spain. Remember no one ordered you to go abroad.
Personally, we always take our vacation in Miami Beach and you
are advised to do the same.
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