|Current mood:|| depressed|
|Current music:||Morning Report With Mark & Steve, WOC AM 1420|
It's Friday, You Bastards
For what I believe is the second time ever, I am declaring a New Rule. What I am not doing this time is apologizing to Bill Maher for stealing and ruining his bit because I made him my #1 Favorite Living Comedian, so what more could he want from me? I'm also not going to worry about the news I'm hearing from my inside sources on Capitol Hill because this won't be the first time I've been held in Contempt Of Congress and I'm sure it won't be the last.
So now that we've established just how fearless and unwilling I am to be kicked around by anyone, let's get to this New Rule, which goes a little something like this: You can't talk about unemployment as if it could be solved just by all these lazy people just getting up and getting a job until the unemployment rate goes into negative World War II style numbers and if you're Dennis Miller, you should look into the mirror and learn to recognize the Clueless that you keep talking about.
By the same token, I could get all over my own case by insisting that no one complain about all the idiots (Who, for some insane reason, are still allowed to vote), AKA Conservatives, who are complaining because they will, eventually, if they live that long, be getting good affordable healthcare and protection from the insurance companies that used to rip them off and kill them just for fun while at the same time obscenely overpaying their CEO's thanks to a law that will also create jobs and lower costs, until they have been undumbed down and can be held accountable for all the stupid things they say, do and believe.
But why would I do that? Aren't enough people already out to get me without me joining the parade? I may be self-destructive and suicidal but I'm not crazy, AKA Conservative. Leave the masochism to the masochists is what I always say. Which is why I'm also not going into another fun thing you can expect much more of if Mitt becomes President (http://redtape.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/06/29/12465334-your-family-is-probably-losing-155k-from-401k-plan-and-why-new-rules-wont-help?lite).
What I am going to do is bend to the will of the people and declare a start to tonight's party right now. Over the objections of those who are saying, "It's not even noon yet and now he's just going to give that same old tired "It's five o'clock somewhere" excuse." Oh, when will children stop trying to predict me? I'm not going to say "It's five o'clock somewhere." It never even crossed my mind.
What I am going to do, for the first time ever, is remind you that time, as you perceive it, does not exist. There is no future, there is no past, there is only now. Which means it's always Friday Night and you're usually late! And your drink is getting cold! Which in this case, is this little concoction that Fifi, my Sommelier, whipped up for tonight:
1 3/4 oz Scotch
3/4 oz Vermouth
1/4 tsp Lemon juice
1 dash Orange bitters
Shake all ingredients with ice, strain into a cocktail glass, and serve.
There, now everyone is happy. Except for maybe our female guests who didn't get a chance to get as dressed as they wanted to but the people looking at them are more than happy enough to make up for the deficit. And never let it be said that I'm discourteous to Republicans because exposed vaginas are far easier to probe than ones that are all covered up.
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