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Greg (xander6464) wrote,
@ 2012-06-23 05:19:00
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    Current mood: depressed
    Current music:Coast To Coast AM---George Noory, WOC AM 1420

    That's Why I Stopped Smoking In The Shower
    I want to start this one with a major Earth shattering announcement that no one ever saw coming. But I can't. Because Pauline, my Chief Executive Vice President In Charge Of Audience Grabbing And Retaining Cliffhangers says that it would ruin everything because no one would have a reason to tune in tomorrow and then my ratings would plummet and Mitt, along with the rest of the terrorists, would win because we would all be out of a job.

    But you know what? Screw Pauline...Even though we usually only do that on Tuesdays and it's only Saturday but it will do her good because she, along with everyone else, needs to be reminded that I didn't get where I am today by being dull and predictable...because as Jim put it, the future's uncertain and the end is always near and this news just can't wait.

    So here it is: Bill Maher ( is now officially my number one favorite living comedian. As you know, that post has been vacant since June 22, 2008 when George Carlin died...Without my permission, by the way...You know, if he would have just called and said, "Hey, Greg, do you mind if I kick the bucket this week?" I might have said yes and then he would be listed as my number one favorite nonliving comedian instead of my tentative number one favorite nonliving comedian but don't feel sorry for him because he made that bed and now he must lay in it.

    And it was a major break for Johnny Carson, who's still trying to get the job. Every time I drag out the Ouija Board, he shows up right away and reminds me that he did call and say, "Hey, Greg, I can't breathe. Can I go now already?" Then he apologizes again for moving The Tonight Show from New York to LA and reminds me that it was really Freddy's fault and then he really apologizes for shortening the show from 90 to 60 minutes because he was completely responsible for that. Then he always reminds me that Jack Benny still doesn't want the job.

    Even though that isn't really true. You see, Jack was originally offered the position on December 26, 1974 and he was very interested. Until we started discussing salary. That's when the negotiations completely broke down---Not, as Jack explains, because he loves money but because harp lessons and wings don't grow on trees. But he did and still does want the job. It's just that he wants me to go broke in the process and my accountants still can't get past that.

    And I could tell you why Gracie Allen isn't it but I can't because I don't fully understand it. All I know is that it starts with her brother Charlie trying to buy a hat in Cleveland and ends with, "All the favorite nonliving comedians of today are just tomorrow's postage stamps."

    So let's get back to Johnny Carson, since you brought him up, because he's the main reason Bill is now my favorite living comedian. Because Johnny's personality, mannerisms, delivery and material are so close to Bill's. Or maybe vice versa. I'm not sure because I had lunch with Gracie last week and that always adversely affects my perceptions of reality for at least a couple of weeks.

    All I know for sure is that Jack's lawyers are still trying to get both Johnny and Bill to pay royalties. Because nice clouds in good neighborhoods are so expensive. The other only thing I know for sure is that Alex Jones ( is going to be doing a show about how this whole favorite living comedian list is fixed and that it will be the exception that proves the rule that Alex is always right about everything.

    It's not true that Bill had Ed Schultz ( on Real Time a few weeks ago and then had Rachel Maddow ( on last night...And not only was she on but she delivered the best most funny line of the night when she said, "That's why I stopped smoking in the shower," while they were talking about Fracking and the house in Colorado where the water is flammable...just to suck up and get the job.

    Nor is it true that he also appeared on Rachel's show somewhere in there, too, for the same reason. Those are all meaningless coincidences that you needn't pay any attention to because they don't mean anything. Why can't you just be happy for Bill and stop looking for conspiracy's that don't exist?

    Alex is also going to tell you that it was no accident that Kirk Douglas was also on last night and then he's going to ask about all the times George Carlin was on Real Time and Politically Incorrect. Then there's the times that Bill was on the Tonight Show. And then he's going to ask why I'm not busting Bill for his comments about kids not being able to do anything by dropping names like Lope de Vega and Saul Kripke even though I completely agree with what he said about the conservative "prodigies."

    And why I'm not even pointing out that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart wrote Andante (K. 1a) and Allegro in C (K. 1b) when he was five years old and how that surely proves that there could be Liberal prodigies, there could even be genuine Conservative prodigies who sound like William Frank Buckley instead of Rush and Sean...Who, as Bill pointed out, most kids already sound like so it's a real stretch to call them prodigies but then again, if you're a Republican, it's the best you've got so you might as well go with it. Let's face it, you're not exactly a lightning rod for intellectuals.

    Anyway, the point is, this election was not rigged. Bill won fair and square. And if all those old, poor, Black and Hispanic people in Florida really wanted to vote they would have provided their long form birth certificates along with three forms of ID and paid their poll tax and passed the literacy and blood tests just like all us young white entitled voters did.

    No more free rides! What don't you people understand about that? Sorry. I didn't mean to get political. I just want to say that Bill is my favorite living comedian because of hard-work and endless amounts of selfless dedication to his craft not dumb luck aided and abetted by genetics.

    And trying to place Robert Osborne ( on the grassy knoll just because he played both Beach Blanket Bingo and You're Only Young Once this week is just laughably ridiculous. It is true that few things put me in a better mood than seeing Annette in a bikini and we could all learn a lot from Andy Hardy but that does not mean that Ted Turner is the mysterious stranger in the shadows smoking a cigarette and calling all the shots.

    There is no mysterious stranger! And no cigarette! Not even in Rachel's shower. Anymore. Now, can't we all just get along and agree that Bill is just the best man for the job? No, wait. Make that "best person for the job" because I've already got enough problems with those gutter-mouthed vagina obsessed babes in Michigan.

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