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Greg (xander6464) wrote,
@ 2012-02-11 07:11:00
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    Current mood: depressed
    Current music:Bill Ward, WPLO Atlanta, December 1963 (RESTORED)

    The Answer To All Your Valentine's Day Gift Giving Needs, Almost
    I spent months, just like I do every year, searching for the perfect Valentine's gift for my Editor-In-Chief, Style Manual and I finally found it. Then I realized that this wasn't just the perfect Valentine's Day gift for Style, that it would also be perfect for all the other 489 girls on my staff, so yesterday morning I told Minx, my secretary to order one for all of them and one for herself because it's perfect for her, too, and with that single edict, voilĂ !, roughly 84.49% of my Valentine's Day shopping was done.

    Until a minute later, when Minx informed me that the Moby Dick toilet paper ( is a one of a kind item and the bidding starts at $399.95 and that furthermore, if I gave it to her for Valentine's Day her response would be disturbingly fitting.

    Yeah, I know, Minx has a an exceptionally bad attitude compounded by a chronic case of PMS but that's an old, ongoing problem that is of little concern today. What is of concern today is why don't they mass produce Moby Dick toilet paper? And would it kill them to add a few other titles?

    Minx's favorite novel of all time is Doctor Zhivago, and I'm sure that's her problem with this to begin with. Why can't I find a copy of it printed on toilet paper anywhere? And why is the fact that no one makes it somehow my fault? Why does Valentine's Day always have to be this difficult?

    And do I get an extension? I'm not exactly sure when Valentine's Day is, sometime in July or August probably, but that's still too little time. Finding the perfect presents for far from perfect women in record time is what I do but I'm not a miracle worker.

    Though you'd never know it, because most of what I do appears to be miraculous to ordinary people like you. And, while I can't yet solve your petty little Valentine's Day crisis because I have my own Valentine's Day calamity to deal with, I am going to cure the Ian Punnett withdrawal symptoms you've been having since Ian stopped doing Saturday nights on Coast.

    By giving you this: There, now you can listen to Ian anytime you want and if he would just talk more about UFO's, ghosts, comics and crypto news, it would be like he never left his Saturday Coast gig at all. But at least it will get you through the night.

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2012-06-01 07:15 (link)
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