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Greg (xander6464) wrote,
@ 2012-01-07 07:52:00
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    Current mood: depressed
    Current music:Dave Vieser, WGBB Long Island, NY July 17, 1967 (RESTOR

    Hanging Out With The Insane
    I was at the Illinois Institute For The Criminally Insane...Some people call it Springfield...the other day, talking to all the usual suspects (The CME [http://www.cmegroup.com/] is exploring the possibility of selling Senate Seat Auction Futures and the Chief thinks we---Acme Greeting Cards---should get in on the ground floor, so he sent me to Springfield to check things out and I'd go into the details but you'd didn't come here tonight to hear another one of my boring work stories so I'll skip it).

    Anyway, speaking of butts, I was at Deja Vu, talking to insiders, witnesses, informants, senators, representatives, et al and I was doing my usual thorough job (The Chief doesn't give me $8.25/hr to be sloppy, you know) and that's why I was so surprised to see this today: http://newssun.suntimes.com/news/9859142-418/moodys-lowers-illinois-credit-rating-again.html.

    None of them, not a single one, told me that that was going to happen. Maybe it was modesty---If you read the article you will see that we have beat California at it's own game! Our insane criminals are the best in the business and we've been proving it every single day since December 3, 1818 and you may think you have a pretty good idea of what would happen if you turned the asylum over to the inmates but you don't have the faintest clue til you visit Illinois---because it's bad form to brag when you're the best.

    Or maybe they were just too busy explaining how Star's new breasts don't feel the least bit fake. Personally, I think they feel a little fake but what do I know? I've never even been elected to anything. Possibly, it was because they spent so much time telling me how they're going to make everyone live to be a million by requiring people in the back seat to wear seat belts and if that doesn't work, they are going to implement Plan B: Banning all food.

    Because everyone who eats, dies. Sometimes it takes a while but they all do. At first, that sounded absurd to me but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I couldn't argue with the logic. Then a very nice naked girl named Sammi, who identified herself as a Dancer/Political Strategist, sat on my lap and told me I should run for something.

    I talked to her for a long time and...Well, that's another boring story you don't want to hear so we'll skip it, too...Anyway, after all the talking, I came to the same conclusion I always do, no matter how many people tell me how perfectly mentally suited to the job I am, politics just aren't for me.

    I explained to her that I already do a lot of shady, underhanded things that even used to be illegal until the Patriot Act was passed, at the tax payers' expense but it's just a job. And I want to keep it that way. I have no desire to turn it into my entire life.

    Sammi was obviously disappointed but she bravely smiled, collected her consulting fee and told me to call her. Before 5, if I changed my mind about being a politician or after 5 if all I wanted was more consulting. Or anytime if I wanted both. I still don't want to be a politician but her other services are almost what you could call addicting and I see it's after 5 now and since this thing is done now, I think God is telling me to call her now. So I'll see you tomorrow.



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