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Lauren (wishonmystar) wrote,
@ 2003-06-25 13:02:00
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    Current mood: confused
    Current music:the doors ~ light my fire

    i still believe you when you say, its another perfect day.
    well... its gonna be another fun filled day in the life on lauren. or not. After last night i don't know how mad i can stay at john. I cried for almost two hours last night. First time to cry in about 7 months, and when i say cry.. i don't mean a few tears here and there i mean a flood of tears that i couldn't stop. I sat and talked to aaron of all people till 2 in the morning about my feelings about john. HE kinda helped me realize that i'm not as bad a person as i sometimes convince myself i am. It just with all the shit about hurting him so badly when i broke up with him. I hate seeing anything in pain and i caused him so much that it just haunts me.
    right now i'm babysitting and i swear to god i'll never have kids. Ever. I love these kids i really do.. but i have NO patience whatsoever...
    know what sucks? the feeling that you have no control over a certain situation. I feel the control i have over my emotions slowly slipping out of my control. Everytime i look at john my heart seems to sweel and then skip a beat. Yeah, at first.. tried to convince myself i had some rare medical condition. But i'm beginning to think it could be the horrible "L" word. I mean i've told him that i love him. But its gettin to the point where i'm REALLY starting to feel it. Feel the fear of it. I'm scared... deep down to the bone scared of getting hurt like neal hurt me. Neal ripped my heart out and made me the wayi am today. Bitchy. I don't trust my own emotions.. isn't that sad?
    well i guess i should actually babysit. More tonight...

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