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whowhathuh (whowhathuh) wrote,
@ 2004-09-28 09:55:00
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    this is my first entry, don't really know how to get started I am hopeful the interview is going well we really need this job right now. we have found Buddhism to be a common interest for both of us so we'll explore it fiurther together I am feeling even more sure that we are made for each ther now I know he is not sure But I KNOW that we are supposed to be together Maybe it's deeper than I realize but I feel it I always have, it's just stronger now The realization that we have the same ideas on several different topics strengthens my belief in this I an hopeful and blah all at the same time I need to get out of the house and interact with people that is dificult for him because of the anxiety and insecurity, I wish he could see that I only want him, but given his record I understand the fear He would be happy with no one else in our lives but I cannot exist like that I need adult human interaction I need to go out and window shopn or get lunch or take the kids to the park Something to free me from this prison I don't have any positive work going on right now which I only have myself to blame I am terrified to call people and don't know why I need to get over it and call this is ruining my business's success Why do i do this I have all this stuff and information but will not let myself be free to share it I will get my eyes fixed Friday I am excited and scared My dad's went well other than the excessive swelling which was supposed to be due to his age i cannot take having mone go wrong I am beyond ready to live without glasses and contacts They imprison me also I need a real job or just some time for me without having to worry over the kids or feel guilty about taking some time for myself it's always a battle and he doesn't understand the difference between mothering and fathering I guess he never will but that still leaves me unfulfilled maybe I need to start chanting and see where that takes me I want to be free I want my children to be honest and intelligent and carefree and happy and loved SCARY we are beyond broke and I feel completely helpless to fix it not sure how everything seems moot now as if I weren't having any impact on my surroundings I need a purpose I know being a parent has a purpose but I need more than that I am mroe than a servant and a teacher I need knowledge I need to belong I need to be wanted and needed by more than my children thyat's all for now have to check on kids and do housework Yippee


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