I made an appointment with a psychiatrist today. The first available was Nov 26. Yippee. And they asked me what I wanted to be seen for. I really didn't know how to answer that question. That's how messed up my mind is now. I can't even think. It seems like everyone in my life is using me, but that's what I'm being told, too. I'm trying to have some belief in things getting better, but that is only temporary, then it goes back to hell. I am just blah, really can't think. Or maybe just can't express all the thoughts, because there are so many constantly going through this brain, and outside interference. Every time I go online, the damn phone won't stop ringing, have to disconnect, talk, reconnect, type,disconnect, etc. It doesn't even ring until I connect. Well, both babysitters just called, 30 min too late. That's the way it seems to work all the time. I try to be positive, but this really gets me down. More excuses now on the phone. Don't know why. Okay, another dilemma. How do I believe anything I'm told (or promised) at this point? It's difficult to know what to do. I need a break from it all, but then there's the freeling guilty for that. So, what next? The worst part of this is I can't tell anybody this (that I know). They will think bad of me, or just not understand and see it differnetly than I mean it. I hope I can actually tell the doctor the thngs that bother me, and not try to pretend it's all okay. But, of course the doctor will probably tell me there's nothing wrong, and thta I just need to relax. If I could relax, I wouldn't need the doctor. Maybe I should give her my family for a week and see how she reacts. She probably wouldn't last that long. Somehow all thta my family does to bother me is all my fault. I have one friend I can actually talk to and count on, but of course, like all the others, is too busy to babysit for me. I'm sure that's my fault too. And it must be my fault that my mother stole my oinheritance and bought a truck with it, and tries to make me feel guilty about asking for financial jelp from her.. Dammit she owes me that. She should be feeling guilty, not me. I also feel guilty and paranoid around cops. No reason, I do nothing illegal, nothing. But, still get sick to my stomach when I see them on the road with me.. I went to a police station with the cub scouts group the other night. I was terrifed around the K9 cop. I have NO drugs. What the hell was that? And riding in a vehicle with someone else. I would do better to pass out than have to go through that. I almost vomit every time from pure fear. Blocked again. Don't know what to say. The kids are driving me crazy. I would sometimes prefer to be working, just to get away. But can't get hired on, for some untold reason. Just another facet of my life. Beautiful.
Really need some sleep. Only 3 hours last night, thanks to the lovely people I call my family. But, why should I get any rest? That should be fine. No sleep. Kids don't listen, man loud and hateful. The fact that I can't function on this amount of sleep shouldn't mean anything. Never ends, never gets any better. What should I expect? The world?
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 | Re: Random Person
 whowhathuh
2004-10-06 20:16
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Yeah, i 'm beginning to think so. But, when I go to the doctor I will probably act like everything's just peachy. That's the way my mind works sometimes, not sure why. Thanks for the comment. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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(Anonymous)
2004-10-06 19:37
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Hope you dont mind me commenting on this... I feel the exact way you do!! BELIEVE ME!! everything is my fault..my family blames me on everything!!.. some things happened in the past that i needed to talk to someone about and my friends all betrayed me..i had no one..my parents are blabbermouths and twist what i say up..and they are totally against therapy and counceling..well i went to a councelor and told her i wanted to kill myself and was planning on it and of course she called my parents..i never in my life have gotten into soooooo much trouble before!! worst night of my life..anxiety attacks..and couldnt stop shaking..my family hates me..friends betrayed me..and yes i try to be positive for my friends but even if i sound positive i think negatively all the time.. im very closed on how i feel around people..so my friends dont know im really depressed all the time..but my friends are always depressed..i listen to them for hours and give them the best possible advice that comes to me..give them hugs and talk to them..always there for them if its 2am or 6am..they have my number..i did my part of being a true friend and they didnt.. and yes 2-3 hours of sleep a night if im lucky...!!! i know you dont know me..however, im a great listener if you ever need someone to talk to ill be there for you always cause i know how you feel! even if you just need someone to scream at..scream at me..my email address is yourthatspecialsomeone@yahoo.com feel free to email me if you like.... good luck!!
Katie(Reply to this) (Thread) |
| Re: our lives
whowhathuh
2004-10-06 20:13
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Thanks for the reply. I would love to have email conversations with you. It sounds like we have a few things in common. My email is herring08@peoplepc.com if you don't already have it.
I look forward to hearing from you. Do you go to chat rooms?(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
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| Re:
whowhathuh
2005-01-20 18:47
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Thanks for your concern. Honestly everything in my life is better. I am much happier than I was at that point. I can't believe I was actually that low. I will start writing again. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread) |
| (Reply from suspended user) |
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