It's the sexual equivalent of Simon Sez
I don't really feel like I have much of interest to share with anyone anymore, so I'm getting slack about keeping this thing updated. Maybe it's because this is the fourth journal I've kept here and I'm tired of starting over. Or maybe it's because I've run out of interesting things in my life to share with the public. Or maybe, and most likely of all, I'm simply a lazy ass complainer who won't update because it takes too much energy and thought. Yeah, that sounds about right.
I'm angry at myself for skipping, for not catching up my work, for not taking my test, for not calling my mentor, for not studying, for not writing my conclusion when I should, for falling further and further behind in my studies when I promised I would try harder. The hardest year of my school career and I just continue to slack off, getting into worse study habits and completely failing to give a shit at the time and regretting it oh so much later on. Not that I didn't enjoy this afternoon. I did, very much. But it's now, in the evening, when I'm concentrating so hard on my faults that I feel like a total fuck-up for deserting my classes, for failing my teachers, my parents and above all, me. This is the time of night when all self-loathing surfaces and the only thing that can make me smile is a random, well-meant word from Danielle. Even books, which I am unquestionably fond of, sometimes fail to take my mind off of the pity and hatred I feel towards myself. Especially when that reading time cuts through all of my homework time and I value the luxury of reading over the necessity of education, however hateful it may be.
Ugh. Yuck. I hate thinking about school when I'm not being forced into it, but there comes a time when all the shit is just piled up at your mental doors and you can no longer ignore it. It's like when someone leaves a burning sack of crap on your doorstep, rings the doorbell and runs. You have to do something about this immediate emergency and until you've taken care of it, everything smells like shit and you've got problems. Okay, bad analogy, but it seemed right in my head. But you get the idea. I can't ignore school anymore than I can ignore my family. It works for a little while, but eventually you have to come to grips with it. And I hate confrontations.
Well, I just contradicted myself by saying I had nothing to contribute. Perhaps what I said was inconsequential and really needn't have come out, but I felt like I actually had some thoughts to share with such a wonderful, intensely interested audience. Thanks for listening.
By the way, Choke...excellent read, I highly recommend. I just finished it and thoroughly enjoyed its pointlessness.
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 | The other 'whatcameforth'
(Anonymous)
2004-02-22 07:52
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Sophomore year is not the most important. I promise. Junior year sucks a lot more, for me anyway. Last year I was the biggest slacker and took advanced classes and got all A's. This year I'm the same but it's just not working. It sucks. Being shallow about school and grades is lame! (Reply to this) (Thread) |
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