|Current mood:|| depressed|
i hate arguing with ben b/c when we do, i start getting paranoid about the relationship. i start to wonder stupid things and worry about stupid things - things i know i shouldn't, but i do anyway. he was engaged before - and i know he was in love with her. and i know he says hes in love with me. yet, i wonder sometimes - can you compare the love you feel for two different people?
i think back to my past relationships. i know now that i was never in love with charlie. and i was never in love with nic - even though we were engaged at one point. i know that becuase of "boy". i know how i felt about him, and i know that was really the first time i was ever in love with anyone - truely, deeply and fully in love with someone. everything else i thought i felt for anyone else was something trival - infatuation be it, whatever you want to call it.
so i wonder now, he was in love with jen, he wanted to marry jen. does he still think about her? is he still in love with her? how do i compare to her?
and i know that's completely stupid and childish to worry about, yet i do. it's not a fair question, and i would never ask him- one, b/c it's not a fair question and two, i really don't think id get an honest answer anyway.
sometimes i worry that he's a rusher - he rushes into relationships - i think he's still searching for what his parents have. and he's willing to rush into marriage in the hopes to find what his parents have. and i wonder if im just his latest expedition.
i don't feel secure right now. and i know im not over the whole erasing numbers from his phone, b/c i brought it up last night - i did the typical girl thing and threw something we argued about before back at him. of course i can say that i was only explaining an answer to one of his questions - he asked me if i trusted him and the answer is no. he broke that trust - albeit, i understand why he erased her phone calls, but i still don't know who he was calling and why he felt the need to erase those phone calls as well.
i hate feeling this evil monester of jealosy. and i wonder if i'll ever be able to feel completely secure in a relationship. i know i was secure with ben before the phone calls issue. it all comes back to self esteem. i don't think im worthy to be loved - so i assume he's going to leave me and i look for signs when there really aren't any. i try to find them. and i realize that about me, and im trying to correct them, but i can't.
mel talks about loving growing older. we had a really long conversation about it yesterday - self realization and self analysis. problem is, what happens when most of the things you realize about yourself, you dont like?
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hope things are going better... you're journal has been depressing as of late... troubling. =( |
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things are better boy - thanks for checking on me - although im curious as to your love life, you never give me any details! plus - UPDATE YOUR BLURTY!!! i have no one to blurty stalk anymore|
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