|Current mood:|| blah|
|Current music:||LYCIA - Broken Days|
Death Loves the Angels.
Last night didn’t really go as planned. It was better than I expected, but also worse than I wanted it to be. I drank WAY too much. I lost track of myself and mixed a lot of drinks that shouldn’t have been mixed. The worst part of the night was when these two guys showed up that hate drugs and alcohol and the whole night they kept ripping on everyone and constantly making smart-ass jokes. It really irritated me, humiliated me and discomfited me. I really shouldn’t have been, I’m not an addict and it was a party. I just wanted to have a little fun, even if it was vaguely over my morals. What I couldn’t understand was why would these guys come if they knew what was going to be there was something they didn’t want to involve themselves with, and furthermore, why did they settle once they realized what we were doing? I guess some people just find it irresistible to believe their company is important.
At one point in the night I went so numb that I couldn’t move. I heard people calling my name but I was so mislaid in my thoughts that I wasn’t responsive. I felt like I was retiring into my soul and all my thoughts were ephemeral memories of my life. A profound sadness came over me so unfathomable that I began to weep. I started to panic and I could feel my heart racing. I could hear people talking about me and laughing and I never felt so shamed. My boyfriend was standing in front of me and trying to comfort me. Several times he called my name and asked me to go upstairs but I was so lost in my past reflections that I didn’t quite comprehend what he was asking. Finally I calmed down enough to have my boyfriend lead me upstairs into the bedroom. He held me, whispered secret words of comfort and reassured me. He was very kind and I realize that I know without a doubt that he cares about me passionately and with understanding. I vomited several times and gradually started feeling an improvement. My boyfriend found a ride home for us, but I had to let the person who drove us home barrow "Clean, Shaven" I'll probably never see that movie again *Sulks*. I nearly passed out the second my head was on my pillow. I woke up around eight o’clock and my head felt thick and feverish, I tried to fall back asleep by I felt the room was spiraling. Finally I vomited again and fell asleep and didn’t wake until two in the afternoon.
It was a horrific night, but I feel like I’ve exposed something indefinite to myself and I discovered a kindness in my boyfriend that I simply did not discern.
Well, tomorrow is my boyfriend’s friend’s twenty-first birthday; I’ll probably be doing this all over again, hah! I think I’ll stay way from the booze this time and just eat a few hamburgers . . .well maybe one beer will be alright.
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