Vanity
Sometimes I just want to sell myself like sex. What I mean is.. slut myself out, metaphorically. I look at girls' pictures, their artistic (or not) portrayals of their bodies, and I think, why can't I do that? I guess the first reason is a boyfriend, but even though I'm one of the biggest self-proclaimed narcissists that I know, I've considered myself too "virtuous" to display my flesh.
When someone eludes to my physical beauty it strikes me as odd these days, because I've come to know myself solely as an intellectual, spiritual being. Someone who is powered by ambition and motivation. Someone who finds her best qualities to be her wisdom, intellect, and kindness. When I was sixteen, my best qualities were my eyes, boobs, and butt. I've come a long way from that perspective. Perhaps too far; I cannot look in the mirror and see beauty any longer unless it is masked with mascara and eye shadow, lip gloss and hair gunk.
I am constantly battling between this world and the unseen. Wanting to be completely immersed in the spiritual completeness, yet undeniably chained to the desires of this world. I want things- not to a point of extreme greed, but I would like to travel, I like to buy clothes now and then; I love hot showers and a cozy bed. Magazines, candy, TLC, the bookstore, YouTube... I am bound.
I went through a period of what I would like to call neutrality. I never wore make-up, my hair was constantly tied back in a bun, I wore ugly or boring clothing. It seems as though I only try to be attractive when I'm actively seeking a mate. Now that I have one, I feel uglier than ever. Does that even make sense? I know my body is in pique condition; I do yoga frequently, I eat relatively healthy, and I can see the difference. What I am referring to here, is my facial beauty, the overall look. And although, I still consider myself in a partial stage of neutrality, I have been trying lately. Is there something wrong with wanting to be beautiful? Outwardly?
I will always gravitate toward the side of intellectualism rather than beauty, but aestheticism is different than vanity, and I find the world aesthetic in so many respects. My two mantras are: Life is Beautiful and Love Always. Love and beauty and intellect and wisdom can piece together uniformly somehow, I believe. And if not, well then, I may just have to put myself out there for ego's sake once in a while...
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