| Current mood: |  lazy |
Trying
You know how people use the expression, "trying to wrap their minds around something"? -- like a concept or thought that is just a little too difficult to understand? I think that is where our problem lies... in trying to wrap. The universe and all that it includes is way too much for our little brains to wrap. I think the answer is that we must conform. Surrender. Exist. Letting the answers flow in.
I have always taken pride in being an intellectual. In analyzing. In thinking about things and coming to conclusions. I've been reading one of Jesse's books, "Be Here Now", which was written in the 60's I think by Ram Dass, and it is about yoga, drugs, meditation, and the way.
I had about a 1000 thoughts that made sense to me while reading this book, and then realized, that although I analyzed something in a philosophical manner until it made more sense, I was so far away from the truth, because I won't just STOP and listen. I don't know how to shut off my brain.
I've also always taken pride in being able to understand "big picture" concepts. I've never been one for details-- but I can see the way in which everything in the universe is tied. I can understand it and explain it. My boyfriend seems to think that I am "smart", as in academically smart. I've never really thought I excelled in this form.. I guess you could call my intelligence more like wisdom.
But even in my sagaciousness-- I am so far away. I am sitting here typing my thoughts into words, because I don't know any other way-- when I need to sit back and release my brain from its body.
I think the reason why people are so out of tune with one another is because our own minds are racing at a million thoughts per second. If we were all open vessels, we would sense each other's energies and emotional states. I do this, naturally, due to my empathic nature, but imagine if I ceased to have an ego all together? What I would learn about others? I'm almost always only thinking about myself. And even when I'm not-- I'm thinking about others from "Amanda's perspective"-- from her ego. From her identity. It's inherently selfish and focused.
Perhaps this is something to work on.
I've also been wondering why I've been feeling depressed lately. Is it the smoking of things? Is it my job? Is it the price of gas? Is it unresolved issues? Is it the lack of intimacy? It is probably all these things and more... My boyfriend feels the same way. I am empathetic to him whether I want to be or not (trust me, I don't want to be all the time). I think that I am soaking in his energy when we are together, living here, in this space. I'm not sure what to do about it, or if there is anything to do about it.
Can one change the energy in the room? Can one combat negative energy and replace it with positive energy even if it is fabricated?
These things I know not. But perhaps, I shall work on them. We'll see.
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