Manda (vanillarose8) wrote, @ 2007-05-29 08:28:00

whirlwind weekend
Emotional like crazy. Yes. That's me. That's my boyfriend. Apparently this is my life.

My parents have been gone since last Wednesday, and it was been the most wonderful week at home. I have been getting a lot of time to myself to spend outside in the sun, bike riding, reading, cleaning, whatever. It has been nice. Jesse came and stayed with me a few nights, and my guy friends came over once. I went bowling with Todd, Jay, and Jill as well. It was lovely. BUT--

There's been some emotional charge in the air. Jesse has been very unhappy lately. Not with me-- he has chemical imbalances. Literally. So, he gets unhappy for no reason at all, or perhaps just the product of his genetics and the terrible circumstances of his youth and teen years. This unhappiness however rubs off directly onto me. Everything he feels, I feel. It makes me wonder whether or not we will work, or SHOULD put ourselves through pain to work.

On Saturday I went to go see Jesse. We had a lovely day-- took a long nap, snuggled, watched a movie... Sunday, I went to my mom's to help her, we watched another movie, hung out with his brother... and then Monday we were going to go to the beach, but the weather report misguided us. We did not go because we were told it was going to rain, but it was, of course, a beautiful, warm sunny day. Grrr. I was emotional, because I was bored and wanted to do SOMETHING. He wanted to sit all day. Literally. We went to Coventry Lake-- where I sat in the water and tried to enjoy it, but couldnt.

Essentially, it got to the point where I was ready to leave and go home out of boredom, but decided to stay. We had a long conversation in the car which resulted in me crying a lot, because I thought we were going to break up, but then we decided not to. We both love the crap out of each other SO fiercely. We never want to leave the other-- sometimes we just wonder if it's always the right thing to stay together. But-- after our discrepancy, he held me close, apologized for making me cry, and held my hand. We sat on the back porch with his mom and talked-- he took me through the beginning of what he wants to do with me everyday: a really extreme work-out regimen. I did about 8 minutes of it yesterday and I am sore today. This is supposed to be an 1.5 hr. workout. Then he taught me the bone structure of the face and showed me how to draw the face (I can draw, but not like he can). It ended up being a good night afterall.

I love him so much I dont think I could ever leave him. This may result in me not being happy sometimes. But I always realize that I would much rather be with him than not. He is so loving and caring. Affectionate. He is these things. No one has ever loved me like he has.

I always think-- him and I get frustrated with one another because I am social and he is not (This is our major problem, and basically the only real one). I like to do things that are fun, he does not. Because of this, we both sometimes think it may be better if we weren't together. But-- I always think... all of this reality we know is a complete construct.. something made up and extremely fragile. It could change in a split second. Natural disaster, disease, accidents, war, etc... could be anything but our lives could be changed significantly or swept from under us at any moment.. and this is the only reality I really trust and believe in, honestly. It's not positive and optimistic, BUT-- this is why love comes first and foremost in my life. He makes me feel so full of love and life sometimes. And when I love him it is not like anything I can explain. It is this unworldly thing. A true binding of souls. When I think about it-- I need him more than I need anything else in this life, including an apartment, a job, or a marriage. Love is what it is all about in the end. It is all we will ever have.

This is why I cannot and will not leave when I love him so deeply. At the end of the day, it is all about love. And that is a positive thing that keeps me going. It keeps us from fighting, and it keeps things real.