feeling like a bad word.
How am I supposed to have a good day when he says things like that? Gets mad at me the second we say goodbye and then rushes to his car. He calls to apologize and ends it with a sarcastic, "But hey, you do whatever you want. You know?" Which basically negates the whole apology. He does this, he.
I'm going to take care of the girls-- we're going to go swimming in an in-ground pool with a diving board. Hey, we might even eat popsicles or icecream, because I am an awesome babysitter. And I also like popsicles and swimming.. so hey. It's gonna be a good, hot day. Right?
I've had basically two whole days to myself... to do whatever. I went for a bike ride for the first time, in literally, years, yesterday. It was great. My ass hurts-- has two bruises from the seat. But it was great. I've been compiling all my college notebooks into one binder-- so if I want to refer back to my notes for something, it's easily accessible. I've been relaxing and reading. And I've also been somewhat bored of all of it. Now that I have a day where I HAVE TO WORK, I don't want to. I want to sit here and be pissy. And go for a bike ride. And sleep some more. It's funny... it's always like that. Always. Greener grass syndrome.
We almost broke up like 5 times in the last two days... but we would never actually break up with each other. That's the problem. Nothing in me REALLY wants to, but every part of me is screaming to at the same time. If that makes sense. I genuinely love and want to BE with the boy. I am just starting to wonder WHY. It makes me mad that I refused to let it end two weeks in, when he messed up. Or every month after that when we fought about the thing that really upsets him... my social life and the lack of his. I think about how great it would be if I had a boyfriend who liked to socialize with my friends and go out for beers once in awhile.. basically like Adam or Gus would.. how I miss that. Now, I feel penalized for being me.. Im not appreciated.. I am often made to feel bad.. I am torn between friends and him.. But I love him. Besides, there is no more Adam, no more Gus. Adam decided he didn't want to be with me, and I guess I can understand why now. He was there, I was here, he REALLY needed to do his school/career stuff and I was getting in the way. I get it. Priorities right? And Gus, well Gus just decided to rob a store and go to jail. So. Didn't even have a SAY in that matter. Not that I did in the other one either.
Jesse thinks the reason why I picked him is because I settled because Adam dumped me and Gus went to jail. That's not true at all, however. I thought it was fate, destiny, my life story finally making sense... He came back to me and fell in love and oh, how I love him fiercely. Just.. is it worth it? I want an apartment (call me selfish); I want to see friends sometimes (call me selfish); I want to get married and make babies.. beautiful ones (call me selfish). These are the things I aspire to do. I want to get engaged (call me selfish). But lord knows, that if he cant even get it together enough to save some money for an apartment that he promised me months ago.. well crap! I dont know. I may be 35 with 3 kids already before he proposes..
Im pointing out all his flaws of course. Because I am really bothered and torn and tortured right now. He's quite lovely sometimes. In ways no one understands. I mean I DO love him, there's a reason for that. Of course, I loved him 7 years ago when I lay in his bed in my underwear after coming off of E while he was "doing things", stopped, and decided it was over. I cried a single tear, sniffled, and lay there awake all night... while he slept peacefully. I loved him all that time. Everytime he has hurt me, I've loved him.
(Post a new comment)
 | air jordan shoes
 branddaze
2009-08-07 11:32
(link) | |
China Wholesale : Wholesale Shoes ,Wholesale T-Shirts from China, dropship wholesale T-Shirts, wholesale T-Shirts cheapest! China Wholesale Clothing , Wholesale Ugg Boots China , Wholesale Prada shoes, Discount Gucci shoes, All Brands Polo Shirts On Sale, Lacoste Shirts , Puma shoes Wholesale, D&G shoes ,China Wholesale replica Prada Shoes, Buy wholesale Prada Sneakers From China ,Authentic Jordan Shoes,Authentic Nike Shoes , We Offers Wholesale Handbags,Replica Handbag,Replica Coach Handbag,Chanel Handbag,Fake Gucci Handbags and Chanel Handbag Wholesale.Christian audigier wholesale,Wholesale louis vuitton handbags ,Authentic Shoes - Wholesale Clothing, Apparel, Accessories, Jeans, Air Jordans, Nike Dunks, Nike SB .lacoste Shirts For Sale,lacoste Shirts Online ,Lacoste Polo Shirts For sale .Ed hardy china wholesale ,Cheap Jordans Shoes wholesale juicy couture bags,Replica Gucci Shoes, - Nike Sneakers (Cheap, Fast, Free Shipping) miu miu wholesale,Swimwear For Men ,China Wholesale Market, Buy Wholesale Products from China Wholesalers.china wholesale manufacturers,Polo shirts, Polo shirt, wholesale t shirts Ugg Boots On sale ,china wholesale handbags,NFL Jerseys (Reply to this) (Thread) |
(Post a new comment)
|
