| Current mood: |  okay |
Dear My first everything,
We met in 7th grade but it wasnt actually until 8th grade we were what you'd call "offical". You were the biggest jerk, who made fun of everyone. I was the girl that never said anything bad about anyone. We broke up 2 weeks later, but I still liked you.
High School came around. I made captain for cheer, you were playing football. We went back out. You kissed me... and it was my first real kiss. I was so happy, I could fly. Until you cheated on me with one of my friends. You quit football, you started hanging out with Seniors and partying, but I still liked you... so when you came back to me... I was their with open arms. Rumors flooded the school about you having sex with Jennifer, but you promised it wasnt true. I believed you... so there we went. You held my hand at the golf course as everyone walked infront of us. You took me on a trial to watch the stars, just the two of us. You danced with me that night and you whispered "I love you." It was the first time in my life that I felt the same way.
10th grade came around. We were perfect, or so I thought until you started to get into drugs. I'll never forget the time I walked into Jake's bedroom to find you in the corner smashing pills. It completely broke my heart to see you like that. I ran home... crying. You ran after me saying it wasnt for you... little did I know after you went back to his house it was their waiting for you to sniff.
Halloween night that year, you promised you werent talking to this skimpy little girl from the town 30 minutes away from us. Then she called you.. more than once. I cried that night too and we broke up. I promised this time it was over... as you finding yourself in her arms. As Christmas came around I was crying myself to sleep almost every night with the hurtful things you would put on her myspace page or on your away messages. School was hard for me, I couldnt be around you.. but no one knew it. I learned to fake. I learned to show no emotion.
New years... you told her you loved her. She flaunted it to the world to see.. I dont know how I ever got over that.
You once again found your way back to me.. and with numerous of fights and arguments, you fought for us to be back together.. that she was just to make me jealous. How could I have been so stupid to take you back then? When I look back now, this should have been our end, but it wasnt... not even close. The rumors again with you sleeping with this girl, not to mention the 3 others. You swore up and down that these girls were just saying that so we wouldnt be together. You told me to believe in us, and that no one in the world matter but us. I believed you.
Junior year was just as bad. Your drug problem just worsened, but you told me pretty white lies, that sounded so sweet that I couldnt just walk away. So rather than admit you had a problem, I ignored it. My parents hated you, my friends hated you, and even though i was madly in love with you, a piece of me has always hated you since the moment you told someone else you loved them.
That summer, I gave you the biggest thing I could ever give someone. My virginity. I made you wait for all those years, and although I dont regret it.... I do wish that I would've seen the signs that our relationship just isnt meant to be. So I couldve given it to someone that actually cared for me.
Senior year was suppose to be the best. No one would've known it was the hardest year of my life. Winning homecoming queen should've been my biggest moment, but you ruined it. The whole time I was worried about where you were.... little did I know you were getting high. You werent there for me and you didnt even make me feel special. It was a sad moment rather than a happy one.
I finally told you enough was enough after that. That if you continued to do drugs, you couldnt have me anymore and I dont think you believed me. Who would though? How many times did I say that in the past, but continued to be your girlfriend. But I left that night.... and I found someone else. He was amazing. He put me first. Something I wasnt use to. He was a gentleman, he was a basketball star, and he called everytime he said he would. Months had passed, and I was happy, but I did miss you. You walked into my life again.... and you said you had been staying sober to win me back. I wish I didnt trust you... because if i didnt i'd probably still have that guy in my life. someone who deserves me.
Prom came... and again. You ruined it for me. You were late, you didnt even try to look good, and you did Herione in the bathroom stall at dinner. You were a mess. The dance sucked.. because you didnt want to dance. We left early and instead of going out with everyone... we had the biggset fight ever. I confronted you about drugs, and well you know the rest. You passed out after your high, and I went home crying... at 5 in the morning.
I think you get the point of where I'm going. Were both 21 now... and I understand that this letter doesnt have any of our good times in it and alot of our bad times are left out as well. These are the moments that I think about when I think of you. I did everything for you. I put my life on hold, I tried to get you sober, I paid for things when you were behind on bills, I bought you expensive presents because I didnt want to disappoint you, I was even there for you when you got out of jail.
I thought this year was going to be different for us you know... You have finally been a year sober. Every single moment we've shared in the past, you were high on drugs. And its really hurtful to me. Its just I saw something in you back then.. I use to tell myself just wait until he's better, then we'll be better and we'll get married and be high school sweethearts, but now I realize how wrong I am for doing that, because the moment you got sober... I still wasnt your first priority. You see, you always do that to me. I can never be your first. No matter what it is... and I should've let go a long time ago. The things you have done are just not okay and although your a better person as a whole now... you still treat me like shit after all those years I stood by you.
I dont know where this letter is going. I just needed to get it off my chest since we havent talked since New Years. I want you to know that I dont regret us, but I am no longer in love with you. I can finally say that without lying. My heart has finally said enough is enough. I love you for being my first everything, but please dont come around anymore. I'm not coming back this time. No matter what you say, or do... my heart just isnt attracted to you any longer.... and I feel bad for you, because Im a great catch.
Take Care,
Forever no longer yours..
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