Un4givenOne (un4givenone) wrote, @ 2009-09-01 23:26:00

sick and tired...
I haven't been on here lately to write. (Ive popped in to read my friends post once or twice but haven't had the gumption required to type about my own thoughts.) I'm sure much of it has to do with this funk Im still trying to shake. It's easier to sit here in my own little world and not acknowledge it at times. I have been coming to the realization that it probably is past time to try and find a real therapist I might be able to express my thoughts to. (I still wish there was a magic pill, or potion to make it all go away! Being me, I also want instant gratification, I know this isn't realistic....but I WANT IT!)

Things are pretty much the same in my household. I have had no energy, my body hurts and half the time I want to just give up on everything! Im sick and tired of being sick and tired!

Last few days have been sort of emotional for me, when I tell you why.. you will probably think I am a silly assed twit! Friday I took two of my older kittens to one of K's patients. When I got home I went to make a cup of coffee and looked down at the "kitten box" (Big plastic tote where I put the Mom cat and her 4 little ones.) They were about 3-4 weeks old beautiful kitties. Anyways I thought one looked "funny" the way it was laying...I poked at it and it was cold!! It had died, which really upset me. I tried to remove it from the box with the others as quickly as I could hoping the girls wouldn't see me do it. I placed it in some plactic bags and put it in the back of my truck until K got home to bury the little one. I then noticed as I was cleaning out the bedding the other little grey one was acting sick too. It wouldnt nurse and acted very lethargic. It died the next morning later as I slept. Broke my heart!! I had stayed up with it trying to get milk in it and willing the little guy to live to no avail!

I cried like a baby! As I held the mommy cat I cried for her, wondering if they morned the loss of their young as humans do? I cried for me, thinking about how badly it sucked to find someone or some animal dead without warning.... I cried because sometimes life is just fucking unfair!

Last night the only other female cat I have came to me crying with a kitten sticking half way out of her body! OH boy.... She went to the couch laid on my comforter, with me beside her she delivered 8 kittens! Holy SHIT! The 3rd one from her was still in its sac, she worked on it for a while... but I think she didn't get the sac off soon enough, it was lifeless. I took the tiny baby kitten and used a towel to try and stimulate it, cleaned its nose and mouth quickly and pressed on its tiny chest with my fingertip to simulate cpr. Yes I am a NUT! K also took it and blew breaths in its face as he pressed on its tiny chest. It was dead. Again I was disturbed!

Later as he and I were talking about the kitten he said why did we do that we already have more cats then either of us wants? My only answer, I can't stand to see anything dead or dying I feel the need to try and help. Be it human or animal.... eventually all these kittens will have new homes. But they deserve the right to life!! He agreed that was the reason he had also attempted to help.

I have my head shrinker appointment coming up on thursday. I am half tempted to skip it and give a lame excuse, and reschedule. I just don't know if I am up to driving the two hours. My very first panic attack happened in my car, and driving is one of my triggers. I just don't know ...

School has started, well it did last week. So that has been good for Jenna. I hate getting up at 6:30 since most nights I can't even fall asleep till 3 or later. God Im getting old!! I hate it! Jenna made the comment the other day that my older kids were lucky I had them when I was still young... lol GEE THANKS KID!

Gonna try to get some rest hopefully I will return to write about more meaningful things tomorrow.

Hugs to all..
me

I can identify ... walter_mitty 2009-09-02 00:45 (link)

Well, if you're a "silly assed twit" then you're in good company -- Lord, I have been through much the same as you have with cats and kittens! I got misty reading your entry, because I feel the same way when it comes to kittens ... in fact, that's why earlier this spring we rescued 4 3-week old kittens after their Mama cat was hit and killed on the highway. We bottled fed them, cleaned them, did everything we could to mother them the best we could. We were lucky this time as all four thrived ... we kept one and took the other 3 to the humane society. Its funny too, because we now have two cats in the house ... when I swore I would NEVER agree to have a single one in the house for years, lol! About 3 years ago, we had three kittens about the same age whose Mama wouldn't care for them. We took them in, but they were kinda sickly. My wife put them outside after they were weaned, and we were all very attached to them. A neighbor's dog killed one; the second was found dead at our back door by my daughter on her way out the door to school (not a good way to start the day), and my wife accidently backed over the third one. I was there next to her car when that happened, and I'll admit that I was overcome by emotion ... watching the life drain out of its body, I've never felt so helpless before in my life. No, you're not a twit ... or we're both twits, what the hell, I've been called a lot worse! I know you don't feel like going, but please don't skip your visit Thursday to your doc. He's exactly the person you might want to talk to about what's going on. My gut feeling is that talking to a therapist closer to home might be worth investigating. I'm preaching to the choir here, I know. If talking helps, you owe it to yourself to try it. And don't skip Thursday ... or I'll have to dig through the closet for my own pair of ass-kicking boots! ;-D (Reply to this) (Thread)