ubermoose (ubermoose) wrote, @ 2005-10-02 17:45:00

tomarrow's gonna suck
I'm putting in my two week notice. It one of those jobs that I'm constantly looking at the time, and I am relieved in a small way when my shift is exactly halfway over. I figure I can't wait to get home, but at least the first half was 'bearable enough.' That's probably about 20% of the reason I'm throwing in the proverbial towel. The other reason is that I'm sick as ever, so both the stress I face, the sleep I'm not getting, and the contagious stuff I catch from everybody is killing my immune system. I need to get my health up, and I can't manage that with this job. I suppose it's a good thing that I already told my boss I was going to probably resign. I can't say exactly why, but I now have a better idea, based on her reaction, that evrything is going to be okay. Okay-ish, anyway. Still, I hate stuffy encounters, where I'm the peon trying to comminicate to my superior in equisitely polite and professional sentences that I can't take it anymore, so I am quitting. I could save so much time and sleep if I just chose to go through life and just say exactly what I meant without any need for reasonable but non-alarming, PC, overly-conscientous ways to say everything. Like, if I could say, "Hey, I'm putting in my two-week notice today, so I suppose I need to fill out some paperwork," instead of the inevitable what-I-probably-will-say, "Um... I needed to talk to you... when might be a good time... remember when I told you last week that I was probably going to have to resign... well... it looks like I am.... getting really sick... oh yes, I love this job... but it's just not fair to the residents that I don't have all the energy I need to be the best worker I can be... again, I love this job, but I'm afraid I'm just going to have to resign." Screw it, I quit, why do I have to get all worked up about it?
I also have an appointment tomarrow, which means I get to tell my new doctor of all of my quirky symptoms and cross my fingers that he can help, preferably with the least intrusive methods humanly possible. I hate blood tests and piss tests especially, though funky machines that scan and beep a lot are pretty damn cool. More likely, though, I'll probably have the standard-issue phlebotomy or urinalysis, which bites.
And I'm scared of about any result or lack thereof. I mean, if they can't come up with anything, that implies it's all in my head, which mean it is and I'm a hypochondriac, or it means I have something, but they don't know what it is, so I just have to suffer more. But if they do come up with something, that means more treatments, more appointments, more blood tests, more pity, more fear of what things in my life I have to sacrifice, either now or in a few years.
I'm trying to think what limitations and adaptations I'd be willing to make. I mean, if whatever I have means strenuous, high-impact workouts are out, like running a lot, that would make no difference to me at all. I could care less. Even food restrictions or special diets wouldn't really matter, because I don't have that many taste buds anyway. Even eventually walking with assistance of sorts wouldn't bother me much. On the other end of the suck-o-meter, though, is not having the consistent energy reserves to hold down a job, which, as I've implied, is already a limitation. Not being as able to do things I have grown to love, like playing drums or doing funky yo-yo tricks, would also be among my more feared drawbacks. What I'm scared shitless about, though, is not being able to have kids, dying too young, or facing to many limitations that my life in no way resembles the dreams and goals I cling to. I'm not ready to face such a reality.

	linguafranca 2005-10-02 20:02 (link)
	I'm sorry the job thing isn't/didn't working/work out. I'll be praying for you and your health. You have such a vivacious spirit and it pains me to see that it is not able to be expressed wholly. Take care, girl. I love you. (Reply to this) (Thread)