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asaki yume mishi (tsugiri) wrote,
@ 2003-10-02 22:42:00
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    Current mood:sad
    Current music:Kyo - Je Cours

    surreal world
    I know no one is actually reading this for the simple reason that I haven't defined any friends on this site. ^^ That's actually what I wanted... I have a livejournal (username = sanada) as well, but I'm sick of the attention whoring and constant bitching of everyone on there. And the backstabbing. And the angst.

    Mainly I just want to write my true feelings about my girlfriend without hurting her. She really is kind and sweet, exactly the sort of person I would want for a girlfriend... if I wanted a girlfriend. I'm afraid I somehow got misguided... you see, we're roleplayers. We thought it would be fun to add some romance between our characters. At some point the lines between ourselves and who we play in chat rooms started to blur, and I started to think I was in love. It had never happened before, really - all of my dates were just guy friends who needed a last minute girl for a dance - so I thought it was really wonderful.

    I realised that I had just been silly and sleep-deprived when I had decided that I loved her about a month after we started going out. I guess my idea of dating is still just seeing a concert together or hanging out with friends. She was already picking the color of our bedroom for when we live together. My parents wern't really happy with the whole "bisexual" thing, but the true is that I'm probably asexual. I mean, the few times I've spent the night with this girl, even though she is attractive, I just can't get interested. Lucky I can fake it... I'm not really into guys either... the thought of sex with one makes me nauseous. I'm just trying to establish that this is my problem, not hers.

    It really is me... I'm just not a romantic. Cuddling does nothing for me. Nor do flowers, or love letters, or blushing. I don't want to get married and have kids. I don't want to be tied down... gods, I sound like a man. She's already choosing names for the kids. Really fucked up names, too... I'm still wondering how two chicks can have a baby. She clings to me. She wants me to make her blush. She wants to hear "I love you" a hundred times a day. She's not the girl I knew. The girl I knew was tough and took no shit, hated girliness and the southern way of life that she grew up in. Now she's becoming her mother, a limp dishrag of a woman. She can't even buy a box of hair dye anymore without moral support. I'm a cynic and an anti-romantic, so I know I'm somehow screwing things up.

    I would just break up and go back to being friends if not for one thing. She is constantly saying how much she loves me. Even more frightening, she means it from the bottom of her heart. I should feel wonderful... I feel uncomfortable because it's one-sided. I don't want her to get hurt... she truly loves me, and I'mI still can't stand being touched. I wish I was in love. I'm begining to wonder if I can... even now as I talk to her like I do every night, I'm wincing every time I write "I love you"... because it's what she wants to hear and I want her to be happy. I really do... it's love, but not what she needs.



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(Anonymous)
2004-05-01 14:43 (link)
I'm reading, I hope that's okay, if not just say so.
You have no idea how much that sounds like my life, really. I'm not just offering fake plastic sympathy, because I know EXACTLY, to the LETTER, what that's like. (And I would have thought the 'Je te vends mon ame' was a better song for it, personally.)
What happened to me was that I couldn't hide anymore what it was like when she wanted to touch me and I simpy couldn't feel what she was feeling. She began being kind and trying to understand, she insisted that it wasn't the most important thing between us, but once we closed off that area of the relationship, the rest started to disintegrate. Last week, she said she'd rather never see me again than only see me once a week, and even then know that I was just there for her benefit.
I hope your version turned out better than mine. I'd like to know.

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tsugiri
2004-05-01 19:27 (link)
^_^ It's okay to read, but I'm afraid I don't talk much... and "je te vends mon ame" is probably better, but my french is rusty anyway~

I really, really wish you the best of luck. Thankfully my problem resolved fairly simply... I aplogised for my many faults, emphasing how I valued her friendship and all that... and it all cooled off. I didn't mention that my original feelings were misguided, since it didn't seem wise to do to an emotional person. She just couldn't accept a relationship without the hugs and flowers, and that was really fine with me. We're still friends and she went back to her tomboy video gamer self, and I'm starting to wonder if it all wasn't an extended hallucination. @_@ I know what you mean, though, about not being able to understand the touching... people automatically assume that I have a fear of intimacy, or that my mother didn't hug me enough when I was a baby - but I really can't explain it. I just can't help but flinch when someone casually touches me, even by accident, and extended contact just makes me feel sick.

But I can see where our ex's are coming from too, in a way - some people really do need touch to feel safe and loved. The average person puts a lot of emotional importance on sex, too, which I don't understand. I suppose it's as much a psychological need for them as it is unbearable for us. But she shouldn't dump all that on you with something so cruel as "I'd rather never see you than only a little." The realtionship disintegrated mutally, and that's not something you can really assign blame to. Think of it as a natural progression. I really regret not totally ending things sooner, because it was a lot of stress that ultimately had no point.

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